PS Draft - any and all advice welcome

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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JenDarby
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PS Draft - any and all advice welcome

Postby JenDarby » Thu Oct 28, 2010 1:15 am

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Last edited by JenDarby on Sun Dec 19, 2010 1:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

FuturePrez
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Re: PS Draft - any and all advice welcome

Postby FuturePrez » Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:36 am

Off topic, didnt finish reading it BUT did you take the June 2010 LSAT at Swarthmore College in Pennsylvania?

The PS sounds very similar to the life of someone I met there who was from my area....

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JenDarby
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Re: PS Draft - any and all advice welcome

Postby JenDarby » Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:53 am

Well I hope they don't write their PS about it and apply to all the same schools as me! Wasn't me, but they sound very interesting....

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JenDarby
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Re: PS Draft - any and all advice welcome

Postby JenDarby » Thu Oct 28, 2010 5:18 pm

I'll gladly review anyone's PS if they review mine....

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CGI Fridays
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Re: PS Draft - any and all advice welcome

Postby CGI Fridays » Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:18 pm

Admittedly, my reasons for moving to a state I’d never visited were not firmly rooted in a defined plan or motivated by any monumental precursors. At only 20 ((Either "at age 20" or "at only 20 years old/ at only 20 years of age"... also you should definitely spell out "twenty")) I had an exaggerated notion of the benefits of graduating early to embark on some journey of life. All my accomplishments seemed to amount to nothing more than meeting expectations, a majority of which were set by my father. Nearing his 35th year serving as a police officer, he had always been a large motivating factor for me in both my professional and personal endeavors. From him I derived a general concern for the implications of the law and its pervasiveness into even minute events. He instilled in me the necessity of an education and the opportunities it could provide. I carried these concerns with me as I majored in Political Science at [ ] and sought out a job in the legal field in [ ].

With no tangible experience ((drop comma)) and a daunting unemployment rate to defy, it was a struggle to find an employer willing to give me a chance to pursue my interests. ((maybe re-work underlined sentence so that the employer is simply "willing to give [you] a chance" and work in the fact that this employer hires for positions you're interested in professionally earlier on, like "it was a struggle to find an employer in X (X being your field of interest) willing to give me a chance." Or something along those lines. Otherwise it sorta reads as if the employer is giving you the chance so you can pursue your interests, rather than giving you the chance merely because they expect that you'll do your job well for 'em.)) When I finally finagled my way into an interview at a local management consulting firm, I was determined to capitalize on the opportunity. I argued my case, expanded on my motivations, and compelled them to they hireD me on a temporary basis. ((Slightly fluffy sentence. Also, "compelled them to hire me" comes off as a bit snobbish.")) Eventually my presence became assumed and I felt secure in my position.



Whoa... time out. This is almost four pages long double-spaced. Unless Berkeley is the only school you're applying to, ya gotta cut this down a ton. Feel free to PM me again to come back after you've re-posted.

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CGI Fridays
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Re: PS Draft - any and all advice welcome

Postby CGI Fridays » Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:17 am

In my role As a Project Assistant, I was able to focus my job around on the legal matters of our cases that most ignited my interest. I was instantly ((this was not instant. Use a less hyperbolic description)) thrust into a complex bankruptcy case that’s reach ((lil' awkward)) was as immense as it was devastating ((weird thing to say. If something is devastating, we can assume it has an "immense reach," making this sentence a lil' redundant & fluffy)) . Among those most affected were thousands of beguiled investors, facing derailing financial losses. Many lacked computers, let alone the legal understanding or available resources to hire and pay for a lawyer. The investors were expected to navigate through mountains of documents my firm buried them in as the case progressed. Between the legalese and often perplexing deadlines, investors became increasingly demoralized.

That my company, which was profiting from the investors’ misfortune, ((consider replacing the last two commas with hyphens)) had no mechanism in place to assist them seemed to counter every press release we issued. I disregarded my already overwhelming workload and volunteered to be a point of contact for investors. Rather than take lunch breaks, I researched tax implications and reinvestment options. Initially my assistance was met with disdain. ((maybe connect the last & next sentences?)) Distrust of all who were involved in the case was common. Despite this resistance, my assistance was eventually received with gratitude. I began to find myself equally grateful for the opportunities investors afforded me. They aided me in my understanding of the complexities of the case, allowed me to become more intricately involved and provided value to my job.

From my work I developed a heightened understanding of the obstacles induced by financial uncertainty and educational barriers. I was determined to become actively involved in making even a small difference. ((join the last & next sentence)) I decided to volunteer to instruct an English as a Second Language course at a community college. The course was geared toward low income individuals, and most students enrolled were adults trying to improve their prospects at attaining better jobs and providing for their families. I again found myself faced with uncertainty as to of my abilities. A sense of skepticism that someone more than just over half their age could be of value permeated the classroom in our first weeks.

I needed to find a way to earn the students’ trust and convey my commitment if I was going to be of any value. I wanted them to recognize me as a resource. I made myself available both before and after class so students could pursue more individualized help. Soon I found I was responsible for more than just devising lesson plans and evaluating language skills. Students began to approach me regarding personal matters ranging from resume building to confusion over employment contracts. It became apparent that many in the class lacked knowledge of even the simplest forms of advocacy. To my dismay I was incapable of always providing significant aide. I utilized professional contacts and lobbied for the assistance of coworkers whenever possible. Still, there were times when I felt powerless due to my inability to resolve student matters.

My general interest in law is compounded by my desire to be both a resource and an advocate for lowerincome communities. While I’ve always had an interest in the study of law, my experiences after college have assured me that I am committed to pursuing it. My relocation to an unfamiliar state enabled me to embrace uncertainty and welcome challenges. This is an isolated curveball)) I recognize now that the value of an education extends only as far as its application. Although my life is not typified by adversity, I have become accustomed to maneuvering through its impediments.


Sorry about the length confusion. Your font choice at size 11 does the trick.

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JenDarby
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Re: PS Draft - any and all advice welcome

Postby JenDarby » Sat Oct 30, 2010 2:58 am

Thanks for your help!!

* edit - I'd love input from anyone else who may look at this!
Last edited by JenDarby on Sat Oct 30, 2010 3:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

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CGI Fridays
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Re: PS Draft - any and all advice welcome

Postby CGI Fridays » Sat Oct 30, 2010 3:00 am

You're welcome. Good luck to ya.




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