PS Volume 2 (aka new)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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StillHerexxx
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PS Volume 2 (aka new)

Postby StillHerexxx » Tue Oct 26, 2010 7:15 pm

...
Last edited by StillHerexxx on Thu Oct 28, 2010 9:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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StillHerexxx
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Re: PS Volume 2 (aka new)

Postby StillHerexxx » Tue Oct 26, 2010 9:43 pm

Anyone? You can give me some love, hate, indifference, anything you want. I just need some feedback.

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nataliejane38
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Re: PS Volume 2 (aka new)

Postby nataliejane38 » Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:00 pm

It's okay, but nothing really stands out about it. You mention journalism, then say you lacked career goals. I guess I am just not feeling the reason as to why you want to go to law school. If it was because of your experience working with the lawyer I would expand on that, instead of talking about your academic success, they will be able to see that from your GPA.

I wouldn scrap this line:
I shadowed a local small town lawyer, and unlike television shows, he did not solely take murder cases.
Kind of cheesy.

I don't get this line:
I have challenged myself academically in every way possible, but I am not a complete entity—no one is.
?

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StillHerexxx
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Re: PS Volume 2 (aka new)

Postby StillHerexxx » Tue Oct 26, 2010 11:46 pm

I was going for the growth since high school type of idea, so it only makes sense that I am still growing academically. Really we all are and law school is the next step for us to move to the next level, but it never stops. I was trying to explain that I have worked hard, but am willing to keep it up, because thats what you have to do in life.

That is a good point on the journalism. Originally I thought it was helpful in showing that I didn't really know what I wanted to do because I moved from journalism to english, but I never make that connection. So I will have to look into it.

The law shadowing was suppose to tie in the why law school. Maybe I can strengthen it some, but its suppose to show that I saw the inner workings of being a lawyer and the daily tedium, and surprising thats what interested me, rather than idealizing it like mostly everyone else (TV, every one that thinks they are going to be some big corporate lawyer).

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS Volume 2 (aka new)

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:42 am

Your essay effectively shows a maturing transition from high school football star to one seeking more in life. Your theme is appropriate for a law school personal statement. The problem, however, is that it is not as well written or as well constructed as it should be.
"highest grades", not "higher".
I don't understand the meaning of an "indiscreet" paper.
The sentence "I have challenged myself academically in every way possible, but I am not a complete entity--no one is." is not phrased well because you are unsure of what you want to convey to the reader. CONSIDER: "The academic challenges of college enabled me to grow intellectually while revealing my undeveloped potential and provoking me to improve further." (Although this proposed sentence is somewhat awkward, I think that it may lead you to a better way of phrasing your proposed version.)
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:56 am, edited 3 times in total.

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StillHerexxx
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Re: PS Volume 2 (aka new)

Postby StillHerexxx » Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:47 am

Thanks, I have a lot of work to do with the writing and structure, but its good to know that I was getting across what I wanted to. Upon re-reading, indiscreet writing doesn't work at all.

I almost forgot, In the last paragraph I was playing around with "I have" as a rhetorical device. So I used it consecutively in the whole paragraph (can't remember the cool latin name for this), does this work to get the point across? Or does it make it sound like I did it on accident because I had nothing better to write?

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS Volume 2 (aka new)

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:58 am

The last paragraph needs to be redone. Your essay is down to earth, sincere & believable; it just needs some refinement.

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StillHerexxx
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Re: PS Volume 2 (aka new)

Postby StillHerexxx » Wed Oct 27, 2010 1:00 am

Okay, thats what I needed to hear, I figured it was worth attempting. I need to work some chiasmus in somewhere. Adcomms love chiasmus.

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CGI Fridays
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Re: PS Volume 2 (aka new)

Postby CGI Fridays » Wed Oct 27, 2010 3:40 am

Re-post next draft?

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StillHerexxx
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Re: PS Volume 2 (aka new)

Postby StillHerexxx » Wed Oct 27, 2010 9:16 am

I will try to tonight. I am up to my eyes in work right now, but I need to finish the PS, so hopefully I can get it up later.

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StillHerexxx
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Re: PS Volume 2 (aka new)

Postby StillHerexxx » Wed Oct 27, 2010 8:36 pm

.....
Last edited by StillHerexxx on Thu Oct 28, 2010 9:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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StillHerexxx
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Re: PS Volume 2 (aka new)

Postby StillHerexxx » Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:43 pm

Any takers?

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CGI Fridays
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Re: PS Volume 2 (aka new)

Postby CGI Fridays » Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:48 pm

I'll get on this in a bit. Def before midnight eastern time.

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StillHerexxx
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Re: PS Volume 2 (aka new)

Postby StillHerexxx » Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:54 pm

Okay thanks a lot. Keep in mind its still a draft, hopefully a much crisper draft. The main thing I changed was the conclusion and a lot of the verbs--the first time around my verbs all tend to be the same, always have to doctor them up after.

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CGI Fridays
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Re: PS Volume 2 (aka new)

Postby CGI Fridays » Wed Oct 27, 2010 11:25 pm

My future all came down to this decision. ((don't open with uber cliche)) After months of contemplation, would I attend a small private college and walk onto the play football team or attend a state college ((drop comma)) with no football team, and focus on my academics? From the time I was young, football was my love. I trained year round, attended camps, and put everything into it. Unfortunately, I was from a small rural town and was barely recruited. For a long time my academics came second, but I knew what the right choice was—I could not afford to attend the private school solely for football. I sent in my acceptance letter to SUNY College at ------ and ended my football career.


I'm really sorry, but you lost me, I skimmed over it, & it's just not interesting to me at all. I feel like a dick, but it's true.
I guess I'm not the best person to be commenting here. :oops:

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StillHerexxx
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Re: PS Volume 2 (aka new)

Postby StillHerexxx » Wed Oct 27, 2010 11:52 pm

Yeah thats been my problem, but unfortunately, this is the best I have because football and learning are the two things I have really worked hard on on that are connected (I plan on going to law school for sports law to try and get in with the NFL, worth mentioning?). I guess I have been lucky in life not to have tons of shitty stuff happen to me like it seems everyone else on here has, but it makes writing a ps way easier having that stuff, as bad as it sounds. I appreciate the honesty though, way more helpful than sugar coating.

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StillHerexxx
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Re: PS Volume 2 (aka new)

Postby StillHerexxx » Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:12 am

Quick question. Does anyone think that it might make it more interesting if I expound a little more. I have a few other "episodes" as I will call them that might be useful. While I was never arrested or had any charges, bookings, anything, I did get snitched on with some of my boys for tagging, destruction of property (from making road blocks), and then was part of a big arrest for illegal weapons, but I wasn't in possession of any so I got off with nothing except my parents picking me up. You could say I got lucky, but I realized my strikes were al gone, and have been good since. Would this add an interesting element to my story of personal growth? I don't know if this is stuff I want to discuss though, most people have petty stuff like alcohol and weed arrests, but it does go along the lines of young and dumb. Any thoughts?




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