Solitary Confinement - Feedback on my PS Please! Draft 2

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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speedyj88
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Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 7:18 pm

Solitary Confinement - Feedback on my PS Please! Draft 2

Postby speedyj88 » Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:08 pm

[quote][/quote]

If you guys could give me feedback on the statement, that'd be great. I need to cut it down a little because it's a little long so let me know of any portions you guys think could be removed. I'm also a little unsure about my list of accomplishments at the end, I wanted to substantiate my changes and demonstrate my improvements but I'm not sure if it comes out the right way.

Thanks in advance for the help.
Last edited by speedyj88 on Tue Nov 30, 2010 7:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Lonagan
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Re: Solitary Confinement - Feedback on my PS Please! Draft 2

Postby Lonagan » Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:37 pm

That intro is money. Keep that regardless of whatever you decide to tweak.

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Barbie
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Re: Solitary Confinement - Feedback on my PS Please! Draft 2

Postby Barbie » Sat Oct 23, 2010 10:24 pm

Take out the part about your professors and class load. Concentrate on personal growth. Put the rest (how it impacted your schoolwork) in a GPA addendum if needed. Shorten your sentences. Overall, though, I think it's good.

(and for shortening, I could do without a few things. Such as what you were thinking as you walked down the stairs... I know it details the narrative but it doesn't really add anything)

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CGI Fridays
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Re: Solitary Confinement - Feedback on my PS Please! Draft 2

Postby CGI Fridays » Sat Oct 23, 2010 11:36 pm

Subjects of vision can "come into focus";
one's eyes can begin focusing, but they don't "come into focus."

Hedwig
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Re: Solitary Confinement - Feedback on my PS Please! Draft 2

Postby Hedwig » Sun Oct 24, 2010 12:58 am

I cannot read "cloak of invincibility" without thinking of an Invincibility Cloak without thinking of an Invisibility Cloak.

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speedyj88
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Re: Solitary Confinement - Feedback on my PS Please! Draft 2

Postby speedyj88 » Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:39 pm

Thanks so much for the help, guys. I'd appreciate any additional feedback before I rework some changes into my third and hopefully final draft.




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