Addendum Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
twooclockjazz
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 1:35 am

Addendum Draft

Postby twooclockjazz » Sun Oct 24, 2010 5:55 pm

My first semester of graduate school at XXX, I attempted to supplement my work as a full-time student by working on a campaign, as a research assistant, and as a teaching assistant. Based on my academic performance as an undergraduate at XXX, I thought I could pull this off. I could not. My grades floundered, and as a result, I was put on academic probation. The next semester I focused strenuously on my studies, and I was able to recover academically. While I continued working at a consulting film, I ensured that the work did not adversely affect my studies.

Is there anything I need to change?

ChicagoRambler89
Posts: 32
Joined: Thu Jun 24, 2010 5:16 pm

Re: Addendum Draft

Postby ChicagoRambler89 » Sun Oct 24, 2010 11:49 pm

twooclockjazz wrote:My first semester of graduate school at XXX, I attempted to supplement my work as a full-time student by working on a campaign, as a research assistant, and as a teaching assistant. Based on my academic performance as an undergraduate at XXX, I thought I could pull this off. I could not. My grades floundered, and as a result, I was put on academic probation. The next semester I focused strenuously on my studies, and I was able to recover academically. While I continued working at a consulting film, I ensured that the work did not adversely affect my studies.

Is there anything I need to change?


I would reword much of this. You use unnecessary adjectives, and your syntax is a little awkward. The following semester, did you stop your campaign duties? You "focused strenuously" on your studies, but you also worked at a "consulting firm"? I don't know that I would include the bit about the consulting firm, but others may disagree.

Also, get right to the point in your first sentence:

I was placed on academic probation in XXX at YYY graduate school. My first semester as a full-time grad-student at YYY, I worked on a campaign as a research assistant and as a teaching assistant. Based on my academic performance as an undergraduate at XXX, I thought I could hold a job and be a full-time student. My grades floundered, and as a result, I was put on academic probation. The next semester, I focused on my studies and elevated my GPA, pulling it above the minimum requirement. Since then, I have XXX and remained in good standing with YYY.

twooclockjazz
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 1:35 am

Re: Addendum Draft

Postby twooclockjazz » Mon Oct 25, 2010 10:32 pm

Thanks for the reply, I really appreciate the response. I'll get started rewriting it now.




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