Interesting criminal PS! Please read and critique

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190
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Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 8:00 am

Interesting criminal PS! Please read and critique

Postby 190 » Mon Oct 25, 2010 7:23 pm

Please see post #4 for an updated version to critique. Thanks!
Last edited by 190 on Mon Oct 25, 2010 11:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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nataliejane38
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Re: Interesting criminal PS! Please read and critique

Postby nataliejane38 » Mon Oct 25, 2010 9:08 pm

Okay, a few things...
The opening paragraph is not very strong, it has the potential to be much more dramatic, descriptive and something that will hook the reader into the rest of your essay.
If the only thing that appears on your criminal record is the misdemeanor, I would not mention the felony charges you faced. That just makes it seem so much worse and you do not come across very remorseful about the whole situation.
You come across a little arrogant, you should cut out the line about minimum wage. I understand what you are trying to explain with this essay but I don't think you are doing it very effectively. It's also a little scattered, it jumps around quite a bit.

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txadv11
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Re: Interesting criminal PS! Please read and critique

Postby txadv11 » Mon Oct 25, 2010 9:14 pm

nataliejane38 wrote:Okay, a few things...

If the only thing that appears on your criminal record is the misdemeanor, I would not mention the felony charges you faced.
You come across a little arrogant, you should cut out the line about minimum wage. I understand what you are trying to explain with this essay but I don't think you are doing it very effectively. It's also a little scattered, it jumps around quite a bit.


Agree with this

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annie2010
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Re: Interesting criminal PS! Please read and critique

Postby annie2010 » Mon Oct 25, 2010 9:24 pm

I would probably take this part out: "than just picking up pinecones or raking leaves at a local park." because it sounds a little arrogant.
And I also wouldn't put in the part about losing the election because it draws attention away from what you did as a senator.

It is a bit scattered so I would go through it and write one sentence about the purpose of each paragraph and then read it to yourself and make sure it logically flows.

190
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Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 8:00 am

Re: Interesting criminal PS! Please read and critique

Postby 190 » Mon Oct 25, 2010 11:37 pm

Here's an updated version, thanks for the input, hopefully this is a little better.

As I sat handcuffed to a kitchen chair, watching the police ransack my apartment, searching for evidence that would lead to several charges related to marijuana, my childish illusion of invincibility crumbled at my feet. I spent the next ten hours in a state of limbo, trapped in the cold, sterile holding room of the New Hanover County Detention Center, all the while staring at the row of pay phones leading to the enormous iron gate separating me from the depths of hell. As I sat, hunched over in the hard plastic chair, I could never have imagined that I would later come to recall this experience as “the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
After my bail was posted and I was released from jail, my attorney informed me that in order to have the slightest chance at a plea bargain allowing me, a British citizen, to remain in the country I would have to convince the District Attorney’s Office that I was capable of becoming more than a drug dealer. The daunting threat of deportation motivated me to adopt a new lifestyle, at first just for the sake of appearances, but eventually my apathetic attitude changed and I focused on bettering myself for my own benefit.
The following Monday I began to build my new life, attending my first full day of classes since coming to the university more than a year earlier. There was no magical Disney moment accompanied by orchestra music and fireworks, but steadily the topics discussed in class piqued my interest. I soon abandoned my place in the last row, strategically positioned as not to draw unwanted attention from the professor, for a seat up front, hoping for an opportunity to participate in the lesson.
Encouraged by my accomplishments in the classroom I threw myself, wholeheartedly, into campus involvement. I set my sights high and chose to run for Student Body President. Although I was crushed after my loss by a mere 2% margin in a race with a voter turnout of 170% of that of previous elections, it taught me a lesson in humility and I decided to continue to serve the student body as a senator on Student Government. I discovered through my leadership positions in various organizations and committees that one person has the ability to positively influence the experiences of their peers.
Inspired by my unanticipated enjoyment of academics and leadership roles, I sought to further expand my personal efficacy through community service. Although my community service was eventually mandated by the judge at sentencing, I had already begun to participate in an organization that bettered the lives of those less fortunate. When I first started tutoring adults through the Cape Fear Literacy Center I thought, arrogantly, that they were lucky to have my help, yet after several study sessions with one man in particular I realized I could not have been more mistaken. Morris grew up in a large, extremely impoverished family and currently works twelve hour shifts seven days a week. Written off as dumb his entire life, no one had ever considered that he needed glasses. Now, armed with corrective lenses, he took only three weeks to learn a year’s worth of algebra. Morris taught me to never discount someone because of their stature in life and to appreciate the opportunities I had previously taken for granted.
Today, as I prepare for my final semester of undergrad, I contemplate the years prior to my arrest that I carelessly wasted, coasting aimlessly through life, content with achieving the minimum needed to get by. As convoluted as it may seem, I am thankful for the legal intervention that forced me to turn my life around. Though the misdemeanor I was eventually convicted of may tarnish my record, it has allowed me to understand the true value of education and the importance of taking full advantage of the opportunities life has to offer; a lesson that will stay with me long after my criminal record is forgotten.




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