Close to Final PS -- Please help!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
jjlaw
Posts: 299
Joined: Thu Dec 31, 2009 1:43 pm

Close to Final PS -- Please help!

Postby jjlaw » Thu Oct 28, 2010 12:16 pm

Thanks.
Last edited by jjlaw on Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

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gdane
Posts: 12331
Joined: Sat Sep 26, 2009 2:41 pm

Re: Close to Final PS -- Please help!

Postby gdane » Thu Oct 28, 2010 1:30 pm

I love the beginning of this statement. I can vividly picture the scene you describe and the stuff about hurried streets and cubicles is great. The story itself shows that youre resilient, mature and dedicated. Those are very positive traits that you should hit on more.

While the story is great and things flow, its a little fluffy. You could remove a few things. I know youre trying to convey that Moses went from a bad boy to a good student, but you dont need to go into so much detail about the things he did. One or two examples will suffice.

The ending is fantastic. That metaphor is just great. However, its killed by the preceding sentence. I know youre trying to tie law and the study of it to your statement, but it just doesnt fit. It feels very forced. You could eliminate that sentence and the statement would still work.

I would recommend focusing on your strengths, and there are lots, and how those would serve you well in the future as you face many challenges.

jjlaw
Posts: 299
Joined: Thu Dec 31, 2009 1:43 pm

Re: Close to Final PS -- Please help!

Postby jjlaw » Thu Oct 28, 2010 4:38 pm

Anyone else, please? I'd like to submit ASAP. Thanks.




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