1st Draft PS - be BRUTAL

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
postm008
Posts: 8
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 12:19 am

1st Draft PS - be BRUTAL

Postby postm008 » Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:11 pm

I want to use this as a personal statement although it does cover SES statement too Please be brutal and let me know what you think. If you post some useful advice, please PM me your statement and I will return the favor!

Adapt and overcome: An overused and rarely understood statement to say the least. However, as a person born into a life of disadvantage and devoid of opportunities, it became a lifestyle that defined my plight for excellence. This lifestyle has continued past its original function of providing a path toward obtaining goals and has since functioned as a way to make my efforts better serve the areas of personal, educational, and professional development in my life.
In the youngest years of my life, I was taught to manipulate my situation and my resources to create the best solution possible. My mother, a part-time teacher and care provider to five children created a safe and stable home with virtually no money for necessities that most people can take for granted. I was raised on a disproportionately large quantity of potatoes and expired generic foods as a way to stretch the elusive dollar. I watched and adopted the methods of overcoming obstacles as early as childhood memory existed. My father, although unemployed, was a very intelligent man with a talent for speech and an ability to move mountains with his persuasive words. I realized this and began to emulate his ability. As soon as I could read, I filled my life with literature and learning. As soon as I could write, I did all I could to create powerful compositions. I was always striving to improve, to overcome. At an age before most children become self-aware, I had already become well aware of my condition and the fact that a great deal more than mediocrity was required to overcome it.
My father exited my life for a period of five years during my junior high and high school years. My mother was struggling to support a family and to foster a learning environment for her children. Without being asked to, I took it upon myself to lessen her burden by taking a full-time job after school. An unfortunate consequence of this action was my inability to be involved in extra-curricular activities that conflicted with my work schedule. Although I was helping my family, I knew that I was missing out on important activities that contribute to the development of a well-rounded person. Upon entering college I searched for ways to overcome this conflict.
For the first year of college I worked at a local restaurant to pay my tuition and found little time for anything else other than work and studies. In the summer following my freshman year, I began to intensively study the housing market around the university I attended. I began to notice the need for improved management of student housing in view of the fact that there were a large number of properties with absentee landlords; putting avoidable strains on the police and the permanent residents of the neighborhoods. I realized the need for corrective action, as well as the potential for a business opportunity that would afford me a way to pay my tuition while also allowing me to participate in extra-curricular activities.
After carefully creating a comprehensive business plan and refining it with consideration to potential clients and local homeowners associations, I approached investors and landlords in the area and proposed my property management services to them. These services simultaneously increased landlords’ profitability and neighborhood cohesiveness. I also approached the local neighborhood association and proposed a community outreach program that encouraged student and non-student neighbors to meet each other and form bonds that were, otherwise, absent.
My actions were not wholly altruistic, however. The successful creation and operation of this business has afforded me the time to participate in psychological research, captain a soccer team, and volunteer at low-income housing organizations. Since my successful conquering of my economic disadvantage, I have continued to fill my time with productive and fulfilling activities, the like of which have developed me professionally and intellectually in ways that will allow me to succeed in law school. I have never considered law school to be something easy, but I have always viewed it as attainable and as a goal that can be reached because of my superior abilities to adapt and overcome.

User avatar
plenipotentiary
Posts: 616
Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2010 11:13 pm

Re: 1st Draft PS - be BRUTAL

Postby plenipotentiary » Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:19 pm

Don't pity yourself so much and don't use words you're not comfortable using. Avoid "plight" at all costs, because you don't seem to know what it means and because of what it means.

User avatar
nataliejane38
Posts: 48
Joined: Tue Aug 03, 2010 10:19 pm

Re: 1st Draft PS - be BRUTAL

Postby nataliejane38 » Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:29 pm

Kind of a hard read - too many useless words and almost a detachment from what you are writing about. I don't see you in this statement - just you talking about yourself, if that makes any sense. And you come across as arrogant.

postm008
Posts: 8
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 12:19 am

Re: 1st Draft PS - be BRUTAL

Postby postm008 » Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:44 pm

Agreed. Thanks for the input. Do you think its something I can work with or a throw away?

IF there are parts I should keep, what are they?

blsingindisguise
Posts: 1296
Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:08 am

Re: 1st Draft PS - be BRUTAL

Postby blsingindisguise » Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:50 pm

Rewrite this like you were telling it as a story to your good friend instead of trying to sound smart to an admissions committee. That will give you a better starting point. Your writing needs to relax. Use more action and detail and fewer adjectives.

blsingindisguise
Posts: 1296
Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:08 am

Re: 1st Draft PS - be BRUTAL

Postby blsingindisguise » Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:51 pm

BTW I think you have good material there, it's just the style that's the problem.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: 1st Draft PS - be BRUTAL

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Oct 26, 2010 11:42 pm

Too wordy. The concluding sentence is a bit weak.
DELETE: "...the like of...".
CONSIDER: "...my learned abilities to adapt and overcome adversity."
OR: "I am ready to apply my learned abilities to adapt and overcome the challenges of law school." (In place of your final sentence.)
If feasible, try to have your university writing center help edit this essay as it needs substantial revision although your theme is fine.
CONSIDER: DELETING the first paragraph, then changing the new first sentence to:"In the youngest years of my life I learned to manipulate my situation and my resources to adapt and overcome challenges." Your entire first paragraph is unnecessary as it becomes redundant. These changes to the first & last sentences (after deleting the entire first paragraph) should help streamline your essay & make it more powerful due to conciseness.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.