Intro paragraph to PS......be brutally honest.

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operaphantom2003
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2010 6:40 pm

Intro paragraph to PS......be brutally honest.

Postby operaphantom2003 » Fri Oct 22, 2010 9:57 pm

I'm not entirely sure if this is the direction to go or not but this is what I have so far:

Almost seven years ago I was sitting in a Reno hotel with a man I thought I knew and loved. I was five months pregnant at the time and couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He was saying, “I am doing the right thing by telling you to give up the kid…you can’t raise it, you’re not good enough. I’ll wait around until it is born but then I am leaving the country to go teach English. Come with me, you always wanted to go to England and Japan…Listen, it’s me or the kid. Make your choice.” It was then that the past two years came rushing through my mind; the control, the silent manipulation, degrading everything I loved. It hit me then; he was just like my mother and grandmother. I had done quite nicely the past few years without them in my life and would do just as well without him. I would, in no uncertain terms, be given the ultimatum of having a man or my child. That was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I set off on another journey that would lead me to going back to college, reuniting with my mother, learning patience, and having the chance to make a real difference in someone’s life. Everything I have done in the past six years has brought me back to who I am inside and rekindled my desire to practice law.

Hedwig
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Joined: Sun Jun 27, 2010 1:56 am

Re: Intro paragraph to PS......be brutally honest.

Postby Hedwig » Fri Oct 22, 2010 10:32 pm

I feel like you just wrote your whole PS in one quick paragraph!

Keep going with what you have, but focus it out into paragraphs and conclude with your desire to practice law because of this or whatever.

Where were you planning to go with the rest of your paragraphs? Were you thinking of this as like an essay introduction where you write it out to start with then explore in depth? If so, I think it might work better if you try doing it in a more informal approach - deal with the story, implications of the story, then conclude, you know? Here you write out "this is my life story doubleplusquick now I will slow down and re-tell it."

hawaii
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:15 pm

Re: Intro paragraph to PS......be brutally honest.

Postby hawaii » Fri Oct 22, 2010 10:37 pm

Of what I see so far, I like it. But I would really need to see the rest of it to really be able to tell if the intro works well.

policestate1234
Posts: 97
Joined: Wed Jul 21, 2010 7:43 pm

Re: Intro paragraph to PS......be brutally honest.

Postby policestate1234 » Fri Oct 22, 2010 10:43 pm

I'm not a huge fan. Are you going for the sympathy I had a hard life essay?

operaphantom2003
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2010 6:40 pm

Re: Intro paragraph to PS......be brutally honest.

Postby operaphantom2003 » Fri Oct 22, 2010 10:50 pm

policestate1234 wrote:I'm not a huge fan. Are you going for the sympathy I had a hard life essay?



Neither sympathy or "hard life" essay. I am simply stating the event/s that led me back to school quickly. I don't want to touch on anything that would really say sympathy. I will focus on the events in the past 6 years that makes me want to study law.

policestate1234
Posts: 97
Joined: Wed Jul 21, 2010 7:43 pm

Re: Intro paragraph to PS......be brutally honest.

Postby policestate1234 » Fri Oct 22, 2010 10:55 pm

operaphantom2003 wrote:
policestate1234 wrote:I'm not a huge fan. Are you going for the sympathy I had a hard life essay?



Neither sympathy or "hard life" essay. I am simply stating the event/s that led me back to school quickly. I don't want to touch on anything that would really say sympathy. I will focus on the events in the past 6 years that makes me want to study law.

Some schools have a page limit, and say what you need to say in the fewest words. We don't need to know why you want to study law bit from reading your essay you should be highlighting why they should admit you.

Bankhead
Posts: 1124
Joined: Mon Apr 07, 2008 11:50 am

Re: Intro paragraph to PS......be brutally honest.

Postby Bankhead » Fri Oct 22, 2010 11:28 pm

It's not very well written, nor is it appropriate. Sounds like a sob story, stream of consciousness rant.

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$1.99
Posts: 684
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2010 1:49 am

Re: Intro paragraph to PS......be brutally honest.

Postby $1.99 » Sat Oct 23, 2010 12:34 am

the topic is way too risky. the first rule is you want to make your reader feel comfortable. try to tone it way down or write about something else.




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