Personal Statement for Notre Dame

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ApolloniusCanon
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Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 9:14 pm

Personal Statement for Notre Dame

Postby ApolloniusCanon » Tue Oct 26, 2010 3:30 pm

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Last edited by ApolloniusCanon on Tue Nov 23, 2010 1:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kroger03
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:46 pm

Re: Personal Statement for Notre Dame

Postby kroger03 » Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:17 pm

Thanks for giving me some feedback on my PS.

I thought your's was pretty good, and I especially liked the concluding paragraph. When I read the first paragraph I though it was going to be something about the training process involved in climbing the dunes and stuff like that. I didn't really see how the beginning really tied into the body of the statement until the end. As for the body of the statement, I thought that it was well written, as well as quite moving. You've had very interesting experiences so far that are definitely worthy of being in a personal statement. I know this feedback hasn't been much, but my biggest advice would be to somehow tie your opening paragraph into you body so that it seems connected rather than disjointed.

Hope this helps and good luck!

andedom
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Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 3:59 pm

Re: Personal Statement for Notre Dame

Postby andedom » Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:02 am

I'm sorry, but this sounds almost identical to an essay that is easily found on this forum. I would change it or you might be accused of cheating, at the least borrowing ideas from someone else's PS.

pinkelephant wrote:Note from Ken: The following thread has hundreds of law school personal statement samples in many different styles all contributed by TLS readers. For more personal statement samples and an analysis of those personal statements view Personal Statement Examples. For an entire article on properly writing a law school personal statement view TLS Personal Statement Advice. For more sample essays and writing advice from the best service for personal statement editing view essayedge.com.


LSAT - 174
GPA - 4.0
Accepted: everywhere I applied


I peered over my toes at the water streaming fifty feet down to the muddy pool below me and felt a queer beat in my stomach. For half an hour I had hiked a steep incline up to the cliff in flip-flops. Clinging tenaciously to the footpads, I skipped across small creeks, pulled myself up with the aid of jutting rocks and tree roots, and swung across gaps in the path on branches. But as I stood on the cliff, barefoot now, I forgot my strenuous climb and remembered that every step was taken for one reason - to jump. So I stilled the fear bouncing in my stomach, counted to three, hurled my body into the air, and fell.

I have been climbing uphill in flip-flops all my life. While I am aware that everybody climbs hills and faces obstacles in their lives, I also believe that the success of those battles may well be based on the foundation upon which one walks - how firm and supportive it is. As I look back, I realize that the challenges I have faced have enabled me to find a strong footing within a situation that was not altogether stable.

As a ten year old I grappled with panic attacks and even ulcers, a physical manifestation of the fear, guilt, and anxiety I felt primarily as a result of my father, an alcoholic, manic depressive, and sexually abusive man. Though I do have a few positive childhood memories of our motorcycle rides and camping trips, they are unfortunately surrounded and superseded by the majority of my experiences with him. Before I attended therapy and biofeedback sessions in fifth grade, the best way I knew to cope with my intense and disturbing feelings was to imagine them away. Every night before falling asleep I would fold my body tightly together and construct a world in which my father did not exist. He disappeared in a variety of ways - a chance fire, a freak accident, an unexplainable vanishing. In his place would appear a new gentle and supportive father. With these images I wooed myself to sleep every night, but the following morning I would again awake to the reality of my life. Eventually my coping mechanism became insufficient, and I began seeing a counselor.

Quickly this woman taught me to transform my paralyzing fears into a determined drive for success. With this skill learned, my life and my feelings about it improved immeasurably. My relationship with my father changed dramatically resulting from both a change in his behaviors and a change in my responses. Now, my drive for success is no longer fueled by a need to transform my life into something more positive, but rather a desire to continue its trajectory. I am the first person in my immediate family to attend and graduate from college, which I was able to do with the assistance of various academic scholarships. Due to my 64 hour/week job working with developmentally disabled individuals, I have been financially independent from my mother since my first step onto campus. In addition I have been able to financially assist my younger sister who now attends college. Most importantly, I have developed into a woman I am proud of -thoughtful, determined, compassionate, and forgiving, even of my father. I know now that though he has left an indelibly negative imprint on my life, he has also prompted a positive one.

After so many struggles, I'm now emotionally and mentally ready for new hills to climb and new pools to jump into, one of which I hope will be law school. I believe that with my now developed determination I will be able to successfully complete law school and with my heightened sense of compassion I will be able to assist those who, like me, perhaps began life with a shoddy foundation. As for me, my footwear is finally more supportive and sturdy. I've transformed my flip-flops into hiking boots.

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StillHerexxx
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Re: Personal Statement for Notre Dame

Postby StillHerexxx » Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:14 am

I would change "I stand at the summit of my educational trail". It sounds like you are saying you are done with learning and are instantly going to be a lawyer. The writing and ideas seem almost disjointed--I think you are trying to write about way too many different things. I know you try to connect them as being symbiotic, but it seems weak and almost like a resume.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Personal Statement for Notre Dame

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:31 am

CONSIDER: Deleting the entire first paragraph & the first sentence of the second paragraph. The concluding paragraph needs substantial revision.

Overall your personal statement conveys an image of an old, tired man beaten down by the hardships of life; this is not an appropriate tone for one of your age about to embark on an intellectually challenging journey that will lead to a lifetime profession. Try to communicate energy, excitement & optimism in your personal statement. You are too young & inexperienced to be portraying yourself as a philosopher of life.

ApolloniusCanon
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Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 9:14 pm

Re: Personal Statement for Notre Dame

Postby ApolloniusCanon » Wed Oct 27, 2010 8:35 am

That for the imput all. I will edit the first paragraph, alter the ending and livin' up the tone! Keep the thoughts comin!

ApolloniusCanon
Posts: 14
Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 9:14 pm

Re: Personal Statement for Notre Dame

Postby ApolloniusCanon » Wed Oct 27, 2010 8:36 am

p.s. I read that other P.S. They are awkwardly similar... sigh. Should I change the entire thing?

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jaudette
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Re: Personal Statement for Notre Dame

Postby jaudette » Wed Oct 27, 2010 8:46 am

good, just make sure if you want ND then you also submit the "Why ND?" essay. It REALLY matters.

andedom
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Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 3:59 pm

Re: Personal Statement for Notre Dame

Postby andedom » Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:12 am

ApolloniusCanon wrote:p.s. I read that other P.S. They are awkwardly similar... sigh. Should I change the entire thing?


Yeah, I would come up with something else. Try to make it as original as possible.

ryno8cubs5
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Joined: Wed Oct 27, 2010 1:24 am

Re: Personal Statement for Notre Dame

Postby ryno8cubs5 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 4:07 pm

The similarities between your essays are there, but with some revisions they can be overcome. Just change the structure and wording a bit and you should be fine. Maybe try and find another anology, there are many that could fit your PS. It is very sound, I am sure you will have a very solid one. Your experiences tie well together with your PS as a whole, so anything you decide to change will still be strong by the body of your essay. Post any revisions and I will give you some outside critiques if you would like.

Also, take a look at my PS if you get a chance. Any help is appreciated. I need it.
viewtopic.php?f=18&t=134473

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lawandi
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Re: Personal Statement for Notre Dame

Postby lawandi » Thu Oct 28, 2010 6:54 pm

Is notre dame a very conservative school? I just got an applicant guide in the mail, and there was a quote referencing Justice Scalia as an authority. The same justice scalia that has been fighting to the death AGAINST gay marriage. Can anyone enlighten me on this. I'm concerned...

lolol10
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Re: Personal Statement for Notre Dame

Postby lolol10 » Thu Oct 28, 2010 7:10 pm

lawandi wrote:Is notre dame a very conservative school? I just got an applicant guide in the mail, and there was a quote referencing Justice Scalia as an authority. The same justice scalia that has been fighting to the death AGAINST gay marriage. Can anyone enlighten me on this. I'm concerned...


its a catholic university where the catholic identity and mission is very visible and lauded--we have crucifixes in every classroom to give you an idea. most students go to mass every sunday in dorms or at the basilica. also, while a good number of profs are catholic, in name or practicing, plenty arent. having said this, nd does not discriminate against individuals who practice other religions, however. so yes its conservative as far as current terms of conservatism describe the catholic church's political stances.




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