wow Diversity Statement is way harder than i thought :( HELP

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anthony1104
Posts: 16
Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:23 am

wow Diversity Statement is way harder than i thought :( HELP

Postby anthony1104 » Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:49 pm

Dribble. Dribble. I glanced at the scoreboard. Fifteen seconds. I waited patiently. Dribble. Now eight seconds. It was time to make a move. I dribbled impetuously to my favorite spot on the court and pulled for the shot. This was the chance to prove myself: my moment to show the naysayers that even though no one was pulling for my success, I, an Asian American, can rise to the challenge. This was the game winning shot: clunk, back to reality. If the ball had pierced the net, I would have been celebrated for my confident jump-shot, but it did not, and I was criticized for being different from the rest of the team, for being as an Asian American.

Indeed, I am different. I was born in Seoul, Korea. I love Hollywood movies and Korean dramas. I am the youngest one in my family, but the first one to touch a basketball, and the first one to apply to law school. No one ever mentioned it openly, but I knew at a young age that playing basketball was going to be an uphill battle as an Asian American. Within the Los Angeles District, I was one of the very few Asian American high school basketball players amongst abundant African-American players. Whenever I stepped out of the locker room at an away game, people were amazed to see me in a uniform.

But within the team, my difference was well appreciated. My teammates were eager to listen to my music and eager to learn about my culture, and when the game started, they treated me as a teammate. From my perspective, they were also different, but I enjoyed it because it gave me an opportunity to interact with a community that was dissimilar than the one I was accustomed to at home. I was criticized harshly for my mistakes on the basketball court, but my teammates support kept me in the game and I emerged more resilient and determined to succeed. My experience as a basketball player has been tough, but it also gave me a noteworthy perspective on diversity. I learned that diversity is not about being different, but appreciating the differences, and having the urge and the capability to learn from those differences.

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DearCan
Posts: 302
Joined: Thu Sep 16, 2010 6:13 am

Re: wow Diversity Statement is way harder than i thought :( HELP

Postby DearCan » Tue Oct 26, 2010 11:32 pm

anthony1104 wrote:Dribble. Dribble. I glanced at the scoreboard. Fifteen seconds. I waited patiently. Dribble. Now eight seconds. It was time to make a move. I dribbled impetuously to my favorite spot on the court and pulled for the shot. This was the chance to prove myself:semicolon my moment to show the naysayers that even though no one was pulling for my success, I, an Asian American, can could rise to the challenge. This was the game winning shot: clunk, back to reality. If the ball had pierced the net, I would have been celebrated for my confident jump-shot, but it did not, and I was criticized for being different from the rest of the team, for being as an Asian American.

Indeed, I am different. I was born in Seoul, Korea. I love Hollywood movies and Korean dramas. I am the youngest one in my family, but the first one to touch a basketball, and the first one to apply to law school. No one ever mentioned it openly, but I knew at a young age that playing basketball was going to be an uphill battle as an Asian American. Within the Los Angeles District, I was one of the very few Asian American high school basketball players amongst abundant African-American players. Whenever I stepped out of the locker room at an away game, people were amazed to see me in a uniform.

But within the team, my difference was well appreciated. My teammates were eager to listen to my music, and eager to learn about my culture, and. When the game started, they treated me as a teammate. From my perspective, they were also different, but I enjoyed it because it gave me an opportunity to interact with a community that was dissimilar than the one I was accustomed to at home. I was criticized harshly for my mistakes on the basketball court, but my teammates' support kept me in the game, and I emerged more resilient and determined to succeed. My experience as a basketball player has been tough, but it also gave me a noteworthy perspective on diversity. I learned that diversity is not about being different, but appreciating the differences, and having the urge and the capability to learn from those differences.


I like this a lot. The subject matter is interesting, I never once lost focus while reading it. The language is clear, and you don't have any really long run-on sentences. There was one that I broke down into two sentences, and I think it reads better that way. Good luck!

anthony1104
Posts: 16
Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:23 am

Re: wow Diversity Statement is way harder than i thought :( HELP

Postby anthony1104 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 2:39 am

thank you so much :)

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DearCan
Posts: 302
Joined: Thu Sep 16, 2010 6:13 am

Re: wow Diversity Statement is way harder than i thought :( HELP

Postby DearCan » Wed Oct 27, 2010 2:49 am

anthony1104 wrote:thank you so much :)


No problem! :D

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CGI Fridays
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Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2010 5:46 pm

Re: wow Diversity Statement is way harder than i thought :( HELP

Postby CGI Fridays » Wed Oct 27, 2010 3:35 am

Noooooooooooooooo!!! Dear Can, you're cop-in' my style!
I'm taking the red... waaaait, how'd you make it red?

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DearCan
Posts: 302
Joined: Thu Sep 16, 2010 6:13 am

Re: wow Diversity Statement is way harder than i thought :( HELP

Postby DearCan » Wed Oct 27, 2010 3:46 am

CGI Fridays wrote:Noooooooooooooooo!!! Dear Can, you're cop-in' my style!
I'm taking the red... waaaait, how'd you make it red?


Haha, I've been doing the red since before I met you! In PM edits, that is. There's colors on the right, silly.

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CGI Fridays
Posts: 897
Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2010 5:46 pm

Re: wow Diversity Statement is way harder than i thought :( HELP

Postby CGI Fridays » Wed Oct 27, 2010 3:51 am

Damn. I thought I was speshul... oh well, I have colors now!

A whole neeeew wooooooooooorld

(sorry OP)

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DearCan
Posts: 302
Joined: Thu Sep 16, 2010 6:13 am

Re: wow Diversity Statement is way harder than i thought :( HELP

Postby DearCan » Wed Oct 27, 2010 3:52 am

CGI Fridays wrote:Damn. I thought I was speshul... oh well, I have colors now!

A whole neeeew wooooooooooorld

(sorry OP)


Yeah, rock that shit.

FuturePrez
Posts: 41
Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2010 4:31 pm

Re: wow Diversity Statement is way harder than i thought :( HELP

Postby FuturePrez » Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:46 am

In the last paragraph use some other words besides varying forms of different/differences...otherwise an interesting read.




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