Diversity Statement Critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
MBC1989
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:28 pm

Diversity Statement Critique

Postby MBC1989 » Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:39 pm

...
Last edited by MBC1989 on Tue Oct 26, 2010 8:38 am, edited 2 times in total.

MBC1989
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:28 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby MBC1989 » Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:51 pm

Also, if anyone wants me to critique anything in return just PM me.

Batfink55
Posts: 16
Joined: Wed May 19, 2010 7:02 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby Batfink55 » Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:08 pm

I'd watch your tone in this. It lacks sincerety to me.

MBC1989
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:28 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby MBC1989 » Sat Oct 23, 2010 11:13 pm

Thanks. Could you be more specific? Anyone else?

MBC1989
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:28 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby MBC1989 » Sun Oct 24, 2010 12:07 pm

Bump. Any thoughts/suggestions are greatly appreciated.

User avatar
2014
Posts: 5831
Joined: Sat Jun 05, 2010 3:53 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby 2014 » Sun Oct 24, 2010 2:05 pm

The third paragraph is a bit over the top. It makes you sound rather arrogant and it makes your family sound pretty discriminatory.

While I understand that it is important for you to show that you have grown to appreciate your heritage and commonalities with others from Latin America, I think you can do it while making yourself look a little better.

MBC1989
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:28 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby MBC1989 » Sun Oct 24, 2010 2:26 pm

2014 wrote:The third paragraph is a bit over the top. It makes you sound rather arrogant and it makes your family sound pretty discriminatory.

While I understand that it is important for you to show that you have grown to appreciate your heritage and commonalities with others from Latin America, I think you can do it while making yourself look a little better.


Do you mean the second paragraph?

What do you think about it as a whole?

User avatar
ShuckingNotJiving
Posts: 266
Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2010 11:24 am

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Sun Oct 24, 2010 2:35 pm

lacking in depth.

stereotypes are bad, you say. unfortunately you're not saying anything new.

you seek to prove that you're an open-minded individual who, although privileged, is in-touch with those less fortunate. However, I read this and think the exact opposite. Sometimes what's in between the lines is more powerful than the lines themselves.


Batfink55 wrote:I'd watch your tone in this. It lacks sincerety to me.


i agree.

you're wealthy, gotcha on that. but you're still mexican, still a minority. how do you feel about that? get in touch.

MBC1989
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:28 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby MBC1989 » Sun Oct 24, 2010 2:46 pm

So, scrap the second paragraph and make it less condescending? And go a little deeper into what I've learned rather than the obvious fact about stereotypes?

Any other suggestions?

Thanks a lot for all the help so far.

MBC1989
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:28 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby MBC1989 » Sun Oct 24, 2010 5:11 pm

bump

User avatar
achilles
Posts: 160
Joined: Mon Sep 20, 2010 2:08 am

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby achilles » Sun Oct 24, 2010 5:44 pm

I agree that you need to change the tone of the second paragraph. It makes you seem too arrogant. Could you try showing how it was initially hard for you to relate to them, coming from a different background? If you had a particular instance of something they did that you couldn't understand I think that would help. I would definitely scrap that you "looked down" on them or think you will "achieve a life far superior".

MBC1989
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:28 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby MBC1989 » Mon Oct 25, 2010 10:15 am

Just thought I would bump this one more time and see if I could get anymore feedback. I will be revising it at the end of the day. Any thoughts or suggestions are appreciated. Thanks.

User avatar
timmna
Posts: 524
Joined: Sat Jun 19, 2010 11:15 am

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby timmna » Mon Oct 25, 2010 10:22 am

I'm certainly no statement expert, but I thought I'd give you my two cents. It seems like you would be better served to set the statement up starting with your (positive) interaction with the worker and what it taught you. You could contrast that with your own, more affluent circumstance, but I wouldn't put in the parts about your (or your family's) initial discrimination. Then you could end with how this has affected your future plans.

User avatar
Sinra
Posts: 240
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2009 9:15 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby Sinra » Mon Oct 25, 2010 11:37 am

I don't think that an effective diversity statement focuses so much on why you looked down on various people. There's a lot of you thinking you were better than most. Huge, HUGE turnoff, IMO. Focus on how you yourself bring diversity, not on how your own negative opinions were changed. It comes off really rude. The tone is just all wrong. Not trying to be mean, but I would scrap this and start again.

User avatar
abarrios
Posts: 121
Joined: Sat Jun 13, 2009 7:47 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby abarrios » Mon Oct 25, 2010 12:00 pm

.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.