Diversity Statement. Please Critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
MBC1989
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:28 pm

Diversity Statement. Please Critique

Postby MBC1989 » Tue Oct 26, 2010 12:21 pm

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Last edited by MBC1989 on Tue Nov 02, 2010 12:05 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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trialjunky
Posts: 928
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2010 6:41 am

Re: Diversity Statement. Please Critique

Postby trialjunky » Tue Oct 26, 2010 1:25 pm

I can only do a quick look over critique because I have class soon.
MBC1989 wrote:Here's my second draft. Be as brutal and honest as desired. Also, please do not quote large sections of this. I plan on taking it down after awhile. Thanks.

Stronger introduction: This introductory paragraph does NOT make me want to continue reading, it's just a bunch of facts strung along about not very interesting material.

However, I was only getting to experience a small segment of the culture because our relatives belong to the modicum of people which make up the upper class. Never talk about your class unless you're in the extreme bottom of the socioeconomic ladder While spending time in Mexico City, I was able to see the widespread destitute population spread about the mountains in cement housing, but this never had an effect on me because I was not experiencing it firsthand. <--Makes you seem completely unempathetic douche

His life story, dedication to his family, and hard work were all venerable characteristics that much of the American population does not embodyDissing Americans to a panel of admins who you dont know is never a good idea, one of them may be super patriotic

My experiences with my relatives and my father’s company have made me not only appreciate my Mexican heritage but also the human race as a whole <-- generic pageant statement


I'd probably think of a new basis for my DS if I were you. The rich upperclass Mexican-american working with the poor ignorant Mexican immigrants and somehow growing to be semi-compassionate to their plight does not place you in a light most favorable
Last edited by trialjunky on Tue Oct 26, 2010 1:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MBC1989
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:28 pm

Re: Diversity Statement. Please Critique

Postby MBC1989 » Tue Oct 26, 2010 1:33 pm

Hey, I really appreciate your comments, but could you delete your post? I asked for large sections not to be quoted.

Thanks for your help, though, I obviously have a lot of work to do.

Does anyone else have any thoughts? Is this really that horrible of a DS?

MBC1989
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:28 pm

Re: Diversity Statement. Please Critique

Postby MBC1989 » Tue Oct 26, 2010 3:52 pm

Anyone?

MBC1989
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:28 pm

Re: Diversity Statement. Please Critique

Postby MBC1989 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 9:37 am

No one?

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JenDarby
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Re: Diversity Statement. Please Critique

Postby JenDarby » Thu Oct 28, 2010 7:13 am

This read's somewhat like Aldolfo's DS.

I don't think this topic is great as a diversity statement. I think a large majority of applicants have vast experience working with low income and underprivileged communities, and too many personal statement's focus on that same concept, in greater detail, for it to really be your main point of diversity.

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acfair
Posts: 33
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2010 4:01 pm

Re: Diversity Statement. Please Critique

Postby acfair » Thu Oct 28, 2010 8:22 am

I don't feel like the really asks for what most law schools are asking for in the diversity statement. I would address more concrete ways you are involved in your culture, or just not even write a diversity statement. Because for most of your DS here, it sounds like it could have been the experience of a white person that went on a trip to Mexico, or who had a rich dad that employed a lot of Mexicans. Which doesn't really highlight your diversity.

Here's mine if you would like to critique it.

viewtopic.php?f=18&t=134576




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