how does this phrase sound?

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MissLucky
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Joined: Mon Sep 21, 2009 4:48 pm

how does this phrase sound?

Postby MissLucky » Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:23 am

in the conclusion of my personal statement I want to convey my desire to make a difference for individuals and communities - I say "my desire to uplift the lives of others" - does that sound cocky? something about it makes me stumble over it when reading my essay. thoughts on how to say it in another way? "my desire to protect/uphold the rights of others" maybe? that just sounds weak and also sort of cocky.

thanks!

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DocHawkeye
Posts: 640
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:22 am

Re: how does this phrase sound?

Postby DocHawkeye » Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:35 am

It seems to me that you've found a good phrase - one that comes naturally to you "to make a difference." Uplifting osunds like you're "above" the situation. I'd prefer a lawyer who was on the same level as I am. And one who wants to make a difference.

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2807
Posts: 579
Joined: Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:23 pm

Re: how does this phrase sound?

Postby 2807 » Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:38 am

It is hard to say without a little more context. As it stands, "cocky" is not the word I would use. Just that little phrase seems more "vapid" or "naive" or "simplistic" than cocky...

It may be fine given the flow and context of your PS... but standing alone, as you laid it in us, it is "cliche'."

"Uplift the lives of others" is so flat. Think about what you have said in your PS, examples you gave, motivation you found, etc... Maybe be more specific, with a reference to an earlier part of your PS, that conveys your closing message-- without the cliche'.

With context I could help you craft it better. I bet you can assert it, without saying it.




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