Personal Statement and GPA Addendum...ROUGH DRAFT! HELP!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
tdaniellep
Posts: 5
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 11:50 am

Personal Statement and GPA Addendum...ROUGH DRAFT! HELP!

Postby tdaniellep » Sun Oct 24, 2010 12:11 pm

Well I went to talk to an admissions advisor at the law school I want to attend and she told me since my gpa is a 2.7 cum I should write a GPA addendum and have a strong personal statement. The current one I showed her was a good one she just told me to add a little more so I would love some feed back! You can be very blunt and honest thanks guys :wink:

Personal Statement
I will not skip around and give falsified information so I can gain acceptance into your law school. From birth I have been taught that being yourself is the best thing you can ever do. I do not come from a family of scholars nor do I come from a family that is well off financially. I do, however, come from a family with a foundation, a family of pride, a family full of love, and a family of hard workers. My grandparents migrated to south Florida trying to escape the harsh realities of the south and with that, came new beginnings for generations to come. One grandfather taught me to enjoy the simple things in life, cherish your family and love god. The other grandfather taught me to be a role model to those younger and older than you. If you exceed the accomplishments of someone in the family keep going for it is not only you sharing the experience but everyone who was not fortunate to be in your position. Being that a vast majority of people in my family has never made it out of middle/high school, three generations walked across the stage with me to receive my high school diploma. Being that no one has ever attended college, Florida A & M University not only accepted XXXXXX XXXXX, they accepted those who helped me get there and those who will come after me.
For the most part, my mom and dad spent their days and nights working to support our family as best as they could. We still bounced around from home to home and experienced many evictions. I remember the lights being cut off numerous times but because my sibling and I were young, my mom would tell us that the reason the lights were off is because we needed family quiet time. No television, no electronics, just time for us to talk, and enjoy each other’s company. Hey, my siblings and I were satisfied, basically it meant we could all stay outside and play in the yard until after the street lights came on. Some of my most fund childhood memories were those of my mom and dad sitting in the yard telling us stories and talking. Once I reached high school and was old enough to get a job I did at footlocker. When I first started working it was mainly to establish responsibility and independence. My mother and father were going through a nasty divorce that was literally ripping us in half. With me being the middle child I was forced to choose sides, I had no choice but to choose my mom because I knew my dad did not have the means to support me on his own. That decision bought a lot of hard times upon my life because I lost the great relationship I had with my dad. I still cry to this day because I do not have his support. Things became so bad at home until I drowned myself in work and school. I knew if I worked hard enough I could make it out, I could be someone, I could do something great with my life, I could break the cycle, and I did. The fact that my parents divorced and I had nowhere to go but up is not the source of my determination. My source is my nephew. My sister wanted more attention than she could handle and ended up with her mistake, but my blessing. She was 18 when she had him; she never finished school, never attempted to, and never really gave motherhood a fair spin. Starting my junior year of high school, my life became school, work, and my nephew. I knew I could not stop going to school to support him, the best thing I did was continue going because I could offer him more things with an education. I could not stop working because he needed pampers, wipes, clothes, and the co-payments for his doctors visit were ridiculous for a 17 year old with a minimum wage job. He became my child and still is to this day. Having to take on such a serious role matured me past my physical and mental age. Even on some days when things seem overwhelming and I want to stop and breathe, I never do because I have so much responsibility on my shoulders.
I know I will become an attorney one day soon and when I open my own firm it will not be the peak of my accomplishments. The peak of my accomplishments will be when I become a judge for the U.S. Supreme court and I have made someone else’s dream of getting into law school a reality. No I have not been provided opportunities like my other counter parts that will become my peers in law school, no I do not have the highest GPA, nor do I have the highest LSAT score, but I do have heart, determination, and pride. I do not dwell on the things I do not have and use them as an excuse because I know they will not stop me from accomplishing all of my goals and then some. It will be a blessing if your law school would take a chance on me, living past your expectations will be the least thing you have to be proud of me about. I believe in myself no matter what and I will be successful because I do not give up.

GPA ADDENDUM
My GPA dropped the second semester of my freshman year due to financial and family issues. As stated in my personal statement my family is not well off financially so difficulties of not being able to feed myself and pay what little bills I had took a toll on me. Since I was old enough, I’ve always maintained a job but when I moved away from home and could not get a job it took a toll of me. My grades were poor due to attendance. I was missing class because I was trying to sleep as long as I could to avoid hunger pains. My meal plan only allowed a certain amount of meals a week, when I would run out I did not want to beg anyone for anything because I did not want them judging me or my family. I was ashamed to call home and tell family members about my situation because I did not want them to thing I could not make it on my own. I did not want them to feel like the person who would make then proud could not make it being away from home. I embraced the situation, learnt my lesson, and pushed through. Since that semester the quality of my grades did increase each semester. It is very easy to have a bad semester and watch your GPA plummeted, but it is extremely difficult to get others to see the progress you make each year seeing as how hard it is for your GPA to climb back up once it falls. I hope that you not look at my GPA as a who but look at the consistent progression, and look at the large amount of good grades I’ve made in my major classes.

tourdeforcex
Posts: 428
Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2010 2:19 pm

Re: Personal Statement and GPA Addendum...ROUGH DRAFT! HELP!

Postby tourdeforcex » Sun Oct 24, 2010 1:33 pm

i am going to offer a somewhat thorough tactical revision of your PS and possibly GPA addendum. please do not be offended if it seems that i am cutting out a lot.

i believe you have a good story. it just needs to be polished. this is done by cutting out that which does not add so the rest can shine through. please review your comma usage, referring to the lack of. when a sentence begins with an introductory element (such as "when, if, after), use a comma after that introductory element--like in this sentence.

also, your audience is curious as to why you want to be a lawyer. why do you want to be a lawyer? how will you being a lawyer benefit your law school or the world at large?

on the PS:
I will not skip around and give falsified information so I can gain acceptance into your law school.cut this first sentence. it is not necessary to talk about what you will not do. From birth, I have been taught that being yourself is the best thing you can ever do consider cutting out this sentence too. I do not come from a family of scholars nor do I come from a family that is well off financially cut "financially", it is implied and more. I do, however, come from a family with a foundation, a family of pride, a family full of love, and a family of hard workers. My grandparents migrated to south Florida trying to escape cut "trying to escape"; make "escaping" the harsh realities of the south and with that, came new beginnings for generations to come. One grandfather taught me to enjoy the simple things in life, cherish your family, and love god should this be capitalized? "God"?. The other grandfather taught me to be a role model to those younger and older than yourself. If you exceed the accomplishments of someone in the family keep going forreplace "for" with "because" it is not only you sharing the experience but everyone who was not fortunate to be in your position. Being that a vast majority of people in my family has never made it out of middle/high schoolcut "high" middle school makes the point, three generations walked across the stage with me to receive my high school diploma. Being that no one has ever attended college, Florida A & M University not only accepted XXXXXX XXXXX, they accepted those who helped me get there and those who will come after mecut " who will come after me" change to "to come".
For the most part, my mom and dad spent their days and nights working to support our family as best as they could. We still bounced around from home to home and experienced many evictions. I remember the lights being cut off numerous times but because my sibling and I were young, my mom would tell us that the reason the lights were off is because we needed family quiet timecut "but because my sibling and I were young". No television, no electronics, just time for us to talk,cut the "," and enjoy each other’s company. Hey, my siblings and I were satisfied, basically it meant we could all stay outside and play in the yard until after the street lights came oncut "Hey,". Some of my most fund "fun" not "fund" childhood memories were those of my mom and dad sitting in the yard telling us stories and talking. Once I reached high school and was old enough to get a job I did at footlocker Footlocker not footlocker. When I first started working it was mainly to establish responsibility and independencecut "mainly". My mother and father were going through a nasty divorce that was literally ripping us in halfnasty is extraneous, consider removing. With me being the middle child I was forced to choose sidescut "with me", start with "Being the middle child", I had no choice but to choose my mom because I knew my dad did not have the means to support me on his own. That decision bought a lot of hard times upon my life because I lost the great relationship I had with my dad. I still cry to this day because I do not have his support. Things became so bad at home until I drowned myself in work and school. I knew if I worked hard enough I could make it out, I could be someone, I could do something great with my life, I could break the cycle, and I did. The fact that my parents divorced and I had nowhere to go but up is not the source of my determination if the audience is to believe this, then this may invalidate the last paragraph, consider changing to "is not the only source". My source is my nephew and then making this "The other source". My sister wanted more attention than she could handle and ended up with her mistake, but my blessing. She was 18 when she had him give a name, makes the personal statement more personal; she never finished school, never attempted to, and never really gave motherhood a fair spin. Starting my junior year of high school, my life became school, work, and my nephew use name instead. I knew I could not stop going to school to support him, the best thing I did was continue going because I could offer him more things with an education. I could not stop working because he needed pampers, wipes, clothes, and the co-payments for his doctors visit were ridiculous for a 17 year old with a minimum wage job cut these into two sentences: "Pampers, wipes, and clothes. The co-payments--". He became my child and still is to this day. Having to take on such a serious role matured me past my physical and mental age. Even on some days when things seem overwhelming and I want to stop and breathe, I never do because I have so much responsibility on my shoulders.
I know I will become an attorney one day soon and when I open my own firm it will not be the peak of my accomplishments Cut "I know". The peak of my accomplishments will be when I become a judge for the U.S. Supreme court and I have made someone else’s dream of getting into law school a reality. No I have not been provided opportunities like my other counter parts that will become my peers in law school, no I do not have the highest GPA, nor do I have the highest LSAT score, but I do have heart, determination, and pride. I do not dwell on the things I do not have and use them as an excuse because I know they will not stop me from accomplishing all of my goals and then some. It will be a blessing if your law school would take a chance on me, living past your expectations will be the least thing you have to be proud of me about. I believe in myself no matter what and I will be successful because I do not give up.

on the GPA ad:
My GPA dropped the second semester of my freshman year due to financial and family issues change to hardships, issues is too neutral of a word. As stated in my personal statement my family is not well off financially so difficulties of not being able to feed myself and pay what little bills I had took a toll on me. Since I was old enough, I’ve always maintained a job but when I moved away from home and could not get a job it took a toll of me "took a toll on me" used twice in two adjacent sentences, consider changing. My grades were poor due to attendance. I was missing class because I was trying to sleep as long as I could to avoid hunger pains change "I was missing class" to "I missed class". My meal plan only allowed a certain amount of meals a week, when I would run out I did not want to beg anyone for anything because I did not want them judging me or my family. I was ashamed to call home and tell family members about my situation because I did not want them to thing this word should be "think" I could not make it on my own. I did not want them to feel like the person who would make then proud could not make it being away from home. I embraced the situation, learnt i think the correct word is "learned" my lesson, and pushed through. Since that semester the quality of my grades did increase each semester. It is very easy to have a bad semester and watch your GPA plummeted plummet not "plummeted", but it is extremely difficult to get others to see the progress you make each year seeing as how hard it is for your GPA to climb back up once it falls. I hope that you not look at my GPA as a who but look at the consistent progression, and look at the large amount of good grades I’ve made in my major classes. i don't understand this last sentence. "as a who"

hope this helps.

tdaniellep
Posts: 5
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 11:50 am

Re: Personal Statement and GPA Addendum...ROUGH DRAFT! HELP!

Postby tdaniellep » Sun Oct 24, 2010 1:52 pm

tourdeforcex wrote:i am going to offer a somewhat thorough tactical revision of your PS and possibly GPA addendum. please do not be offended if it seems that i am cutting out a lot.

i believe you have a good story. it just needs to be polished. this is done by cutting out that which does not add so the rest can shine through. please review your comma usage, referring to the lack of. when a sentence begins with an introductory element (such as "when, if, after), use a comma after that introductory element--like in this sentence.

also, your audience is curious as to why you want to be a lawyer. why do you want to be a lawyer? how will you being a lawyer benefit your law school or the world at large?

on the PS:
I will not skip around and give falsified information so I can gain acceptance into your law school.cut this first sentence. it is not necessary to talk about what you will not do. From birth, I have been taught that being yourself is the best thing you can ever do consider cutting out this sentence too. I do not come from a family of scholars nor do I come from a family that is well off financially cut "financially", it is implied and more. I do, however, come from a family with a foundation, a family of pride, a family full of love, and a family of hard workers. My grandparents migrated to south Florida trying to escape cut "trying to escape"; make "escaping" the harsh realities of the south and with that, came new beginnings for generations to come. One grandfather taught me to enjoy the simple things in life, cherish your family, and love god should this be capitalized? "God"?. The other grandfather taught me to be a role model to those younger and older than yourself. If you exceed the accomplishments of someone in the family keep going forreplace "for" with "because" it is not only you sharing the experience but everyone who was not fortunate to be in your position. Being that a vast majority of people in my family has never made it out of middle/high schoolcut "high" middle school makes the point, three generations walked across the stage with me to receive my high school diploma. Being that no one has ever attended college, Florida A & M University not only accepted XXXXXX XXXXX, they accepted those who helped me get there and those who will come after mecut " who will come after me" change to "to come".
For the most part, my mom and dad spent their days and nights working to support our family as best as they could. We still bounced around from home to home and experienced many evictions. I remember the lights being cut off numerous times but because my sibling and I were young, my mom would tell us that the reason the lights were off is because we needed family quiet timecut "but because my sibling and I were young". No television, no electronics, just time for us to talk,cut the "," and enjoy each other’s company. Hey, my siblings and I were satisfied, basically it meant we could all stay outside and play in the yard until after the street lights came oncut "Hey,". Some of my most fund "fun" not "fund" childhood memories were those of my mom and dad sitting in the yard telling us stories and talking. Once I reached high school and was old enough to get a job I did at footlocker Footlocker not footlocker. When I first started working it was mainly to establish responsibility and independencecut "mainly". My mother and father were going through a nasty divorce that was literally ripping us in halfnasty is extraneous, consider removing. With me being the middle child I was forced to choose sidescut "with me", start with "Being the middle child", I had no choice but to choose my mom because I knew my dad did not have the means to support me on his own. That decision bought a lot of hard times upon my life because I lost the great relationship I had with my dad. I still cry to this day because I do not have his support. Things became so bad at home until I drowned myself in work and school. I knew if I worked hard enough I could make it out, I could be someone, I could do something great with my life, I could break the cycle, and I did. The fact that my parents divorced and I had nowhere to go but up is not the source of my determination if the audience is to believe this, then this may invalidate the last paragraph, consider changing to "is not the only source". My source is my nephew and then making this "The other source". My sister wanted more attention than she could handle and ended up with her mistake, but my blessing. She was 18 when she had him give a name, makes the personal statement more personal; she never finished school, never attempted to, and never really gave motherhood a fair spin. Starting my junior year of high school, my life became school, work, and my nephew use name instead. I knew I could not stop going to school to support him, the best thing I did was continue going because I could offer him more things with an education. I could not stop working because he needed pampers, wipes, clothes, and the co-payments for his doctors visit were ridiculous for a 17 year old with a minimum wage job cut these into two sentences: "Pampers, wipes, and clothes. The co-payments--". He became my child and still is to this day. Having to take on such a serious role matured me past my physical and mental age. Even on some days when things seem overwhelming and I want to stop and breathe, I never do because I have so much responsibility on my shoulders.
I know I will become an attorney one day soon and when I open my own firm it will not be the peak of my accomplishments Cut "I know". The peak of my accomplishments will be when I become a judge for the U.S. Supreme court and I have made someone else’s dream of getting into law school a reality. No I have not been provided opportunities like my other counter parts that will become my peers in law school, no I do not have the highest GPA, nor do I have the highest LSAT score, but I do have heart, determination, and pride. I do not dwell on the things I do not have and use them as an excuse because I know they will not stop me from accomplishing all of my goals and then some. It will be a blessing if your law school would take a chance on me, living past your expectations will be the least thing you have to be proud of me about. I believe in myself no matter what and I will be successful because I do not give up.

on the GPA ad:
My GPA dropped the second semester of my freshman year due to financial and family issues change to hardships, issues is too neutral of a word. As stated in my personal statement my family is not well off financially so difficulties of not being able to feed myself and pay what little bills I had took a toll on me. Since I was old enough, I’ve always maintained a job but when I moved away from home and could not get a job it took a toll of me "took a toll on me" used twice in two adjacent sentences, consider changing. My grades were poor due to attendance. I was missing class because I was trying to sleep as long as I could to avoid hunger pains change "I was missing class" to "I missed class". My meal plan only allowed a certain amount of meals a week, when I would run out I did not want to beg anyone for anything because I did not want them judging me or my family. I was ashamed to call home and tell family members about my situation because I did not want them to thing this word should be "think" I could not make it on my own. I did not want them to feel like the person who would make then proud could not make it being away from home. I embraced the situation, learnt i think the correct word is "learned" my lesson, and pushed through. Since that semester the quality of my grades did increase each semester. It is very easy to have a bad semester and watch your GPA plummeted plummet not "plummeted", but it is extremely difficult to get others to see the progress you make each year seeing as how hard it is for your GPA to climb back up once it falls. I hope that you not look at my GPA as a who but look at the consistent progression, and look at the large amount of good grades I’ve made in my major classes. i don't understand this last sentence. "as a who"

hope this helps.




Thank you this helped a lot...yes lol there was a lot cut out but I am not offended at all. At the end of the day I want a good PS and GPAA so I can have a good chance of being accepted into law school. The last sentence was "as a WHOLE" missed two letters sorry. Thank you again

tourdeforcex
Posts: 428
Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2010 2:19 pm

Re: Personal Statement and GPA Addendum...ROUGH DRAFT! HELP!

Postby tourdeforcex » Sun Oct 24, 2010 2:04 pm

you're welcome. also find a friend, anyone who you think has a strong grasp of written English, to review.




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