PS, Volume III

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ATR
Posts: 1119
Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2010 9:18 pm

PS, Volume III

Postby ATR » Thu Oct 28, 2010 1:00 pm

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Last edited by ATR on Sat Oct 30, 2010 3:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

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fatduck
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Re: PS, Volume III - Read mine and I'll read yours!

Postby fatduck » Thu Oct 28, 2010 3:51 pm

I like this PS; it's a good story, and that's one of the reasons I'm having a hard time coming up with specific recommendations for changes. The narrative flow seems to get interrupted at times by resume-like insertions. The last sentence of the first paragraph, for instance, and a lot of the third and fourth paragraphs could be trimmed down or reworded to be more story-like. I realize I'm being really vague, but I would recommend reading through each paragraph and every time you mention a job or responsibility think to yourself "why is this here?" If the answer is "so they know that I did such-and-such summer program," remove it. It's on your resume. I think if you pare down some of the phrases that aren't really essential to the story you're trying to tell, your PS will be more compact and effective.

Just something to think about - I think it would improve the readability, but I may be wrong.

ATR
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Re: PS, Volume III - Read mine and I'll read yours!

Postby ATR » Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:02 pm

Thanks for the input, fatduck. I hope mine was helpful as well.

ATR
Posts: 1119
Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2010 9:18 pm

Re: PS, Volume III - Read mine and I'll read yours!

Postby ATR » Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:47 pm

The offer still stands, everyone. Read mine and I'll read yours.

WayBryson
Posts: 179
Joined: Fri Sep 10, 2010 8:24 pm

Re: PS, Volume III - Read mine and I'll read yours!

Postby WayBryson » Fri Oct 29, 2010 2:43 am

I like this. I don't have anything to offer in terms of general theme or structure, but I felt that a few parts of it were a little contrived, and some of the transitions are too abrubt for my liking--particulary the jump from the 4th to the 5th paragraph. If you eliminated some (not all) of the parts which sort or read like a conversation with yourself, I think it will flow better. For example: instead of "I laugh to myself, realizing that I didn’t fully understand the significance of what I was saying at the time," perhaps, "I obviously didn't fully understand the significance of what I was saying two weeks ago when I told... ." As far as the abrubt paragraph changes go, I can't think of any easy solutions--and I don't think they are a huge issue. Honestly, I use a similar time shift in my essay and deliberatly rely on an abrubt transition to shift tone at one point. Anyway, these are my impressions, after a relatively quick reading, and these are small critiques for what strikes me as a very well crafted essay. If you are interested, I do some similar things with time in my essay if you want to take a look--I posted it under the example PS thread. Good Luck with you applications.

ATR
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Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2010 9:18 pm

Re: PS, Volume III - Read mine and I'll read yours!

Postby ATR » Fri Oct 29, 2010 2:51 am

WayBryson wrote:I like this. I don't have anything to offer in terms of general theme or structure, but I felt that a few parts of it were a little contrived, and some of the transitions are too abrubt for my liking--particulary the jump from the 4th to the 5th paragraph. If you eliminated some (not all) of the parts which sort or read like a conversation with yourself, I think it will flow better. For example: instead of "I laugh to myself, realizing that I didn’t fully understand the significance of what I was saying at the time," perhaps, "I obviously didn't fully understand the significance of what I was saying two weeks ago when I told... ." As far as the abrubt paragraph changes go, I can't think of any easy solutions--and I don't think they are a huge issue. Honestly, I use a similar time shift in my essay and deliberatly rely on an abrubt transition to shift tone at one point. Anyway, these are my impressions, after a relatively quick reading, and these are small critiques for what strikes me as a very well crafted essay. If you are interested, I do some similar things with time in my essay if you want to take a look--I posted it under the example PS thread. Good Luck with you applications.

Thanks for the input.

I like your idea about changing my inner monologues; I'm definitely going to experiment with changing those parts. I'll take a look at your PS; would you like me to critique it, or have you already finished your applications?

WayBryson
Posts: 179
Joined: Fri Sep 10, 2010 8:24 pm

Re: PS, Volume III - Read mine and I'll read yours!

Postby WayBryson » Fri Oct 29, 2010 3:02 am

I just read through it again, and if anything, I liked it better on the second reading. I like the inner monologue, and I wouldn't do anything drastic. It works--and it is a very difficult style of writing to pull off, which can only help your application. I would just drop some of the adverbs. I think you say calmly in one form or another like 4 times in the same paragraph. The story and writing already demonstrate that you have your shit together--and you have an ER Doctor saying the same thing at the end, so I think you are safe just letting your actions speak for you. I really don't like that one transition towards the end though. I get a little disoriented at that point.

As far as my statement goes, I don't need a critique though any thoughts are always welcome. I mentioned mine because I saw a few stylistic parallels between our respective essays (though our structures are quite different). Good luck.

hulahoop
Posts: 127
Joined: Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:29 pm

Re: PS, Volume III - Read mine and I'll read yours!

Postby hulahoop » Fri Oct 29, 2010 9:57 am

hey, I really like this, the only criticism I have would be trimming out some extra words (but that may be because I have been in cut down mode with my own PS). Just stuff to make it more direct, like in the second to last paragraph: Even though I’m grateful that my decreased responsibilities allow me to focus on school, although I miss my summer work schedule: 35 hours a week booked solid with staff meetings, research discussions, and conference calls. Honestly, I can’t wait to get back into the work force, equipped with a world-class graduate education and an opportunity to improve health care from a legal standpoint.

Personal preference, I just think it hits harder when you start with the action. It reads really well, the only other thing I would say is maybe a word or two about B's replacement when you mention her at the end, because I was kind of like "what? I thought they weren't hiring one?" when I got to that point.

ATR
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Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2010 9:18 pm

Re: PS, Volume III - Read mine and I'll read yours!

Postby ATR » Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:15 am

hulahoop wrote:hey, I really like this, the only criticism I have would be trimming out some extra words (but that may be because I have been in cut down mode with my own PS). Just stuff to make it more direct, like in the second to last paragraph: Even though I’m grateful that my decreased responsibilities allow me to focus on school, although I miss my summer work schedule: 35 hours a week booked solid with staff meetings, research discussions, and conference calls. Honestly, I can’t wait to get back into the work force, equipped with a world-class graduate education and an opportunity to improve health care from a legal standpoint.

Personal preference, I just think it hits harder when you start with the action. It reads really well, the only other thing I would say is maybe a word or two about B's replacement when you mention her at the end, because I was kind of like "what? I thought they weren't hiring one?" when I got to that point.

Thanks for your input. I'm definitely trying to cut down superfluous words. Feel free to PM me your PS and I'll get send you comments in the next day or so.

hulahoop
Posts: 127
Joined: Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:29 pm

Re: PS, Volume III - Read mine and I'll read yours!

Postby hulahoop » Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:32 am

will do. it is also posted, right near the top of this forum i believe if that is easier.

thanks! 8)

ATR
Posts: 1119
Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2010 9:18 pm

Re: PS, Volume III - Read mine and I'll read yours!

Postby ATR » Fri Oct 29, 2010 9:10 pm

The offer still stands.




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