PS first draft, please critique Forum

[thegrayman]

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[thegrayman]

*bump* anyone have any input on this?

[annie2010]

You definitely write clearly and you have a good start. But I think you need a lot more reflection on the deeper meaning of this story. What did this moment teach you and what does it show about you? Why do you want to go to law school? Although you don't always have to answer this question explicitly, I have no idea why you want to go to law school or really why you are a good candidate.
The third paragraph seems a little pointless. The balloon and candy bar comments downplay your achievement.

[thegrayman]

You definitely write clearly and you have a good start. But I think you need a lot more reflection on the deeper meaning of this story. What did this moment teach you and what does it show about you? Why do you want to go to law school? Although you don't always have to answer this question explicitly, I have no idea why you want to go to law school or really why you are a good candidate.
The third paragraph seems a little pointless. The balloon and candy bar comments downplay your achievement.

Thanks for the feedback, I'll change up some things about it. It seems like a lot of personal statements never really get into why the person wants to go to law school, so that was why I didn't really bother. I'll try and think of a way to get it in there.