Need critiques...will proof your PS in return.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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cofc2008
Posts: 63
Joined: Wed Oct 06, 2010 10:29 am

Need critiques...will proof your PS in return.

Postby cofc2008 » Thu Oct 28, 2010 1:08 am

Msg me if you would like me to read yours. I am very good at editing and will correct grammar/punctuation, clarity, syntax as well as overall message. I am not asking that anyone does the same for me, but it would be nice.

question to be answered:
1.) when I talk about the case I argued, should I get more specific? I wanted to talk about it in a general sense so that the case itself doesn't overshadow my purpose for mentioning it--how it helped me realize I would do well in law school.

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Two of my grandparents and three of my friends had recently died within a few months of each other. I was down, depressed, shocked and angry—not with God, but with myself. It was just after grades were posted for the spring semester. It was May, 2009, and I had just completed one of my worst semesters. Depression was rearing its ugly head once again. I had been in this situation before with disastrous results at the College of Charleston. I knew that something had to change quickly or I would not be at the University of Kansas for long. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist and dedicated myself to pulling out of this downward trend. We met several times and I was prescribed an antidepressant. The summer session was starting soon and I needed to do well. I had to develop tools for overcoming the depression that had plagued me since I was a child. With the help of my psychiatrist and the prescribed medication, I learned how to beat depression, realizing my strengths in the process.

I had an extremely busy summer ahead of me. I was enrolled in three classes, while working in a senator’s office in Topeka, KS. When I began taking the medication and visiting with the psychiatrist, I could immediately feel a difference. I had motivation and I was focused. Classes started a couple of weeks after that, and I was soon studying the First Amendment, journalism ethics and oral history. I had never been so eager to learn. I already knew that I could write but I didn’t know much about my research skills. For the First Amendment class, I had to research and defend one side of a freedom of speech-related case. Every class period featured two teams debating a case as if it were a real trial. The case and position for each team was predetermined by the professor. As journalism students, we were not versed in legal vernacular or procedure, but we knew how to argue. I poured through Supreme Court decisions. I did research on relevant statutes and combed the internet for any piece of evidence I could use to support my claims. I was already at a disadvantage in that a U.S. appellate court ruling favored the opposition’s viewpoint. However, I looked at my data and decided to approach the case from a different angle than the attorneys involved with the actual trial. After spending copious amounts of time thinking about ways to attack my own argument, I prepared counter statements to any foreseeable weaknesses. Walking into class, I knew that I was in a great position to win this debate. At the end of the class, the professor polled the students and asked two questions: which position do you support, and, regardless of who is right, which team provided the more convincing argument? While the majority of the class sided with the opposing view, the vast majority felt that my team had made the better argument. After some introspection, I realized that I thoroughly enjoy doing research and debating a case or issue using gathered evidence. The whole process comes naturally to me. I had finally found something that I could do well and enjoy. A couple of days later, I began researching law schools, and eventually decided I wanted to pursue a law degree.

I finished the summer term with a 3.2 GPA in some of the hardest classes I have taken in college. I knew that I was on the right track, but I still needed to improve. The next step in my recovery was to maintain my motivation without the help of medication. I decided I was ready for that step in October of the following semester. It was another difficult term, but I had to demonstrate that I could maintain my grades without antidepressants. My English and journalism courses reinforced the confidence I have in my writing and research abilities. I also improved as a researcher— always finding the useful nuggets of information. My ability to put arguments into words also improved as I became focused on my studies. As a result, I performed much better than the previous semester.

I managed to earn a 3.1 GPA. I still needed to improve, but I was clearly winning the battle with depression. In order to confidently state that I knew how to overcome difficult circumstances, however, I needed an excellent spring semester. I was officially into the core journalism classes for strategic communication majors. Those classes, in addition to difficult English and history courses, made this term the hardest I’ve ever endured. During that semester, I found the success that had escaped me for so many years. Life can be stressful at times, and I know how to deal with those conditions now. I continued to hone my research and writing skills, and my dedication resulted in a great semester. I was able to manage a 3.5 GPA, which convinced me that I can overcome depression.

It took me a long time to realize my strengths in the classroom, but, in the end, they were all too apparent. My skills include, but are not limited to, writing, research and debate. I participate actively in class and contribute to the discussions whenever it is appropriate. If given admission to XXXX law school, I would bring all of these strengths with me. In my last year of college, I have found that I truly enjoy learning. My ambitions have never been higher, and I now realize that I possess the skills to succeed in law school. Likewise, my motivation is also at an all-time high. I know that I will do great things in law school and beyond, and I would love the opportunity to fulfill my dreams at XXXX law school.

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nataliejane38
Posts: 48
Joined: Tue Aug 03, 2010 10:19 pm

Re: Need critiques...will proof your PS in return.

Postby nataliejane38 » Thu Oct 28, 2010 7:36 am

It seems like your whole PS is just to explain your less than perfect GPA. Overall, it is not very effective. You need to be selling yourself and playing up your strengths and motivation for attending law school and I am not seeing that here.

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acfair
Posts: 33
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2010 4:01 pm

Re: Need critiques...will proof your PS in return.

Postby acfair » Thu Oct 28, 2010 8:27 am

Going to be harsh here, so I apologize in advance.

I was honestly bored after the first paragraph. You really need to find ways to begin sentences with something other than 'I'.

I went to the store. I bought a soda. I drank the soda. I recycled the bottle.

It gets so tedious!

Also, you write that you have great writing skills, but this PS has no life. It needs more narrative. Go read some of the PS examples. This shouldn't just be a list of your accomplishments.

Here, if you want to rip me apart, a link:

viewtopic.php?f=18&t=134576

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cofc2008
Posts: 63
Joined: Wed Oct 06, 2010 10:29 am

Re: Need critiques...will proof your PS in return.

Postby cofc2008 » Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:16 am

acfair wrote:Going to be harsh here, so I apologize in advance.

I was honestly bored after the first paragraph. You really need to find ways to begin sentences with something other than 'I'.

I went to the store. I bought a soda. I drank the soda. I recycled the bottle.




Yeah. I was thinking it was an issue. I've been having a little trouble figuring out the wording. I don't wanna use passive tense, but I need to find something other than "I." It is so much harder to see my own mistakes than other people's....that's why, if you look closely, I said I was a good editor, not writer. Thanks for the harsh criticism. I truly appreciate it. The favor will be returned.

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cofc2008
Posts: 63
Joined: Wed Oct 06, 2010 10:29 am

Re: Need critiques...will proof your PS in return.

Postby cofc2008 » Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:19 am

nataliejane38 wrote:It seems like your whole PS is just to explain your less than perfect GPA. Overall, it is not very effective. You need to be selling yourself and playing up your strengths and motivation for attending law school and I am not seeing that here.


Thanks for the advice.




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