On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
User avatar
dpk711
Posts: 1242
Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 5:24 pm

On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????

Postby dpk711 » Tue Oct 26, 2010 1:14 pm

removed by author
Last edited by dpk711 on Mon Nov 08, 2010 2:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
crysmissmichelle
Posts: 399
Joined: Thu Oct 08, 2009 8:39 am

Re: On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????

Postby crysmissmichelle » Tue Oct 26, 2010 2:56 pm

I think you have a good idea going, but it just feels so formal, mechanical even. It feels distanced and like you are talking about a complete stranger instead of something you were around to witness or that you knew.

User avatar
txadv11
Posts: 922
Joined: Fri Aug 27, 2010 3:06 pm

Re: On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????

Postby txadv11 » Tue Oct 26, 2010 3:26 pm

I enjoyed this one. My only negative critique would be to incorporate you interest of being a lawyer and tie it back into the situations you described a little bit more.
On a 1-10, 1 being trash, 10 being a beautiful tear-jerker, I'd give you an 8. I'd say your almost done with this one.
Also


dpk711 wrote: transnationalized as the United Nations and non-governmental organizations (NGOs) have mobilized campaigns on behalf of the oppressed. For the first time in human history, the politics of human rights is not confined to the domestic affairs of individual countries but also influenced by international norms and the global community. I believe, therefore, as global citizens, it is our duty to promote justice in this world.


Why does that seem like an LSAT topic I have recently seen.... lol

User avatar
Cupidity
Posts: 2214
Joined: Sun Jun 07, 2009 10:21 pm

Re: On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????

Postby Cupidity » Tue Oct 26, 2010 3:31 pm

You get a zero out of ten from your first sentence.

Too graphic, stopped reading.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Oct 26, 2010 4:16 pm

I agree with crymissmichele's comments. Great idea presented awkwardly. Not sure whether or not you are sure about your theme. For example, although you proclaim otherwise, it reads as if Mr. Lee got what he deserved.
On a scale of one to ten, with one being awful & ten being extraordinary, this essay merits a six because of the interesting topic & the great opening sentence.

amg131s
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Sep 06, 2010 8:31 pm

Re: On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????

Postby amg131s » Tue Oct 26, 2010 4:20 pm

Cupidity wrote:You get a zero out of ten from your first sentence.

Too graphic, stopped reading.


I was going to say the exact same thing. Way too brutal in the first sentence. You aren't writing a Chuck Palahniuk novel.

User avatar
dpk711
Posts: 1242
Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 5:24 pm

Re: On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????

Postby dpk711 » Tue Oct 26, 2010 4:22 pm

amg131s wrote:
Cupidity wrote:You get a zero out of ten from your first sentence.

Too graphic, stopped reading.


I was going to say the exact same thing. Way too brutal in the first sentence. You aren't writing a Chuck Palahniuk novel.


yeah, i understand, I wanted the first sentences to stand out... do you think it's worth the risk?

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Oct 26, 2010 4:23 pm

The introductory sentence should be effective at grabbing the reader's attention--especially if it is the 86th essay read that day. Although some may find it a bit harsh, I thought it was great but I am not certain if it is a complete sentence or just a sentence fragment (however, I didn't care because it was so interesting).
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Tue Oct 26, 2010 4:26 pm, edited 2 times in total.

op-ti
Posts: 128
Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2009 1:36 pm

Re: On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????

Postby op-ti » Tue Oct 26, 2010 4:24 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:The introductory sentence should be effective at grabbing the reader's attention--especially if it is the 86th essay read that day. Although some may find it a bit harsh, I thought it was great.


I agree. I wanted to read on to find out what was going on.

User avatar
dpk711
Posts: 1242
Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 5:24 pm

Re: On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????

Postby dpk711 » Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:16 pm

anyone else?

mala2
Posts: 225
Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:39 am

Re: On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????

Postby mala2 » Thu Oct 28, 2010 3:51 pm

I think it's good, I would revise it for clarity, but the topic is interesting




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.