Please Delete

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
jaydizzle
Posts: 714
Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 6:28 pm

Please Delete

Postby jaydizzle » Wed Oct 27, 2010 1:18 pm

Thanks for all the help!
Last edited by jaydizzle on Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:15 am, edited 4 times in total.

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gdane
Posts: 12331
Joined: Sat Sep 26, 2009 2:41 pm

Re: Another Attempt at a PS, from immigration to weightlifting

Postby gdane » Wed Oct 27, 2010 1:24 pm

Remove the stuff about trial lawyers. More specifically, remove the stuff about how you know what they do and that you think youd be perfect for this. It comes off as naive and silly. You dont really need to mention that youre a top business student at your university. The school will see that on your transcript.

Congratulations on no longer being a fatty. Its a good thing to talk about, but putting it after your first story takes away its "oomp". On that note, you have 2 personal statements in one. Fuse them together better. Make them compliment each other. As it stands, they dont work together.

This has great potential. Keep revising.

Good luck!

jaydizzle
Posts: 714
Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 6:28 pm

Re: Another Attempt at a PS, from immigration to weightlifting

Postby jaydizzle » Wed Oct 27, 2010 1:26 pm

gdane5 wrote:Remove the stuff about trial lawyers. More specifically, remove the stuff about how you know what they do and that you think youd be perfect for this. It comes off as naive and silly. You dont really need to mention that youre a top business student at your university. The school will see that on your transcript.

Congratulations on no longer being a fatty. Its a good thing to talk about, but putting it after your first story takes away its "oomp". On that note, you have 2 personal statements in one. Fuse them together better. Make them compliment each other. As it stands, they dont work together.

This has great potential. Keep revising.

Good luck!


Thanks! looks like it is better than my first at least.

RPK34
Posts: 522
Joined: Tue Mar 02, 2010 6:31 pm

Re: Another Attempt at a PS, from immigration to weightlifting

Postby RPK34 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 1:33 pm

1. Don't write a PS on weightlifting and getting into shape. If I was an adcomm and read that, I'd seriously be questioning a candidate who has 2 pages to say something about his entire life, and chooses to talk about eating right and exercising. Just my opinion though.

2. Why are you talking about being an 8th grade valedictorian? Especially in the context of "I've finally achieved success." Not to be rude, but again, if you have to resort to your 8th grade report card to talk about achieving something, it just looks bad.

3. Sounds like you took two personal statements and just added them together.

jaydizzle
Posts: 714
Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 6:28 pm

Re: Another Attempt at a PS, from immigration to weightlifting

Postby jaydizzle » Wed Oct 27, 2010 1:38 pm

RPK34 wrote:1. Don't write a PS on weightlifting and getting into shape. If I was an adcomm and read that, I'd seriously be questioning a candidate who has 2 pages to say something about his entire life, and chooses to talk about eating right and exercising. Just my opinion though.

2. Why are you talking about being an 8th grade valedictorian? Especially in the context of "I've finally achieved success." Not to be rude, but again, if you have to resort to your 8th grade report card to talk about achieving something, it just looks bad.

3. Sounds like you took two personal statements and just added them together.


Yeah, I see where you are coming from. I do feel that losing a large amount of weight reinforces the big picture which I painted earlier on about being persistent and determined. It's not 5 or 10 pounds, it is 60. Is this just a big no no? Reading it again does make it sound like two different statements, I need to work on tying both of them together.

As far the eight grade thing, it may sound stupid but from being laughed at by certain people and continuing to progress and ultimately come on top over them was pretty sweet. I guess I should scrap it though.

RPK34
Posts: 522
Joined: Tue Mar 02, 2010 6:31 pm

Re: Another Attempt at a PS, from immigration to weightlifting

Postby RPK34 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 1:47 pm

jaydizzle wrote:
RPK34 wrote:1. Don't write a PS on weightlifting and getting into shape. If I was an adcomm and read that, I'd seriously be questioning a candidate who has 2 pages to say something about his entire life, and chooses to talk about eating right and exercising. Just my opinion though.

2. Why are you talking about being an 8th grade valedictorian? Especially in the context of "I've finally achieved success." Not to be rude, but again, if you have to resort to your 8th grade report card to talk about achieving something, it just looks bad.

3. Sounds like you took two personal statements and just added them together.


Yeah, I see where you are coming from. I do feel that losing a large amount of weight reinforces the big picture which I painted earlier on about being persistent and determined. It's not 5 or 10 pounds, it is 60. Is this just a big no no? Reading it again does make it sound like two different statements, I need to work on tying both of them together.

As far the eight grade thing, it may sound stupid but from being laughed at by certain people and continuing to progress and ultimately come on top over them was pretty sweet. I guess I should scrap it though.


I don't know if it's a big no-no. Honestly, I would have broken several of my state powerlifting records when I was 19 if I hadn't injured my lower back. But I would never write a PS on it, even though it required absurd amounts of devotion. I don't really think the PS matters that much, but you have 2 pages to let an adcomm know what separates you from other people. Eating healthy and losing weight doesn't jump out to me.

And I see what you're saying with the 8th grade valedictorian thing. Problem is it got lost from the whole section on being laughed at because you put that weighlifting section in there.

jaydizzle
Posts: 714
Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 6:28 pm

Re: Another Attempt at a PS, from immigration to weightlifting

Postby jaydizzle » Wed Oct 27, 2010 1:50 pm

RPK34 wrote:
jaydizzle wrote:
RPK34 wrote:1. Don't write a PS on weightlifting and getting into shape. If I was an adcomm and read that, I'd seriously be questioning a candidate who has 2 pages to say something about his entire life, and chooses to talk about eating right and exercising. Just my opinion though.

2. Why are you talking about being an 8th grade valedictorian? Especially in the context of "I've finally achieved success." Not to be rude, but again, if you have to resort to your 8th grade report card to talk about achieving something, it just looks bad.

3. Sounds like you took two personal statements and just added them together.


Yeah, I see where you are coming from. I do feel that losing a large amount of weight reinforces the big picture which I painted earlier on about being persistent and determined. It's not 5 or 10 pounds, it is 60. Is this just a big no no? Reading it again does make it sound like two different statements, I need to work on tying both of them together.

As far the eight grade thing, it may sound stupid but from being laughed at by certain people and continuing to progress and ultimately come on top over them was pretty sweet. I guess I should scrap it though.


I don't know if it's a big no-no. Honestly, I would have broken several of my state powerlifting records when I was 19 if I hadn't injured my lower back. But I would never write a PS on it, even though it required absurd amounts of devotion. I don't really think the PS matters that much, but you have 2 pages to let an adcomm know what separates you from other people. Eating healthy and losing weight doesn't jump out to me.

And I see what you're saying with the 8th grade valedictorian thing. Problem is it got lost from the whole section on being laughed at because you put that weighlifting section in there.


Yeah, I see that. To me being so overweight I couldn't find pants to wear to where I am now is kind of a big deal. I guess I see your point. I want to put it in, but at the same time I don't want sound like there is nothing else about me more worthy to put in. I am trying to think now, but nothing is coming to mind heh.

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gdane
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Re: Another Attempt at a PS, from immigration to weightlifting

Postby gdane » Wed Oct 27, 2010 1:54 pm

You can mention the losing weight thing. It demonstrates commitment and a desire to get results. Thats a great strength to have. Just refrain from being so specific. You dont want people to think youre this guy:

Image

jaydizzle
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Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 6:28 pm

Re: Another Attempt at a PS, from immigration to weightlifting

Postby jaydizzle » Wed Oct 27, 2010 2:02 pm

gdane5 wrote:You can mention the losing weight thing. It demonstrates commitment and a desire to get results. Thats a great strength to have. Just refrain from being so specific. You dont want people to think youre this guy:

Image


Hah, I see. That's the problem with me as a writer. I get too specific or not specific enough. I have to find the in between right now.

jaydizzle
Posts: 714
Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 6:28 pm

Re: Another Attempt at a PS, from immigration to weightlifting

Postby jaydizzle » Wed Oct 27, 2010 2:16 pm

I posted a new edit. Check it out.

jaydizzle
Posts: 714
Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 6:28 pm

Re: Another Attempt at a PS- immigration- Please Delete

Postby jaydizzle » Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:14 am

Can a mod delete this for me? Thanks!




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