In need of a serious critique!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
hawaii
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:15 pm

In need of a serious critique!

Postby hawaii » Fri Oct 22, 2010 8:48 pm

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Last edited by hawaii on Mon Oct 25, 2010 12:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

AP-375
Posts: 413
Joined: Tue Oct 05, 2010 8:18 pm

Re: In need of a serious critique!

Postby AP-375 » Fri Oct 22, 2010 9:35 pm

In general, I would say that your statement could be titled: "A detailed chronology of challenges in my life." However, I think it would be better if you could change it to be something that could be titled, "Challenges in my life and how they have made me successful now."
I would do this by cutting out about a third of the historical elements from your first few paragraphs, then focus on your most recent experiences (which you've done a nice job with) and add a discussion about your current personal strengths and characteristics. Then you can play up how those attributes will continue to make you successful (in law school, if you want), and then tie it back in with your past as a conclusion. Just suggestions...

hawaii
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:15 pm

Re: In need of a serious critique!

Postby hawaii » Sat Oct 23, 2010 2:37 pm

Thanks!

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thementor31337
Posts: 100
Joined: Sat Oct 02, 2010 1:35 pm

Re: In need of a serious critique!

Postby thementor31337 » Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:37 pm

I think this statement is well written and describes how your mother's struggle shaped your ability to be independent and self-reliant, which are traits that are missing from many of today's youth. You are right that you were the lucky one because you have had to figure things out for yourself your entire life. My only suggestion would be at the end of the third paragraph, I'm sure you mean persevered and not preserved.




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