Personal Statement Draft 3(Updated Draft)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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beidoun
Posts: 196
Joined: Tue Jan 26, 2010 11:27 am

Personal Statement Draft 3(Updated Draft)

Postby beidoun » Fri Oct 22, 2010 6:24 pm

Any advice would be appreciated...

The leaflets that dropped down on our burrow left nothing to the imagination. The war was at the end of its first week and my burrow was the next target of ariel attacks. I used to imagine that only a genuine love or an extravagant beauty could make time stand still, but clearly my assessment was false. It was misery that accomplished the task. As I stood on my balcony watching the midnight sky, life was motionless.
I was coming to grips with my impending death. I never could have fathomed the thoughts I had when I was convinced of my imminent death. My prior assumption led me to believe I would be overwhelmed with terror. But there is something soothing about death when misery is your only option. Even though, I was distraught over dying a young death, I stood there in a tranquil manner. Contemplating the moments I wish I had would squander my last moments. Conscious of the sands in an hour glass, after my initial shock and despair, everything in my life was coming into perspective. The exceptional and incompetence of my existence played back to me like a slideshow. The feeling of hopelessness consumed me. As the emotions of my forthcoming death came to a pinnacle, the purpose of my life ultimately became blatant.
The attack on my burrow lasted for two days. The fireworks were over and my initial acceptance of my death was premature. As we left the bomb shelter and fled to safety, I could not help look back at the time in my life that preceded. My involuntary seminar on life came to a screeching halt and time was right to look at my notes. My life, while rewarding, did not fulfill the purpose I just recently familiarized myself with. With my life flashing before my eyes, I learned lessons that have since dictated my path in life.
With my renewed sense of purpose and a vibrant attitude, I came back to school seeking fulfillment. The impressions from the war that preceded my school year lingered on. The aftermath of the war I left behind preoccupied my thoughts. With my mind brimming, I undertook the efforts of relief and awareness for the war victims. Dance for Peace was created as an event to raise relief funds for victims of war in the Middle East. Becoming an annual event on campus, Dance for Peace is a staple on the calendar and the most successful event in school history. In continuing on my path of service, I branched out to other efforts including assisting the city of Detroit in its rebuilding of neighborhoods and the downtown area.
The night continues to cross my mind when I stood out on the balcony, broadcasting in my thoughts like black and white movie. The midnight sky burns in my memory to never forget the second chance I was given. The miserable feelings as time stood still has allowed me one of the greatest gifts in life. Having the burning desire to serve has allowed me to flourish and better my self continuously.
The drive to fulfill my purpose in life has led to numerous accomplishments and has driven me to reach for the summit. The feeling of hopelessness will always endure as a motivation to help the less fortunate. I have been involved with a variety of non-profit organizations that have only expanded my passion for civic engagement. In continuing my education, I believe that pursing my law degree is the correct step in my life to pursue my ambitions. Assisting the less fortunate is the only way to suffice my endless thirst of a call to serve. WIth a degree from XXXX and my personal experiences, I will continue to serve the needy and expand the impact I am capable of making.
Last edited by beidoun on Sun Oct 24, 2010 4:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ccourt14
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Re: Personal Statement Draft 2

Postby ccourt14 » Sat Oct 23, 2010 1:52 pm

As a reader, I am expecting to learn at some point what war you are referring to and how you ended up there. Also I feel like some of the sentences in the first few paragraphs seem repetitive even if they aren't saying the same exact thing. Hope that helps

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beidoun
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Re: Personal Statement Draft 2

Postby beidoun » Sun Oct 24, 2010 1:02 am

Thank you....anymore advice would be great.

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The Gentleman
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Re: Personal Statement Draft 2

Postby The Gentleman » Sun Oct 24, 2010 1:54 am

Two suggestions. First, you should add more concrete details about your experience in the war. Where were you? What were you doing? What specifically were you seeing and hearing in the moments you describe? Try and set a scene for the reader. Second, the discussion about Dance for Peace and your commitment to service needs to be tightened up. It feels like you just throw a bunch of facts out there without really elaborating on any of them. Instead, you might want to pick one specific anecdote or experience that sums up your work with this organization. But overall, your writing is quite good and it seems like you have a compelling story to tell. Just try to make the essay more tangible and more focused.

And if all else fails, you could write a PS about how your love for the Detroit Lions has been a major obstacle in your life.

Destined
Posts: 65
Joined: Sun Aug 08, 2010 3:55 pm

Re: Personal Statement Draft 2

Postby Destined » Sun Oct 24, 2010 2:09 am

Like your story. Think ^^^ these guys have said it all. also "aerial" in first sentence.

Thanks for your service and good luck to you in the admissions process bud!

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billyez
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Re: Personal Statement Draft 2

Postby billyez » Sun Oct 24, 2010 2:19 am

This PS is rather opaque. You've built a skeleton but you haven't put enough meat on the bones.

With my life flashing before my eyes, I learned lessons that have since dictated my path in life.


What lessons? The problem with this statement is actually emblematic of what was rather frustrating about the essay as a whole; it dances around issues without fully explaining them. You use this tale of war as a medium for the renewed purpose you found in life...but despite all the time you talk about purpose, I finished this essay without understanding what this purpose was. That's a problem.

What you've done is craft a frame. What you haven't done is paint a portrait to fill it. Give us more details. Give the reader a chance to actually connect with the story that's being told. Right now, I can't.

EDIT: I reread and I concede that the final paragraph does tinker around a vague idea of "civic engagement" and "helping other people". I'm going to assume that this is the purpose you spoke of - okay, fine. Don't put that in the final paragraph. Explain that much earlier. There's a particularly glaring opening for this explanation after: "As the emotions of my forthcoming death came to a pinnacle, the purpose of my life ultimately became blatant." That statement primes the reader for a short sentence, something that explains what became so blatantly obvious. Instead, we're thrust right back into the story. The story serves to engender in the reader a feeling that the purpose of your life, as you present it, is credible. Instead, I get the feeling that the story is getting more focus here than the purpose. That's not good.

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beidoun
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Re: Personal Statement Draft 3(Updated Draft)

Postby beidoun » Sun Oct 24, 2010 4:56 pm

Here is an updated version taking in some of your suggestions.

Lebanon, full of majestic mountain ranges and clear water, put me in a state of serenity. Its beautiful scenery and rich history left me paralyzed as a tourist and a native. Lebanon was once referred to as the Paris of the Middle East. The civil wars made that mantra a distant memory. As the country was rebuilding back into a beautiful Mediterranean hotspot, visiting my family while spending my summers there was the highlight of my year. My summer in my Beirut loft was going as planned until my nineteenth birthday. The day opened with news that fighting between soldiers on the border left two dead. Midday was full of birthday cake and concern. By the end of the day, the war had commenced and Beirut was buzzing. As the days past, buildings vanished and the will of people were tested.

With the war inching closer to my burrow, I was inching closer to death. Planes flew above my loft dropping leaflets to the citizens. The leaflets that dropped down left nothing to the imagination. The war was at the end of its first week and my burrow was the next target of attacks. A nightmare was playing out, as the night crept up, the sounds around my loft brought up images of the fourth of July. With the fireworks getting louder as the moments past, the painful realization was beginning to set in. I used to imagine that only a genuine love or an extravagant beauty could make time stand still, but clearly my assessment was false. It was misery that accomplished the task. As I stood on my balcony watching the midnight sky, life was motionless.

I was coming to grips with my impending death. I never could have fathomed the thoughts I had when I was convinced of my imminent death. My prior assumption led me to believe I would be overwhelmed with terror. But there is something soothing about death when misery is your only option. Even though I was distraught over dying a young death, I stood there in a tranquil manner. Contemplating the time I wish I had would squander my last moments. Conscious of the sands in the hour glass, after my initial shock and despair, everything in my life was coming into perspective. The exceptional and incompetence of my existence played back to me like a slideshow. The feeling of hopelessness consumed me. As the emotions of my forthcoming death came to a pinnacle, the purpose of my life ultimately became blatant. The hopelessness that had filled my body and mind is a feeling all to regular for some. Living to serve those that have trouble with diminishing that notion was the way to fulfill my purpose .

The attack on my burrow lasted for two days. The fireworks were over and my initial acceptance of my death was premature. As we left the bomb shelter and fled to safety, I could not help but look back at the time in my life that preceded. My involuntary seminar on life came to a screeching halt and time was right to look at my notes. My life, while rewarding, did not fulfill the purpose I just recently familiarized myself with. With my life flashing before my eyes, I learned lessons that have since dictated my path in life.

With my renewed sense of purpose and a vibrant attitude, I came back to school seeking fulfillment. The impressions from the war that preceded my school year lingered on. The aftermath of the war I left behind preoccupied my thoughts. With my mind brimming, I undertook the efforts of relief and awareness for the war victims from Lebanon. In the years following, I have continued to support war victims from around the world with my involvement on campus. With each year gone by and the increased amounts of combat and sufferers of war, the importance of war relief has expanded and my dedication to the efforts have continued to spread.
The night continues to cross my mind when I stood out on the balcony, broadcasting in my thoughts like a black and white movie. The midnight sky burns in my memory to never forget the second chance I was given. The miserable feelings as time stood still have allowed me one of the greatest gifts in life. Having the burning desire to serve has allowed me to flourish and better myself continuously.

The drive to fulfill my purpose in life has led to numerous accomplishments and has driven me to reach for the summit. The feeling of hopelessness will always endure as a motivation to help the less fortunate. I have been involved with a variety of non-profit organizations that have only expanded my passion for civic engagement. In continuing my education, I believe that pursing my law degree is the correct step in my life to satisfy my ambitions. Assisting the less fortunate is the only way to suffice my endless thirst of a call to serve. WIth a degree from XXXX and my personal experiences, I will continue to serve the needy and expand the impact I am capable of making.

cubswin
Posts: 618
Joined: Mon May 25, 2009 4:40 pm

Re: Personal Statement Draft 3(Updated Draft)

Postby cubswin » Sun Oct 24, 2010 7:33 pm

beidoun wrote: Here is an updated version taking in some of your suggestions.

Lebanon, full of majestic mountain ranges and clear water, put me in a state of serenity. Its beautiful scenery and rich history left me paralyzed as a tourist and a native. Lebanon was once referred to as the Paris of the Middle East. The civil wars made that mantra a distant memory. As the country was rebuilding back into a beautiful Mediterranean hotspot, visiting my family while spending my summers there was the highlight of my year. My summer in my Beirut loft was going as planned until my nineteenth birthday. The day opened with news that fighting between soldiers on the border left two dead. Midday was full of birthday cake and concern. By the end of the day, the war had commenced and Beirut was buzzing. As the days past, buildings vanished and the will of people were tested.

With the war inching closer to my burrow, I was inching closer to death.


Sorry, but I simply hate this line. There has to be a more artful way to say this.

beidoun wrote:Planes flew above my loft, dropping leaflets to the citizens which left nothing to the imagination. [NOTE: I combined two sentences here] The war was at the end of its first week and my burrow was the next target of attacks. A nightmare was playing out, as the night crept up, the sounds around my loft evoked [NOTE: I changed "brought up" to "evoked," since it seems more precise IMO] images of the fourth of July. With the fireworks getting louder as the moments past, the painful realization was beginning to set in. I used to imagine that only a genuine love or an extravagant beauty could make time stand still, but clearly my assessment was false. It was misery that accomplished the task. As I stood on my balcony watching the midnight sky, life was motionless.

I was coming to grips with my impending death. I never could have fathomed the thoughts I had when I was convinced of my imminent death. My prior assumption led me to believe I would be overwhelmed with terror. But there is something soothing about death when misery is your only option. Even though I was distraught over dying a young death, I stood there in a tranquil manner. Contemplating the time I wish I had would squander my last moments. Conscious of the sands in the hour glass, after my initial shock and despair, everything in my life was coming into perspective. The exceptional and incompetence of my existence played back to me like a slideshow. The feeling of hopelessness consumed me. As the emotions of my forthcoming death came to a pinnacle, the purpose of my life ultimately became blatant. The hopelessness that had filled my body and mind is a feeling all to regular for some. Living to serve those that have trouble with diminishing that notion was the way to fulfill my purpose .


What does this mean?

Sorry, have to run. Did what I could.

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beidoun
Posts: 196
Joined: Tue Jan 26, 2010 11:27 am

Re: Personal Statement Draft 3(Updated Draft)

Postby beidoun » Sun Oct 24, 2010 11:47 pm

thanks for everyones help




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