One Sentence Grammar Q

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
mrwarre85
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One Sentence Grammar Q

Postby mrwarre85 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:16 am

The intricacy of today’s disagreements are increased by an international aspect, and whether they are between governments, intergovernmental agencies, political groups, socio-economic groups, or even races, their absolution requires more than just an open mind.

is it requires or require???

any other mistakes?

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plenipotentiary
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Re: One Sentence Grammar Q

Postby plenipotentiary » Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:17 am

Doesn't matter. Terrible sentence. Don't use words you're not comfortable with.

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Bildungsroman
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Re: One Sentence Grammar Q

Postby Bildungsroman » Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:26 am

mrwarre85 wrote:The intricacy of today’s disagreements are increased by an international aspect, and whether they are between governments, intergovernmental agencies, political groups, socio-economic groups, or even races, their absolution requires more than just an open mind.

is it requires or require???

any other mistakes?


"The intricacies of today's disagreements". You need subject-verb agreement.

Edit: This whole sentence seems awkward and overwrought. In your position, I would consider trying again at the whole thing.
Last edited by Bildungsroman on Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Lwoods
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Re: One Sentence Grammar Q

Postby Lwoods » Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:29 am

Bildungsroman wrote:
mrwarre85 wrote:The intricacy of today’s disagreements are increased by an international aspect, and whether they are between governments, intergovernmental agencies, political groups, socio-economic groups, or even races, their absolution requires more than just an open mind.

is it requires or require???

any other mistakes?


"The intricacies of today's disagreements". You need subject-verb agreement.


It's also unclear whether "they" refers to the intricacies or the disagreements.

And do you mean absolution or resolution? The latter would seem to make much more sense...

mrwarre85
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Re: One Sentence Grammar Q

Postby mrwarre85 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:42 am

haha oops. yeah I meant resolution. here is the whole paragraph for context:

Although philosophers have debated the complex nature of existence for centuries, the advent of the internet and reliable global transportation has made the world instantly accessible, and I believe this has provided my generation with a unique opportunity. We are now able to mediate disputes in a world that has become connected, and thus complicated by interdependence. The intricacy of today’s disagreements are increased by an international aspect, and whether they are between governments, intergovernmental agencies, political groups, socio-economic groups, or even races, their resolution requires more than just an open mind. In a complex and connected world, a global perspective is needed.

mrwarre85
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Re: One Sentence Grammar Q

Postby mrwarre85 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:43 am

Although philosophers have debated the complex nature of existence for centuries, the advent of the internet and reliable global transportation has made the world instantly accessible, and I believe this has provided my generation with a unique opportunity. We are now able to mediate disputes in a world that has become connected, and thus complicated by interdependence. The intricacies of today’s disagreements are increased by an international aspect, and whether they are between governments, intergovernmental agencies, political groups, socio-economic groups, or even races, their resolution requires more than just an open mind. In a complex and connected world, a global perspective is needed.

Correct? Is it unclear that I'm talking about disagreements..?

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plenipotentiary
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Re: One Sentence Grammar Q

Postby plenipotentiary » Wed Oct 27, 2010 11:05 am

mrwarre85 wrote:Although philosophers have debated the complex nature of existence for centuries, the advent of the internet and reliable global transportation has made the world instantly accessible, and I believe this has provided my generation with a unique opportunity. We are now able to mediate disputes in a world that has become connected, and thus complicated by interdependence. The intricacies of today’s disagreements are increased by an international aspect, and whether they are between governments, intergovernmental agencies, political groups, socio-economic groups, or even races, their resolution requires more than just an open mind. In a complex and connected world, a global perspective is needed.

Correct? Is it unclear that I'm talking about disagreements..?


There's no reason for you to mention philosophical debates on the nature of existence.

"Omit needless words. Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell." - Strunk & White

Bottom line, you need this book: http://www.bartleby.com/141/

mrwarre85
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Re: One Sentence Grammar Q

Postby mrwarre85 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 11:16 am

plenipotentiary wrote:
mrwarre85 wrote:Although philosophers have debated the complex nature of existence for centuries, the advent of the internet and reliable global transportation has made the world instantly accessible, and I believe this has provided my generation with a unique opportunity. We are now able to mediate disputes in a world that has become connected, and thus complicated by interdependence. The intricacies of today’s disagreements are increased by an international aspect, and whether they are between governments, intergovernmental agencies, political groups, socio-economic groups, or even races, their resolution requires more than just an open mind. In a complex and connected world, a global perspective is needed.

Correct? Is it unclear that I'm talking about disagreements..?


There's no reason for you to mention philosophical debates on the nature of existence.

"Omit needless words. Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell." - Strunk & White

Bottom line, you need this book: http://www.bartleby.com/141/



Anyone disagree with this? I read a book too. It said you can write about anything if you write well. I could make the paragraph more consise, and I will, but I like my "philosophical" topic because it represents me well.

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plenipotentiary
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Re: One Sentence Grammar Q

Postby plenipotentiary » Wed Oct 27, 2010 11:21 am

mrwarre85 wrote:
plenipotentiary wrote:
mrwarre85 wrote:Although philosophers have debated the complex nature of existence for centuries, the advent of the internet and reliable global transportation has made the world instantly accessible, and I believe this has provided my generation with a unique opportunity. We are now able to mediate disputes in a world that has become connected, and thus complicated by interdependence. The intricacies of today’s disagreements are increased by an international aspect, and whether they are between governments, intergovernmental agencies, political groups, socio-economic groups, or even races, their resolution requires more than just an open mind. In a complex and connected world, a global perspective is needed.

Correct? Is it unclear that I'm talking about disagreements..?


There's no reason for you to mention philosophical debates on the nature of existence.

"Omit needless words. Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell." - Strunk & White

Bottom line, you need this book: http://www.bartleby.com/141/



Anyone disagree with this? I read a book too. It said you can write about anything if you write well. I could make the paragraph more consise, and I will, but I like my "philosophical" topic because it represents me well.


You're not writing well.

Maybe the "philosophical" bit would make sense if you named a specific philosopher and tied his ideas to your observations about globalization. As it stands, that sentence fragment is a non sequitur which makes you sound pretentious but not especially intelligent.

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Shooter
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Re: One Sentence Grammar Q

Postby Shooter » Wed Oct 27, 2010 11:22 am

"It said you can write about anything if you write well."

Pay close attention to the last part of this sentence.

And you know what else the internet brought to humanity? The online Thesaurus.

No longer are people impressed by your vocabulary.

mrwarre85
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Re: One Sentence Grammar Q

Postby mrwarre85 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 11:25 am

Ok I'm listening.. Can I post my first page for your critique? A few concrete examples of how to make it better might help me a lot.

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Shooter
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Re: One Sentence Grammar Q

Postby Shooter » Wed Oct 27, 2010 11:25 am

Also, no one disagrees with Strunk and White.

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Shooter
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Re: One Sentence Grammar Q

Postby Shooter » Wed Oct 27, 2010 11:25 am

Sure, post away or you can PM it.

mrwarre85
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Re: One Sentence Grammar Q

Postby mrwarre85 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 11:37 am

While I was born in a small town in Oklahoma where the world was thought to be simple, by the time I was a teenager I had genuine doubts about this notion. During high school and college, my doubts grew—nothing in my path seemed to suggest that life was simple. It wasn’t until my early twenties, after writing, photographing, working and volunteering in over twenty-five countries that I had the proof that I needed. The world, with all its connected and different parts, is complex.
Although philosophers have debated the complex nature of existence for centuries, the advent of the internet and reliable global transportation has made the world instantly accessible, and I believe this has provided my generation with a unique opportunity. We are now able to mediate disputes in a world that has become connected, and thus complicated by interdependence. The intricacies of today’s disagreements are increased by an international aspect, and whether they are between governments, intergovernmental agencies, political groups, socio-economic groups, or even races, their resolution requires more than just an open mind. In a complex and connected world, a global perspective is needed.
While living overseas, the disputes in the world seemed more recognizable because as the world becomes more connected, the differences that create the obstacles in the world, crowded together, become more obvious. For example, I remember walking through the markets of Cairo, where inhabitants frequently scurry off the road, shrinking from Toyota Land-Rovers driven by government officials, and thinking how obvious income inequality was. Yet, we have the same problem in American—it is only that here; the vastness of our nation serves to slow the public’s opinion regarding the problem of mounting income inequality in the world. It allows the rich to build gated communities on the periphery of what would be a shared reality, shielded from the people they likely govern. Once issues like economic disparity are more easily identified, they can be more properly addressed.
Addressing the income gap is not why I want to be an attorney. The world has problems, this much is obvious. I desire a legal education because I want to be successful. I believe I can effectively advocate for those in need, including those born on the outside of gated communities, and that my life experience will provide me with an important initial advantage in this endeavor. After all, the future complexities in the legal field will likely contain international aspects.




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