DS - any feedback appreciated

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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DearCan
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DS - any feedback appreciated

Postby DearCan » Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:52 pm

My mother always started by saying, “Okay girls, I know you won’t like this, but…,” and after a while I learned the meaning behind those words, and the placating tone in which they were spoken: we were moving again. As an immigrant from ____, my mother was continually searching for her place in this country. The result was five high schools, three middle schools, and more elementary schools than I can remember. I was afforded the opportunity to reinvent myself with every move, meet new people, and expand my interpersonal skills. Any shyness I had did not survive the many moves that forced me into new classrooms with new classmates.

However, not every move was followed by a smooth transition at school. When I was in elementary school I had more than one teacher ask me if I could speak English, and after parent nights I was known as the girl whose mom had the “funny accent”. As I grew older these incidents became fewer, and my ethnicity became a source of friendly interest among my peers.

After my junior year of high school, my mother announced the final move before I left for college. Starting my senior year at a new school was daunting, but my fears were laid to rest when I began attending ______ High School. My AP courses were populated with the same group of people, and I made my first friend when the boy who sat in front of me turned around before class one day, and asked incredulously, “Are you reading Faulkner for fun?” We formed a mini-book club, meeting at Starbucks nearly every evening. Were it not for this final move, I would not have some of the invaluable friendships I have today.

The experience of moving constantly in my pre-college years has proven itself to be a valuable asset. It ingrained in me the confidence to open up to new people, which has allowed my social and professional network to grow continuously. As a result, I’m always on the lookout for new mutually beneficial relationships. My mother’s search for her place in the U.S. helped me to realize that my place can be wherever I’d like it to be. As long as there are people there.

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DearCan
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Re: DS - any feedback appreciated

Postby DearCan » Wed Oct 27, 2010 5:53 pm

Anyone?

sarahh
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Re: DS - any feedback appreciated

Postby sarahh » Wed Oct 27, 2010 6:21 pm

Can you elaborate more on how your ethnicity and your mother being an immigrant affected you? The focus seems to be mostly on moving, and many of the details, such as going to Starbucks, are somewhat superficial. Also, I would work on the writing. The last sentence in particular is distracting because it is not a sentence.

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bk1
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Re: DS - any feedback appreciated

Postby bk1 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 6:28 pm

Like the above poster said, you seem to be trying too hard to be vague. Get personal.

That being said, in the first paragraph, if you keep this sentence, I would change "my mother was continually searching" to "my family was continually searching." It sounds better as it includes you.

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DearCan
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Re: DS - any feedback appreciated

Postby DearCan » Wed Oct 27, 2010 6:56 pm

Thanks for the input, guys. All of the suggestions you two made addressed my concerns.

Sarah...my mother being an immigrant and the ways it affected me growing up aren't pleasant. I'm seriously hesitant to take this route. If you'd like more details, or can think how I can work the negative into a positive, I'd appreciate it. PM me if you have some spare time...




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