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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Jen Loblaw
Posts: 83
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 10:45 pm

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Postby Jen Loblaw » Thu Oct 28, 2010 5:33 pm

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Last edited by Jen Loblaw on Thu Dec 09, 2010 2:19 pm, edited 6 times in total.

Jen Loblaw
Posts: 83
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 10:45 pm

Re: Thoughtssssssss?

Postby Jen Loblaw » Thu Oct 28, 2010 8:23 pm

bump please!

Jen Loblaw
Posts: 83
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 10:45 pm

Re: "Traitors go to law school" Please Critique my PS!

Postby Jen Loblaw » Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:08 pm

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hulahoop
Posts: 127
Joined: Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:29 pm

Re: "Traitors go to law school" Please Critique my PS!

Postby hulahoop » Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:19 pm

I dont mind the idea of opening with the quote, but I would try to maybe condense it a bit so the part about law school is the main focus (maybe take out the word concentration). I see where you are trying to go, but I think you get kind of bogged down in the middle. Shorten the parts about being bored/having no passion for engineering, focus instead on the positive aspects of discovering your passion for law school. I am not sure how much the second to last paragraph adds, it is very technical and I believe that use of space could be better spent talking about what you plan to do in the future. Mention the project and then expand on how it inspired you. It just seems that you talk a lot about engineering stuff you have done when you could be gearing it more towards the patent law that you will do in the future.

Just an opinion, hope it helps. If you could take a look at mine ("honest opinions plz" thread) I would really appreciate it!

Jen Loblaw
Posts: 83
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 10:45 pm

Re: "Traitors go to law school" Please Critique my PS!

Postby Jen Loblaw » Fri Oct 29, 2010 3:12 pm

I liked your ideas and tried to make some of those changes. I would really like to add a story somewhere that shows me as more than just good at academics. What do you think?

sophielia
Posts: 11
Joined: Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:56 pm

Re: "Traitors go to law school" Please Critique my PS!

Postby sophielia » Sat Oct 30, 2010 4:05 pm

Your second paragraph portrays you in a largely negative way. We see that you don't have a strong direction, that you lacked enthusiasm, etc. Shorten all of this. You want to stress that yeah you had some rough times but you've moved on and become a better person for it.

I think it would be great if you could expand on some of the leadership tasks in your fourth paragraph.

For the fifth paragraph, I would spend less time talking about your views on math as a language. If you're going to claim that law works the same way as math then you have to back that up. Try to get specific about how math has prepared for law school.

I hope that helps.

Jen Loblaw
Posts: 83
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 10:45 pm

Re: "Traitors go to law school" Please Critique my PS!

Postby Jen Loblaw » Mon Nov 01, 2010 3:45 pm

New draft above. Please help me out!

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ShuckingNotJiving
Posts: 266
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Re: "Traitors go to law school" Please Critique my PS!

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Mon Nov 01, 2010 5:51 pm

delete the paragraph where you, painstakingly, explain to the reader what Math is. most likely, the reader knows and your explanation doesn't add anything. you use pretty language, and one might be inclined to wax some type of insight from it, but really it's a bit vacuous.

what i'm getting from the first sentence is that your initial aversion to law was wholly based on one rather vague sentence. that is unconvincing and incites a yawn. traitors do a lot of things that are much more captivating.

the third paragraph on is good.

my overall suggestion:: delete the first and second paragraph. think of another way to introduce this essay. then repost.

but then i think if you're a math major then maybe writing isn't one of your strong suits. and maybe it doesn't have to be. in that case, the essay could work.

Jen Loblaw
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Re: "Traitors go to law school" Please Critique my PS!

Postby Jen Loblaw » Mon Nov 01, 2010 6:09 pm

ha wow ouch, but thanks for the response. i guess my purpose in the math paragraph was to show what i'm passionate about, but it comes across more as a condescending explanation of math?

but then i think if you're a math major then maybe writing isn't one of your strong suits. and maybe it doesn't have to be. in that case, the essay could work.


do you think the whole essay indicates poor writing skills or just the first two paragraphs? because i've actually been kind of proud of my writing skills, but i guess that was in more of a technical setting...

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Deuce
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Re: "Traitors go to law school" Please Critique my PS!

Postby Deuce » Mon Nov 01, 2010 6:13 pm

I saw you opened with a quote, chuckled a little, and stopped reading. Sorry if you think that's rough, but imagine an adcomm that reads hundreds of these things, many of which will open with a quote. Sure, it may be some profound quote to you, but for them it's just another cheap way of starting a PS.

new2game09
Posts: 9
Joined: Sun Apr 26, 2009 8:43 pm

Re: "Traitors go to law school" Please Critique my PS!

Postby new2game09 » Mon Nov 01, 2010 6:16 pm

Jen Loblaw wrote:ha wow ouch, but thanks for the response. i guess my purpose in the math paragraph was to show what i'm passionate about, but it comes across more as a condescending explanation of math?

but then i think if you're a math major then maybe writing isn't one of your strong suits. and maybe it doesn't have to be. in that case, the essay could work.


do you think the whole essay indicates poor writing skills or just the first two paragraphs? because i've actually been kind of proud of my writing skills, but i guess that was in more of a technical setting...


You're not a bad writer. I would say you're about average for the general population. But for people who are about to enter law school, you might be a bit on the low end. But I'm sure you will get much better after your first year legal writing class.

Jen Loblaw
Posts: 83
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 10:45 pm

Re: "Traitors go to law school" Please Critique my PS!

Postby Jen Loblaw » Mon Nov 01, 2010 6:18 pm

I saw you opened with a quote

sigh, yes that was part of my question. i know it's basically taboo on this site, but i thought it caught reader interest.

Jen Loblaw
Posts: 83
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 10:45 pm

Re: "Traitors go to law school" Please Critique my PS!

Postby Jen Loblaw » Mon Nov 01, 2010 6:22 pm

new2game09 wrote:you might be a bit on the low end


blow to my ego day ha

Jen Loblaw
Posts: 83
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 10:45 pm

Re: "Traitors go to law school" Please Critique my PS!

Postby Jen Loblaw » Mon Nov 01, 2010 7:14 pm

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sarahh
Posts: 610
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Re: "Traitors go to law school" Please Critique my PS!

Postby sarahh » Mon Nov 01, 2010 8:07 pm

Jen Loblaw wrote:
I saw you opened with a quote

sigh, yes that was part of my question. i know it's basically taboo on this site, but i thought it caught reader interest.


The "Traitors go to law school" in the title caught my eye. A Quote from a well-known author or philosopher can be cliche, but I think it is fine in this case - although I would shorten it to just "Traitors go to law school".

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ShuckingNotJiving
Posts: 266
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Re: "Traitors go to law school" Please Critique my PS!

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Mon Nov 01, 2010 10:51 pm

Jen Loblaw wrote:ha wow ouch, but thanks for the response. i guess my purpose in the math paragraph was to show what i'm passionate about, but it comes across more as a condescending explanation of math?

but then i think if you're a math major then maybe writing isn't one of your strong suits. and maybe it doesn't have to be. in that case, the essay could work.


do you think the whole essay indicates poor writing skills or just the first two paragraphs? because i've actually been kind of proud of my writing skills, but i guess that was in more of a technical setting...


oh, sorry, i didn't realize my comments would elicit an "ouch." didn't mean to be harsh.


i don't think the math paragraph is condescending, just superfluous.

you're not a poor writer, just perhaps not the best. but as i said, math is your passion, so one can't expect your writing to be top-notch. continue to be proud of your writing skills; no need to seek validation oh here. i was just critiquing your PS as I saw it.

Jen Loblaw
Posts: 83
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 10:45 pm

Re: "Traitors go to law school" Please Critique my PS!

Postby Jen Loblaw » Mon Nov 01, 2010 11:03 pm

and thank you for your critique. the ouch was mostly from me thinking i was close to done.

Jen Loblaw
Posts: 83
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 10:45 pm

Re: "Traitors go to law school" Please Critique my PS!

Postby Jen Loblaw » Wed Nov 03, 2010 3:44 pm

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Fred_McGriff
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Re: "Traitors go to law school" Please Critique my PS!

Postby Fred_McGriff » Thu Nov 04, 2010 9:46 am

I only read the first 3 sentences. I stopped reading because you used the word "language" three times. You can't repeat distinct words like that. Get a thesaurus or re-organize the sentences.


You also re-use the word "laws" and the phrase "real-world problems." Kind of jarring

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deadpoetnsp
Posts: 149
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2010 6:57 pm

Re: "Traitors go to law school" Please Critique my PS!

Postby deadpoetnsp » Thu Nov 04, 2010 9:53 am

Good SOP. I have a Food Sci + Chem E + patent work exp, so I can see where you are coming from!

Jen Loblaw
Posts: 83
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 10:45 pm

Re: "Traitors go to law school" Please Critique my PS!

Postby Jen Loblaw » Thu Nov 04, 2010 10:43 am

Fred_McGriff wrote:I only read the first 3 sentences. I stopped reading because you used the word "language" three times. You can't repeat distinct words like that. Get a thesaurus or re-organize the sentences.


You also re-use the word "laws" and the phrase "real-world problems." Kind of jarring


Wow I've read my ps a million times and didn't notice that, thanks!

Jen Loblaw
Posts: 83
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 10:45 pm

Re: "Traitors go to law school" Please Critique my PS!

Postby Jen Loblaw » Thu Nov 04, 2010 10:46 am

deadpoetnsp wrote:Good SOP. I have a Food Sci + Chem E + patent work exp, so I can see where you are coming from!


Good to hear from another chemE!




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