first draft, please advise

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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fish tacos
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Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 12:47 am

first draft, please advise

Postby fish tacos » Mon Oct 25, 2010 12:56 am

thanks
Last edited by fish tacos on Tue Nov 02, 2010 9:21 am, edited 3 times in total.

ChicagoRambler89
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Re: first draft, please advise

Postby ChicagoRambler89 » Mon Oct 25, 2010 1:12 am

Fish Tacos,

You're a strong writer and your message is clear. But I don't know if it's oriented towards law school as much as it should be. Others may disagree, but I don't think you demonstrate why you want to go to law school. You show that you have overcome adversity and accomplished an important personal goal. But how does this translate into wanting to go to law school/to be a lawyer?

Technically speaking, I would start a new paragraph at "All was going according to plan..."

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Shooter
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Re: first draft, please advise

Postby Shooter » Mon Oct 25, 2010 1:21 am

Well, you know what they say. "When life gives you lemons, shove 'em up a bear's ass."

Eh, that probably wasn't helpful at all. Sry.

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fish tacos
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Re: first draft, please advise

Postby fish tacos » Mon Oct 25, 2010 7:22 pm

Thanks for taking the time to help. To ChicagoRambler, how would you recommend making it more oriented toward law school? Should I actively mention it earlier in the essay or just flesh out the last paragraph a bit more?

Any other takers? Thanks again for all the help, TLS.

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fish tacos
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Re: first draft, please advise

Postby fish tacos » Mon Nov 01, 2010 5:51 pm

Anyone else?

tortuga28
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Re: first draft, please advise

Postby tortuga28 » Mon Nov 01, 2010 10:52 pm

It is well-written but to be honest I think the topic and main substance are rather cliche. It sounds like a Miley Cyrus song. It also has a number of pretty cliche phrases. For example "conquering nature" is incredibly cliche and espouses an Ayn Rand like philosophy. I also don't think you should mention high school--it makes you sound young and leaves me wondering if you have done anything worthwhile since then. One last thing is that you should never say anything like "I had never worked for anything in my life."




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