Personal Statement First Draft....Feedback is appreciated!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:46 pm

Personal Statement First Draft....Feedback is appreciated!

Postby kroger03 » Tue Oct 26, 2010 8:06 pm

This is just my first draft, so advice and feedback is appreciated! In the last paragraph of the statement I was planning on including some stuff specific to the school it is being sent to.
Thanks a lot!!

Right before my first semester of college, my parents told me that this was the time of my life to try something new and outside of my comfort zone. My professors affirmed this by encouraging us to do something unfamiliar and foreign to us to find out who we really were. I took their advice when I applied for an internship with the Canadian Parliament. It was in Canada that I developed an interest for the law, and made the decision to attend law school after I completed my undergraduate education. To gain more exposure to the study of law as an undergraduate student, I applied for a part-time position with a local immigration lawyer. I figured that this experience would be no more foreign than my experience in Canada, but it turned out to be the very definition of what my parents and professors meant when they said outside of the comfort zone and unfamiliar.
When Edward Leavy posted a position for some help on the weekends for his immigration law firm, I figured that it would offer great exposure to the field of immigration law, as well as law in general. Mr. Leavy and I began working together immediately after I applied for the position. During our first meeting, I learned what it was like to be an immigration lawyer. I learned of the different types of visas that his firm specialized in, the application process, and the incredible people he has met and experiences he has had as a lawyer. I was fascinated with the intricacies of the application process and requirements, and left his office that weekend with a desire to know more. During the week I pored over the different applications he had lent me, and studied the facets of the application that were most important in the decision for whether the applicant was granted visa. My desire for knowledge on the subject could not seem to be quenched as I studied for seemingly countless hours until the weekend came. Mr. Leavy realized the work I had put into the job on my own time, and after working just two weeks with him, he decided to assign me a project that would challenge me in ways I had not yet experienced.
Mr. Leavy’s immigration law firm specializes in the application for “O” visas, which are granted to immigrants with abilities that would be beneficial to the United States. In most cases, these visas are reserved for prolific scientists, musicians, artists, and medical doctors. Visas are easily granted to foreign students wishing to study at American universities, but the immigration process upon graduation for medical students is quite complicated. To obtain a visa immediately after attending a residency program, a foreign medical student must agree to work for in the health care field in an underserved and underdeveloped region of America. Mr. Leavy decided that the recruitment of foreign health care professionals to these underserved regions of the country would not only benefit immigrants wishing to practice in America, but also Americans with limited access to quality healthcare. He assigned me the task of starting a business that would recruit foreign doctors from residency programs across the country and place them in hospitals that desperately needed help.
As a political science major, I never imagined that I would be in charge of starting a business. It seemed a daunting task on top of attending school full-time and working thirty hours for my part-time job during the week. I did not even know where to begin the process of starting a small business, so I started by doing something that was familiar and comforting. I began by extensively researching the laws that surrounded granting a foreign health care professional a visa in the years following medical residency. Not only did I enjoy studying the law surrounding this particular aspect of immigration law, I found that it comforted me in a time of confusion. The concepts of the law that were completely unfamiliar to me just weeks prior now served as a source of confidence to complete this foreign task. I decided to take on what seemed to be the most daunting aspect of my assignment – establishing a corporation.
This step was difficult because I had no previous experience doing anything related to starting a business. Mr. Leavy and I began to have conflicting schedules, which forced me to work completely independent of outside help and counsel. I studied for hours about the difference between the types of corporations that could be formed, and decided that an LLC would best suit the needs of our particular situation. Because my decision was based on such extensive research, I trusted that it would be correct and applied for the Articles of Incorporation in the state of West Virginia. Although the process seemed daunting at first, I found that researching a topic extensively and really understanding how it worked made it possible to achieve my goal.
Mr. Leavy allocated a modest budget designed to account for startup costs and operating cost for about a year. I decided to utilize the budget to allow for maximum exposure of the business to help it survive longer than a year. To boost the public image and credibility of our business, I decided that a website should be established. Because of budget restraints, I could not hire a professional to design and publish our webpage. I had to take the responsibility of designing the webpage myself, which was yet another thing outside of my comfort zone. I was surprised that it only took about two weeks to learn how to design a webpage, apply for a domain name, and publish a fully functional website. To ensure our clientele that our company was legitimate, I established an email system that matched our domain name rather than a generic, free email service. It is small details like this that I believe make our business more legitimate in the eyes of our potential clientele. I also set up a phone line dedicated to the business, which took a considerable amount out of the first year budget. To allow the business to last more than a year, I established a monthly budget. This tight monthly budget was carefully planned with all expenses accounted for, and ensured that the business would be able to last past the projected one year on just the startup budget alone.
When I entered college, I expected to do some things out of the ordinary. I planned on meeting new people, trying new things, taking interesting courses, but I did not believe that I would start a business. I have to admit that I was unsure of the future of the business, but I believe that my hard word and determination established it and has helped it survive for the past year. I will take this same spirit of hard work and determination into law school to help me succeed, and eventually reach my goal of becoming a lawyer. Although I expected to gain more experience in the field of law under Edward Leavy, I believe that the unexpected task he assigned me helped learn more about myself than any experience had before. It not only gave me confidence in my ability to research and make decisions, but it also gave me the feeling that success can be achieved through hard work. After all of the advice received from my parents and teachers in the past, it seems that this last piece of advice I received has been the most valuable.

Thanks again!

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Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 9:14 pm

Re: Personal Statement First Draft....Feedback is appreciated!

Postby ApolloniusCanon » Tue Oct 26, 2010 9:22 pm

It is well organized, so nothing structurally needs to change. You do use the word "daunting" enough times that I was a little bothered by it, but that may not matter. You also might be able to sharpen up the second to last paragraph, particularly your transition from discussing what you did to make the business seem legitimate to your discussion of your careful financial management. And still discussing financial management, you might want to elaborate on how your planned carefully, or on the other hand shorten those sentences - its alot of words to say, - we balanced the money well. Also move your comment about the dedicated phone line above the prior "attention to these details legitimized my business" setence.

All in all, your statement seems strong. I certainly like it better than my own... sigh. On that note, if you get the chance, feel free to give my PS some feedback as well: viewtopic.php?f=18&t=134382. Good luck man.

Posts: 33
Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:46 pm

Re: Personal Statement First Draft....Feedback is appreciated!

Postby kroger03 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:23 am

Thanks for the feedback!

Posts: 33
Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:46 pm

Re: Personal Statement First Draft....Feedback is appreciated!

Postby kroger03 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:56 pm

Just trying to get this on the front page to get some comments...I know it can't be perfect so please send anything that can help me out!

Posts: 53
Joined: Wed Oct 27, 2010 1:24 am

Re: Personal Statement First Draft....Feedback is appreciated!

Postby ryno8cubs5 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 4:27 pm

I am assuming you are aplying in Canada since it is very long and you have a lot of Canadian references in there.

But, I agree with the comment about the use of daunting. Your essay is very good and I do not see much that could be wrong. Being very harsh I may say that in the second paragraph you use the phrase "I learned" a lot. Maybe change the language there a bit to add some variation. Most of your sentences begin with I in the second paragraph. The second paragraph seems to be the only real weak point in your essay. Just tighten the bolts and add some revisions and you will have a very strong PS. The transition needs to be a little smoother to the third paragraph as well.
In the third paragraph you talk about how the research you did comforted you in a time of confusion, maybe explain what the confusion was? Just to give a little more insight.

If you make revisions, post them and I will try and help you more. I am no expert, but I can offer an outside perspective.

If you can, please help me as well. Look over my PS so that I can make mine better.

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