I'm almost done... PLEASE CRITIQUE!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
hawaii
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:15 pm

I'm almost done... PLEASE CRITIQUE!

Postby hawaii » Sun Oct 24, 2010 2:56 pm

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Last edited by hawaii on Tue Nov 23, 2010 12:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

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NorCalBruin
Posts: 591
Joined: Sun Sep 19, 2010 7:58 pm

Re: I'm almost done... PLEASE CRITIQUE!

Postby NorCalBruin » Sun Oct 24, 2010 3:32 pm

I enjoyed reading this essay. It was refreshingly good.

A few very minor suggestions:

This sentence is awkward: "That’s how my mother became a single mother of two girls"
Better would be: "That's how my mother became the single parent of two girls."

"She had just $63 in her pocket."
Some people thinks it's more correct or proper to write "She had just sixty-three dollars in her pocket."

"the best way she could" should be "the best way that she could." It's a very minor addition, but some people (like me) really like the assumed "that" actually written and they might fault you if don't put it.

"what she experienced." should be "what she had experienced."

"had parents who were there is help them " should be "there to help them".

"I realized that I was the lucky one. " should be "I realize that I was..." present tense.

"By the end of the year however," very minor, but most people prefer "By the end of the year, however," with the other comma.

"not only did I advance to the normal class, I was even given an award for reading the most number of books in my first grade class." The use of class as the end is repetitive. Maybe just "the most number of books in the first grade."

"that utilized my lisp to enhance" you say the word lisp too much. Consider the word "impediment" or "disability" or something.

"My particular office has had paralegals before," should be "office had had paralegals before." If thats awkward to you, maybe "office had employed paralegals before."

"for was to make copies and proof documents" better would be "for making copies and proofing documents".

"Regardless, I stuck with it did every assignment with a smile and always did my best to complete my assignments ahead of schedule. " You use the word assignment too much. Maybe vary with "task" or "job" or "work".

"Before long, I had a docket of litigation cases that resembled that of a first year attorney in the office. " Here, "in the office" in unnecessary, unless you want to specifically refer to particular attorney. Otherwise we can just assume it's in your office and it sounds better as, "that resembled that of a first year attorney."

hawaii
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:15 pm

Re: I'm almost done... PLEASE CRITIQUE!

Postby hawaii » Sun Oct 24, 2010 6:31 pm

Wow... thanks for all the help, I really appreciate it. Anyone else have any comments and/or input?

hawaii
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:15 pm

Re: I'm almost done... PLEASE CRITIQUE!

Postby hawaii » Sun Oct 24, 2010 10:58 pm

Anyone else?? I really want to finish this up this week so I'm looking to get as much feedback as I can.

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Eugenie Danglars
Posts: 2353
Joined: Wed Jul 07, 2010 12:04 pm

Re: I'm almost done... PLEASE CRITIQUE!

Postby Eugenie Danglars » Sun Oct 24, 2010 11:04 pm

This is a good essay. I think we have the same problem, though- too much about other people and not enough "personal" in the personal statement. The opening anecdote is good, but you could cut a bit between that and the kindergarten. Part of the elementary school stuff could be cut also to give you more room to expand on your message at the end :-)

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plenipotentiary
Posts: 616
Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2010 11:13 pm

Re: I'm almost done... PLEASE CRITIQUE!

Postby plenipotentiary » Sun Oct 24, 2010 11:34 pm

Flashbacks are hard to do well in writing. Your opening anecdote is overwrought, confusing, and not enough about you. You should cut it. I would avoid mentioning awards you won in kindergarden.

"With a smile" is a cliche. So is "taking words to heart." So is "standing on your own two feet."




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