Solitary Confinement - Feedback on my PS Please! Draft 2

[speedyj88]

[quote][/quote]

If you guys could give me feedback on the statement, that'd be great. I need to cut it down a little because it's a little long so let me know of any portions you guys think could be removed. I'm also a little unsure about my list of accomplishments at the end, I wanted to substantiate my changes and demonstrate my improvements but I'm not sure if it comes out the right way.

Thanks in advance for the help.

[Lonagan]

That intro is money. Keep that regardless of whatever you decide to tweak.

[Barbie]

Take out the part about your professors and class load. Concentrate on personal growth. Put the rest (how it impacted your schoolwork) in a GPA addendum if needed. Shorten your sentences. Overall, though, I think it's good.

(and for shortening, I could do without a few things. Such as what you were thinking as you walked down the stairs... I know it details the narrative but it doesn't really add anything)

[CGI Fridays]

Subjects of vision can "come into focus";
one's eyes can begin focusing, but they don't "come into focus."

[Hedwig]

I cannot read "cloak of invincibility" without thinking of an Invincibility Cloak without thinking of an Invisibility Cloak.

[speedyj88]

Thanks so much for the help, guys. I'd appreciate any additional feedback before I rework some changes into my third and hopefully final draft.