First draft PS. I think it is weak, advice?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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First draft PS. I think it is weak, advice?

Postby Pastels » Mon Oct 25, 2010 10:22 am

As I awoke and prepared for class on that lovely spring day during my freshmanyear, I had no idea that I was about to become an eyewitness to one of America's saddest days. April 16, 2007, will always be etched in my mind as a day on which I lost 32 classmates and friends. As I walked to class, I will never forget the sight of police cars speeding towards Norris Hall, as well as the heartache and anguish on the faces of my peers as we all learned about the horrific events on our campus. It seemed like everything was in slow motion as I watched my classmates being carried out of the building. I was jolted back to reality when my cell phone started ringing with calls from loved ones wondering if I was okay. Little did I know how this experience would cause me to forever re-evaluate the way I look at life. Since that spring day I have never again taken one second of my time here for
granted. From that moment forward, I longed to find additional meaning in my personal and
professional life. It marked the end of my childhood and the beginning of my adult
perspective. This was not the end of my journey, however, as I was still looking for such meaning in my studies. I returned to campus after a tumultuous summer and entered my sophomore year with much trepidation. My original plan of a business career had lost its luster. I had no long term vision and seriously considered transferring to another school to gain a fresh start. It is hard to believe that this was only two short years ago. I today write this statement after rising from the ashes of self doubt. This process began in the spring of 2008 when I joined a social fraternity and decided to focus my academic talents
on a double major, economics and marketing. By the end of the spring semester, Igreatly
improved my academic standing and returned home with the beginnings of a vision.
I spent the summer working as a government intern while taking a strenuous on-line academic load. I returned to campus in the fall of 2008 with an appreciation of the intricate
relationship between government and business, which further whetted my appetite for my chosen majors. By this past spring, I began to outline a career plan which included the study of economics and law, with a political twist awakened by summer internship.
My summer spent as a Congressional intern in 2009 further fueled my ambition to
pursue the type of career that only a well grounded legal education can provide. I was
constantly challenged by the technical side of legislation and bill drafting, yet I
continued to focus on public policy, particularly the economics of health care delivery. By the end of the program, I decided that the technical and analytical skill gained from the hard work of law school was my ideal educational path. I returned to school this past fall with a burning passion to challenge myself by seeking the best legal education possible.
I often reflect back to my high school graduation less than four short years
ago. Little did I realize what lay ahead on that horrible spring day in 2007. I will never
completely recover from that experience, but I have tried to use it as a way to better appreciate the value of a life well lived and a career that can be both rewarding and useful to society. Law school isthe best way for me to continue on this very challenging and rewarding journey.
Last edited by Pastels on Mon Oct 25, 2010 11:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Personal Statement, interesting topic. Please critiquE

Postby abarrios » Mon Oct 25, 2010 11:24 am

You probably won't get many responses without formatting this into visible paragraphs. Also, you might want to mention what the incident was. Maybe I am way out of the loop, but I had to google the date it in order to recall what you are talking about.
Last edited by abarrios on Mon Oct 25, 2010 11:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: First draft PS. I think it is weak, advice?

Postby Pastels » Mon Oct 25, 2010 11:29 am

I am trying to format with the iPhone as I am
not at a laptop. Should be fixed.

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Re: First draft PS. I think it is weak, advice?

Postby crysmissmichelle » Mon Oct 25, 2010 3:31 pm

You are basically just listing things that should be on your resume. Can you tie in the story more? You may need to scrap the story completely, right now it just serves to tell you were at Tech that day. . .doesn't really add much to the overall presentation. . .

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Re: First draft PS. I think it is weak, advice?

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Oct 25, 2010 3:37 pm

Virginia Tech shootings occurred on this day. Too busy trying to figure out what happened on April 16, 2007 to pay attention to the essay.

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