Another horrible effort

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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PinkCow
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Another horrible effort

Postby PinkCow » Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:10 pm

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Last edited by PinkCow on Wed Dec 01, 2010 2:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

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JazzOne
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Re: Another horrible effort

Postby JazzOne » Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:11 pm

Are you waiting for your LSAT score, chip?

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PinkCow
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Re: Another horrible effort

Postby PinkCow » Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:13 pm

Yes, first time taking it. I'm having a little trouble focusing on the PS when my future still hangs largely in the balance until Friday.

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plenipotentiary
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Re: Another horrible effort

Postby plenipotentiary » Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:14 pm

chip3341 wrote:I spent a while working on a PS, only to have it sadly destroyed by the faithful TLS forum contributers. So, here's my second official crack at it, with a completely different subject and approach. It's only the 1st paragraph. The rest of it will detail two main steps in my "a-ha" transformation, so to speak (1 HS class and 1 college class/work). So, tell me forum, is this terribly horrendous as well?


Growing up in an extremely conservative, religious family, private school and frequent extracurricular religious activities dominated my life and largely determined my childhood worldview. At home, faith superseded logic and reason, and in matters of public and private life, my parents’ interpretation of Biblical principles served as the only acceptable evaluating criteria. Thus, I grew up believing that holding views that were anything less than my parents’ conservative ideal (e.g., anti-abortion, anti-homosexuality, anti-welfare, etc.) would literally put my eternal soul in danger. Naturally, such an upbringing frightened any questioning out of me, and I grew up with very limited understandings of concepts such as justice, reason, and open-mindedness. However, as the economy began to weaken and my father subsequently lost his job, my family was unable to pay for expensive private tuition and, thus, sent me to a small, Charter school for my last two years of secondary education – a decision that would later mark the beginning of my intellectual awakening.


Are you sure you want to write about religion and politics? What if the person who reads your essay is a conservative or a Christian?

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JazzOne
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Re: Another horrible effort

Postby JazzOne » Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:16 pm

chip3341 wrote:Yes, first time taking it. I'm having a little trouble focusing on the PS when my future still hangs largely in the balance until Friday.

Yeah, that's how it seems. I can't really help with your PS because I suck at those. How high were you PTing before the real deal? Honestly, the LSAT score matters so much more than the stupid PS, I'd probably just wait until this weekend to see where you stand.

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PinkCow
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Re: Another horrible effort

Postby PinkCow » Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:26 pm

I know that's what I'm tempted to do, but now I'm a bit obsessed. I took every PT but ~5 and averaged about 174, but I may have choked a little due to nerves (I'm gonna cry if I get under 169).

Same for you?

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PinkCow
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Re: Another horrible effort

Postby PinkCow » Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:29 pm

Are you sure you want to write about religion and politics? What if the person who reads your essay is a conservative or a Christian?[/quote]


Yeah, I'm trying not to come off like I'm critiquing either. I plan to talk about how I discovered speech and debate (Lincoln Douglas), Logic and Critical Thinking, and political philosophy. In other words it's an argument for logic and reason, not anti-X - I'm still a Christian and have some conservative tendencies, but my beliefs are now a result of thoughtful consideration, not just blind faith like I was taught. Does that make any sense?

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plenipotentiary
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Re: Another horrible effort

Postby plenipotentiary » Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:35 pm

chip3341 wrote:Yeah, I'm trying not to come off like I'm critiquing either. I plan to talk about how I discovered speech and debate (Lincoln Douglas), Logic and Critical Thinking, and political philosophy. In other words it's an argument for logic and reason, not anti-X - I'm still a Christian and have some conservative tendencies, but my beliefs are now a result of thoughtful consideration, not just blind faith like I was taught. Does that make any sense?


Makes sense. I just think you probably can accomplish the same thing without dissing your parents.

Also, if your average is 174 and you've taken almost every PT, I think it's very unlikely that you scored under 170.

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PinkCow
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Re: Another horrible effort

Postby PinkCow » Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:41 pm

I agree with your critique. Thanks for the help!

Anyone else?

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rinkrat19
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Re: Another horrible effort

Postby rinkrat19 » Tue Oct 26, 2010 11:19 pm

I like the theme and think it could be very interesting.

chip3341 wrote:Growing up in an extremely conservative, religious family, private school and frequent extracurricular religious activities dominated my life and largely determined my childhood worldview.


First sentence sounds like either you grew up in a private school, or the private school grew up in a religious family. Your modifiers are a bit awkward, and the subject of the first clause (you) does not agree with the subject of the second clause (private school & religious activities).

You might consider breaking it into two sentences. As a child, my worldview was largely defined by my upbringing in an extremely conservative, religious family. I attended a private school and most of my extracurricular activities were church-related, and these non-secular influences dominated. Or something. (Sorry, that's not great either.)

The paragraph uses too many transition words. Pretty much every sentence starts with thus/however/naturally. This has the result of making the paragraph read like a geometry proof, and sounding rather pompous. You can vary the sentences structure while still saying the same thing. Plus, you might need a transition word later in the essay and find that you've used them all up! :)

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PinkCow
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Re: Another horrible effort

Postby PinkCow » Tue Oct 26, 2010 11:35 pm

Thanks rinkrat19, I completely agree with you - I rely on complex sentences way too much. "Formal" writing just doesn't look right to me unless it's got that structure.

Thanks again.

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JazzOne
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Re: Another horrible effort

Postby JazzOne » Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:05 am

chip3341 wrote:I know that's what I'm tempted to do, but now I'm a bit obsessed. I took every PT but ~5 and averaged about 174, but I may have choked a little due to nerves (I'm gonna cry if I get under 169).

Same for you?

I'm a 2L. I just noticed that you've posted a few PSs, and that dog avatar is hideous! WTF is that thing? I mean, I love dogs, and I could deal with the strange head, but the lips would freak me out.

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PinkCow
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Re: Another horrible effort

Postby PinkCow » Wed Oct 27, 2010 2:57 am

Ha I know...A face only a mother could love. Just a face blend in Photoshop (not my work, FYI).




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