[quote][/quote]
If you guys could give me feedback on the statement, that'd be great. I need to cut it down a little because it's a little long so let me know of any portions you guys think could be removed. I'm also a little unsure about my list of accomplishments at the end, I wanted to substantiate my changes and demonstrate my improvements but I'm not sure if it comes out the right way.
Thanks in advance for the help.
Solitary Confinement - Feedback on my PS Please! Draft 2
- speedyj88
- Posts: 161
- Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 7:18 pm
Solitary Confinement - Feedback on my PS Please! Draft 2
Last edited by speedyj88 on Tue Nov 30, 2010 7:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
- Lonagan
- Posts: 338
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Re: Solitary Confinement - Feedback on my PS Please! Draft 2
That intro is money. Keep that regardless of whatever you decide to tweak.
- Barbie
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Re: Solitary Confinement - Feedback on my PS Please! Draft 2
Take out the part about your professors and class load. Concentrate on personal growth. Put the rest (how it impacted your schoolwork) in a GPA addendum if needed. Shorten your sentences. Overall, though, I think it's good.
(and for shortening, I could do without a few things. Such as what you were thinking as you walked down the stairs... I know it details the narrative but it doesn't really add anything)
(and for shortening, I could do without a few things. Such as what you were thinking as you walked down the stairs... I know it details the narrative but it doesn't really add anything)
- CGI Fridays
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Re: Solitary Confinement - Feedback on my PS Please! Draft 2
Subjects of vision can "come into focus";
one's eyes can begin focusing, but they don't "come into focus."
one's eyes can begin focusing, but they don't "come into focus."
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Re: Solitary Confinement - Feedback on my PS Please! Draft 2
I cannot read "cloak of invincibility" without thinking of an Invincibility Cloak without thinking of an Invisibility Cloak.
- speedyj88
- Posts: 161
- Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 7:18 pm
Re: Solitary Confinement - Feedback on my PS Please! Draft 2
Thanks so much for the help, guys. I'd appreciate any additional feedback before I rework some changes into my third and hopefully final draft.
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