Aquasalad's PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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aquasalad
Posts: 182
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 1:18 am

Aquasalad's PS

Postby aquasalad » Tue Oct 26, 2010 1:34 pm

Just wanted to start a thread to get mine on here, I've reviewed/commented/helped several others, but have only started working on mine today.
I'll post developments as I go, if you have any thoughts they are welcome and greatly appreciated.

This is my rough intro-ish portion, the meat of my discussion/point is yet to come but I wanted to get a feel of your reception of my writing.

It was a topic that I remember coming up from time to time as a youth, in the context of conversation among my father, grandfather, and uncles, conducted usually in the familial backdrop of Thanksgiving and Christmas afternoons. Nearly a decade would pass before I would come to understand the issue at hand, yet the nomenclature and my related curiosity stuck with me from an early age. Maturing toward college, it became clear that my relatives’ unabating mentions of deregulation concerned the Motor Carrier Act of 1980, a federal legislative act that not only served as a sense of nostalgia to them as attorneys and a point of reference and distinction between two eras in which they had raised their families; but also as a fitting metaphor illustrating my personal development following high school.

Scholastically it became clear that the beneficial implications following deregulation centered on the power of the free market, where reduced oversight and control yielded more flexible arrangements kept in check by competition. Metaphysically, this is an almost verbatim account of the forces I encountered in college; the very conditions that have enabled my personality to flourish and be reflected by my performance both within and beyond academia, empowering me to become the diverse individual I am today.

tourdeforcex
Posts: 428
Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2010 2:19 pm

Re: Aquasalad's PS

Postby tourdeforcex » Tue Oct 26, 2010 5:01 pm

need more to offer thoughts.

it can be good.

first paragraph is not exciting. purely exposition. i'm not sure if admissions committees will be very excited about the Motor Carrier Act of 1980, i am not.

a general piece of advice w/ people w/ slow starts: do this: read completed 20 personal statements on TLS.

then read yours. if you want to stop reading after 2 sentences, stop, and write a better intro. because if you feel that way after 20. imagine AdCom reading 100. then reading yours.

AUC2MIC
Posts: 20
Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2010 5:03 pm

Re: Aquasalad's PS

Postby AUC2MIC » Tue Oct 26, 2010 5:07 pm

Last sentence should have a colon, not semi-colon... or perhaps an em dash

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aquasalad
Posts: 182
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 1:18 am

Re: Aquasalad's PS

Postby aquasalad » Wed Oct 27, 2010 4:25 pm

Appreciate the comments. I've added a little more, the 1st draft will be done after I add a conclusion to this. From a brief read, there are some things I need to insert/remove in order to address the qualities I'm trying to sell, but it feels good to have gotten some stuff out of my head and onto paper.

Also, my sentence structure towards the end is monotonous, that will be getting fixed as well as the repetitive phrases that come out when drafting. If you have any thoughts or concerns or hate, let me know cause they help immensely.

tourdeforcex: I totally agree with you about reading 100 others then looking at mine, I just haven't gone back and kicked the intro up a notch yet.
Thanks



It was a topic that I remember coming up from time to time as a youth, in the context of conversation among my father, grandfather, and uncles, conducted usually in the familial backdrop of Thanksgiving and Christmas afternoons. Nearly a decade would pass before I would come to understand the issue at hand, yet the nomenclature and my related curiosity stuck with me from an early age. Maturing toward college, it became clear that my relatives’ unabating mentions of deregulation concerned the Motor Carrier Act of 1980, a federal legislative act that not only served as a sense of nostalgia to them as attorneys and a point of reference and distinction between two eras in which they had raised their families, but also as a fitting metaphor illustrating my personal development throughout college.

Scholastically I understood that the beneficial implications following deregulation centered on the power of the free market, where reduced oversight and control yielded more flexible arrangements kept in check by competition. Metaphysically, this is an almost verbatim account of the forces I encountered in college; the very conditions that have enabled my personality to emerge and be reflected by my performance both within and beyond academia, empowering me to become the diverse individual I am today. Just as there was a marked separation between periods before and after deregulation, my life ultimately changed for the better upon arrival at XXX in the fall of 2005. Prior to that first semester, my heavily structured life of school, competitive baseball, drumline, Church, and Boy Scouts left limited room and energy for me to pursue my passions and interests further, resulting in the possession of many talents and skills that had yet to be freely explored and applied unobstructively. As I had anticipated, the collegial free market that I soon found myself in, with its open borders of time and creativity, proved to be fertile ground for both my liberal arts education and my networking and aspirations within music. Free to flourish naturally, I was faced with the opportunity and responsibility to truly be myself, and was ecstatic at the results as they pertained to my development as an individual. Initially focusing solely on my studies, I was fortunate to encounter a fellow musician with whom I would go on to create a college band whose growth would surpass even our greatest expectations.
Broadening my school-first approach to one that entailed musical expression, I soon found that the more I did in addition to my studies, the more I began to mature not only as an intellectual student of my university, but also as a unique individual among my peers. Entertaining notions of eventually playing shows near campus, it was clear that someone was needed to facilitate leadership and camaraderie within the band, a task that was congruent with my outgoing personality as a drummer. Having been in the jazz band for seven years in secondary school, I was familiar with the orchestration of rehearsal in preparation of public performance, quickly arriving at a tight country rock band based on the jazz standard of non-verbal communication and progression. Balancing morning classes, fervent afternoon library sessions, and evening rehearsals, we began to schedule shows. Inevitably, that first Friday show was preceded by a week of midterms, rendering an atmosphere composed of nerves and tension for us to navigate. As word traveled that we would be debuting across the street from campus, we began to feel as if we might have gotten in over our heads, knowing that our imminent materialization following three months of covert preparation had not gone unanticipated amongst our peers. Secretly preferring a slow night with which we could hone our craft, we arrived to find a thirty-foot line waiting to get into an already ample sized venue. Swallowing the nerves as we exchanged phrases of giddy disbelief, we eyed the stage onto which we had loaded our gear hours earlier.

MORE TO COME




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