Rough draft, please help

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
GatorGirl89
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 1:37 pm

Rough draft, please help

Postby GatorGirl89 » Thu Oct 28, 2010 7:51 pm

I could really use some help with my personal statement. I am having a really hard time and it would be very helpful if someone could critique my draft so I would know where I stand.

Thank you in advance!

As a child, the highlight of my week was the chance to ride the forklift at the factory. I would often go to work with my father since my family could not afford a childcare program. His meager pay did not make up for the long hours spent toiling over rolls of fabric. I distinctly remember the stench of the sweat that would drip off the workers as they slaved away over steaming irons and other piping-hot machinery.
My father came to America from Cuba when he was 5 years old, knowing nothing but the awe-inspiring accounts of his parents. They told him to envision a place of equality, freedom, and civil liberties, and more toys than he would know what to do with. The reality he found was much different than expected. His parents found work in a sewing factory to sustain the family and he too eventually found himself with the same occupation. He realized that his status as a citizen gave him a chance not afforded to many of his coworkers. He took a night class to obtain his real estate license and his career quickly blossomed.
As our standard of living rose along with my father’s paychecks, I began to recognize the struggle that his former coworkers were facing. I became inspired to do something to help people who were working hard to help themselves. I heard a newscast about farm-worker slavery rings in my area. I was outraged that these people were being treated so poorly purely because they couldn’t get the documentation necessary to allow them to get other jobs. I volunteered for the Coalition of Immokalee Workers by helping to raise awareness for the plight of migrant farm-workers in my community. After weeks of passing out flyers warning local supermarkets about the injustices being perpetrated by the local agricultural industry, I could not help thinking about my father and how the only reason local farm-workers would never get the same opportunities was due to their status as illegal immigrants.
I had known for a long time that I wanted a career in which I could help people, particularly the immigrant workers with which I related. This goal was my direction but as a freshman in college, I did not know what career path would help me to achieve it. I began to volunteer at a local soup kitchen but I realized that I wanted to do something that wouldn’t just help these people in the short-term, but something that would help them to make a better life for themselves.
I pursued an internship at the State Attorney’s Office because I was familiar with the legal complications that can arise for illegal immigrants. During my internship, I saw many immigrants come through the system because they had been caught driving without a license. The difference between them and the other people brought in for this crime was they had never had their driver’s license revoked, they couldn’t get a license since they did not have the necessary paperwork, and for some this repeated offense would end with a jail sentence and possibly deportation. I was astonished that something as simple as a driving without a license could lead to a family being broken up by deportation. This demonstrated the effect of citizenship on illegal immigrants’ lives and cemented my interest in law.
Throughout my life I have witnessed many immigrants who were not able to achieve the same success as my father. Some found their way to some level of security, but most would be stuck in a difficult struggle to survive in country in which they hold no rights. I saw the effect of my father citizenship on his ability to change his life and I made the decision to pursue a career in law so that I can help these people to overcome the disadvantages they are being faced with. I believe the education I would attain at _____ Law School would provide me with an excellent foundation to act as an advocate for illegal immigrants and all people living or working under unfair conditions.

dabbadon8
Posts: 767
Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 2:17 am

Re: Rough draft, please help

Postby dabbadon8 » Thu Oct 28, 2010 11:42 pm

Riding the forklift at the sewing factory was the highlight of my week as a child. My family could not afford a childcare program so I spent many days next to my father as he toiled over rolls of fabric. I distinctly remember the stench of the sweat that would drip off the workers as they slaved away over steaming irons and other piping-hot machinery.
When my father came to America from Cuba when he was 5 years old, his parents told him to envision a place of equality, freedom, and civil liberties, and more toys than he would know what to do with. The reality he found was much different than expected. His parents found employment in a sewing factory and as a young adult he worked along side them. Unlike his parents, he realized that his status as a citizen gave him a chance not afforded to many of his coworkers. He enrolled in night classes in order to obtain his real estate license and his career quickly blossomed.
As our standard of living rose along with my father’s paychecks, I began to recognize the struggle that his former coworkers were facing. I became inspired to do something to help people who were working hard to help themselves. After hearing a newscast about farm-worker slavery rings in my area, I became outraged that people were being treated so poorly because they did not have the documentation necessary to allow them to obtain legitimate employment. I volunteered for the Coalition of Immokalee Workers by helping to raise awareness for the plight of migrant farm-workers in my community. After weeks of passing out flyers warning local supermarkets about the injustices being perpetrated by the local agricultural industry, I could not help thinking about the injustices that can be perpetrated when illegal immigrants do not have someone to advocate on their behalf.
As a freshman in college, I knew that I wanted a career in which I could help the immigrant workers with which I related, though I was unsure of what career path would allow me to do so. In my search for a career path, I pursued an internship at the State Attorney’s Office because I was familiar with the legal complications that can arise for illegal immigrants in the justice system. During my internship I saw many immigrants charged with driving without a license. The difference between them and others charged this crime was they had never had their driver’s license revoked. They couldn’t get a license since they did not have the necessary paperwork. Some repeat offenders would be punished with a jail sentence and possibly deportation. I was astonished that something as simple as driving without a license could lead to a family being broken up by deportation. Witnessing the disadvantages illegal immigrants faced in the justice system cemented law as the career in which I could provide the representation that I believe illegal immigrants deserve.
Throughout my life I have witnessed many immigrants who were not able to achieve the same success as my father. Some found their way to some level of security, but most would be stuck in a difficult struggle to survive in country in which they hold no rights. I saw the effect of my father citizenship on his ability to change his life and I made the decision to pursue a career in law so that I can represent those who have not obtained their citizenship. I believe the education I would attain at _____ Law School would provide me with an excellent foundation to act as an advocate for illegal immigrants and all people living or working under unfair conditions.




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