Please critique my Diversity statment

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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dpk711
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Please critique my Diversity statment

Postby dpk711 » Sat Oct 23, 2010 5:26 pm

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Last edited by dpk711 on Mon Nov 08, 2010 2:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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dpk711
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Re: Please critique my Diversity statment

Postby dpk711 » Sat Oct 23, 2010 7:28 pm

anyone??

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dpk711
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Re: Please critique my Diversity statment

Postby dpk711 » Sat Oct 23, 2010 10:01 pm

no one??

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thementor31337
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Re: Please critique my Diversity statment

Postby thementor31337 » Sat Oct 23, 2010 10:10 pm

I like the diversity statement however I would restructure the last paragraph. For example: "While growing up in East Africa, I experienced the joys and hardships Ugandans face everyday. As a result, at XXX Law School, I am confident that my unique upbringing will translate into a perspective that will enhance the classroom experience because, though I am Asian by blood and American by citizenship, I am African by heart."

I think the restructuring of the sentence shows that your upbringing "will" enhance the experience, not that it "may" enhance the experience.

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NorCalBruin
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Re: Please critique my Diversity statment

Postby NorCalBruin » Sat Oct 23, 2010 10:53 pm

I liked this. It was refreshing to read a diversity statement that included the joys as well as the hardships of growing up in a unique situation. Was it perfect? No, but I can't think of anything that I particularly disliked. Good job.

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dpk711
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Re: Please critique my Diversity statment

Postby dpk711 » Sat Oct 23, 2010 11:18 pm

thanks for the feedback so far, but are there any areas I can improve on??

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dpk711
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Re: Please critique my Diversity statment

Postby dpk711 » Sun Oct 24, 2010 4:44 pm

is it too short??

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achilles
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Re: Please critique my Diversity statment

Postby achilles » Sun Oct 24, 2010 5:31 pm

dpk711 wrote:This is a very rough draft. Any constructive criticism will be appreciated.

On the dilapidated village soccer field, the score hangs in the balance, 1-1. The unrelenting African sun combined with the occasional breeze sweeps the crimson-red dust into our eyes and sinuses. This sentence seems weird, it sounds like you're saying "The unrelenting sun...sweeps the crimson-red dust into our eyes and sinuses." The sun is not sweeping; the breeze is. Try restructuring it. Also, I think you could just say crimson instead of crimson-red I give the ball everything my left foot has to offer—it sails into the wooden goalpost. “GOAL!!!” my teammates scream gleefully as they swarm me. Together, we felt like we just won the world cup. I think World Cup should be capitalized Whether it was playing on the soccer pitch, chatting at the street market, digging in the cassava fields, or congregating at the village church, I have experienced the joys of being Ugandan.

My life in Africa started as a 6-year old when my parents decided to go to Uganda as missionaries in 1994. Ever since, I desired to be part of the Ugandan societal fabric. Of course the joyous moments were not the only ones I shared with my Ugandan brothers and sisters. Like many other Ugandans, I lost a (adopted) brother not because of an incurable disease but because of incompetent doctors. I think you should not put adopted in parentheses. It seems awkward and, reading it in my head, it sounds weird saying "a adopted" instead of "an adopted" I have experienced the pains of the number one killer in Africa, malaria, a myriad of times. Nevertheless, witnessing death and suffering did not stop my desire to be Ugandan. Instead I more readily depended on the tightly-knit African community during times of adversity. Being Ugandan taught me to live everyday like it is my last and to appreciate the things I already have.

Growing up in East Africa, I experienced the joys and hardships Ugandans face everyday. As a result, at XXX Law School, I am confident that my unique upbringing will translate into a perspective that may enhance learning it the classroom because, though I may be Asian by blood, American by citizenship, I am African by heart.


I agree with the notes on the last paragraph. I don't think it's too short, if that's all you want to say. I really like the tone of your essay, and it sounds like you've got a great story here

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Fresh
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Re: Please critique my Diversity statment

Postby Fresh » Sun Oct 24, 2010 6:09 pm

Pretty cool DS. One question that did pop into my mind was how well attending an American law school meshes well with being "part of the Ugandan societal fabric."

This is your call of course, but I think I would talk more Ugandan society being part of me rather than being part of Ugandan society. Its sort of a credibility issue for me I guess

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dpk711
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Re: Please critique my Diversity statment

Postby dpk711 » Mon Oct 25, 2010 2:50 pm

Your concerns about legitimacy I guess is understandable, But I can tell you honestly that I really did feel like a part of Ugandan society during my life in Africa. Going to law school and getting a quality legal education will help me advocate against the injustices that go on in Uganda. I know this may sound corny, but it is just the truth.

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bedefan
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Re: Please critique my Diversity statment

Postby bedefan » Mon Oct 25, 2010 3:09 pm

dpk711 wrote:Your concerns about legitimacy I guess is understandable, But I can tell you honestly that I really did feel like a part of Ugandan society during my life in Africa. Going to law school and getting a quality legal education will help me advocate against the injustices that go on in Uganda. I know this may sound corny, but it is just the truth.


Doesn't sound corny at all coming from someone who actually grew up in Uganda. Just my $.02.

thegrayman
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Re: Please critique my Diversity statment

Postby thegrayman » Mon Oct 25, 2010 3:11 pm

I like it a lot, good job.

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Fresh
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Re: Please critique my Diversity statment

Postby Fresh » Mon Oct 25, 2010 4:50 pm

dpk711 wrote:Your concerns about legitimacy I guess is understandable, But I can tell you honestly that I really did feel like a part of Ugandan society during my life in Africa. Going to law school and getting a quality legal education will help me advocate against the injustices that go on in Uganda. I know this may sound corny, but it is just the truth.


Then I wouldn't change a thing. It's a solid essay that displays your writing skills and serves it main purpose well. Also, I truly doubt that Ad Comms will have the same question that I brought up. Good luck on your cycle!

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dpk711
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Re: Please critique my Diversity statment

Postby dpk711 » Mon Oct 25, 2010 9:58 pm

any more comments??

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Snoring Meatball
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Re: Please critique my Diversity statment

Postby Snoring Meatball » Tue Oct 26, 2010 1:57 pm

I like it.

I am sorry about your brother. Did you put "adopted" in there for our knowledge, or is it in the PS? I think the clarification makes it sound like you're saying that the loss of your adopted brother wasn't as big of a deal as the loss of a biological sibling. That raises some questions for me. I can't tell whether this was your best friend who was two years younger than you or if it was a child you didn't know well because your parents adopted him over there when you were 20. Just a thought.

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dpk711
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Re: Please critique my Diversity statment

Postby dpk711 » Tue Oct 26, 2010 4:32 pm

Snoring Meatball wrote:I like it.

I am sorry about your brother. Did you put "adopted" in there for our knowledge, or is it in the PS? I think the clarification makes it sound like you're saying that the loss of your adopted brother wasn't as big of a deal as the loss of a biological sibling. That raises some questions for me. I can't tell whether this was your best friend who was two years younger than you or if it was a child you didn't know well because your parents adopted him over there when you were 20. Just a thought.


I see your point.
I just wanted to make it clear that it was not my biological brother--it was a big deal for me though.
I might change it to "African brother" instead, what do u think?

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Snoring Meatball
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Re: Please critique my Diversity statment

Postby Snoring Meatball » Tue Oct 26, 2010 4:35 pm

How about "Like many Ugandans, I lost a family member..."

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dpk711
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Re: Please critique my Diversity statment

Postby dpk711 » Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:15 pm

anyone else??




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