Final Draft! Hopefully

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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nataliejane38
Posts: 48
Joined: Tue Aug 03, 2010 10:19 pm

Final Draft! Hopefully

Postby nataliejane38 » Sun Oct 24, 2010 11:28 am

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Last edited by nataliejane38 on Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

tourdeforcex
Posts: 428
Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2010 2:19 pm

Re: Final Draft! Hopefully

Postby tourdeforcex » Sun Oct 24, 2010 2:00 pm

it's good. it feels like it has been revised over and over. your intro paragraphs are strong and caught my attention. your story is distinct. you explain why law is for you and what you wish to do w/ a law degree. all my suggestions are very cosmetic.

please note that i may be harsh but this really is one of the better PSs i've found on TLS.

my comments and suggestions in red (some are stylistic and can be disregarded):

We were young, but knew better than to ask, “Are we there yet?” There was no “there.” The destination was undefined, and the road stretched out before us, seemingly endless (consider cutting seemingly endless, and inserting "endless" before "road") . The back seat was cramped with the three of us, our belongings overflowing from the back of the station wagon into our small, designated spaces, but there wasn’t much (convert "the three of us" to "my brother, my sister, and me" or whatever applies, this makes the personal statement more personal (if you do this consider cutting the sentence into two; cut "but there wasn't much" what does that mean?) . Our life was neatly contained and easily transportable. We just kept on moving.

For a number of years growing up, my family was homeless (This works, but how many years? if more than 5 or 10, write it out.) . My parents, both college graduates, could not find work that would support their three small children. We kept moving; my mother took jobs in the fields with migrant farm workers, telemarketing with traveling carnival workers and freelance writing assignments (stylistic: Add comma after "carnival workers") . My father worked in a bank, various night jobs and selling Amway (stylistic: Add comma after "night jobs") . Over the course of three years, we made our way across the country from Los Angeles to Boston sleeping in campgrounds, at relatives’ houses and in our car (stylistic: Add comma after "relatives' houses").

My parents did the best they could in order to provide for their family (convert "their" to "my"; this is your personal statement right?). Although it must have been very difficult for them, the way they handled our homelessness set an example of the strength of character that they possessed. It affected me from a very young age, even before I was able to verbalize how it felt or make connections about its impact on my life (consider replacing "affected", it's a generally meaningless word) . In fourth grade I won a regional essay contest about how I would make the world a better place by providing all homeless children with homes. While my parents continued to struggle with supporting our family, I tutored underprivileged children and served meals to people on Los Angeles’ Skid Row. I saw firsthand the struggles of these families and children, whose experiences were so close to my own. At fifteen, I began working two jobs and have been working ever since (convert "began working" to "worked"). I went to school around my work schedule; I never doubted that I would graduate from college and attend law school, even when it seemed many, many years away. (convert everything after ";" to "Even then, as an adolescent, I always knew I would complete college and go on to attend law school, though it was many years away.")

I am all too aware that there are many families and individuals on the brink of homelessness because of the recent economic crisis that this country faced (is our recent economic crisis over? consider making this into present tense "because of our current economic crisis") . While hands-on experience through volunteering with those in need is rewarding, I have never been fully satisfied with my inability to address the core issues of poverty and homelessness. Homelessness is not only circumstantial but systemic and requires more than just feeding the hungry and providing shelter. It requires a comprehensive approach enhanced by the legal system in order to create long term solutions to this problem. (agreed, but what is your suggestion? give an idea.)

Today, as a wife and mother and I am in a better position to understand the hardships that my parents faced raising three small children without a place to live. I can now understand how it affected me, and I am grateful for the experience. I do not, and never have, felt limited by my circumstances. I know they have provided me with a strong foundation, a sense of compassion and the ability to overcome all obstacles. In my life’s journey I am not “there” yet. Going to law school and becoming a lawyer will fulfill my dedication to public interest law and to serve underprivileged and underrepresented populations, as I am in a unique position to relate to their experiences. (last part is redundant, it is very clear you are in a unique position to relate.)

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2014
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Joined: Sat Jun 05, 2010 3:53 pm

Re: Final Draft! Hopefully

Postby 2014 » Sun Oct 24, 2010 3:07 pm

I like it a lot overall but I would revise your conclusion.
Going to law school and becoming a lawyer will fulfill my dedication to public interest law and to serve underprivileged and underrepresented populations

I think going to law school and working as a lawyer will ENABLE you to fulfill your dedication. Simply going to school and getting a job do not in themselves fulfill any dedication unless that dedication is to higher education or gainful employment.

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nataliejane38
Posts: 48
Joined: Tue Aug 03, 2010 10:19 pm

Re: Final Draft! Hopefully

Postby nataliejane38 » Sun Oct 24, 2010 4:15 pm

Thank you so much for the suggestions, I will make some changes. I agree with the last sentence, I will modify that too.




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