Personal Statement Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 1:37 pm

Personal Statement Draft

Postby GatorGirl89 » Fri Oct 22, 2010 4:17 pm

Could someone please critique my personal statement? I have gotten some feedback that it may have too much of my father and not enough about me so I have tried to add some more "me" into it, but I'm still not sure if it is enough. If anyone could please let me know what they think that would be great!

My father likes to joke with my mother about how he can iron better than she can, but that will happen after years of working in a sewing factory. The obstacles he has faced in life have had a profound impact on the person I have become and the career I have decided to pursue. It has been through stories of his childhood and first hand experiences during my childhood that have brought me to where I am today.
He came to America from Cuba when he was just 5 years old, knowing nothing but the awe-inspiring accounts of his parents. Through these descriptions he envisioned a place of equality, freedom, and civil liberties, and more toys than he would know what to do with. The reality he found was much different than expected. He and his family came with nothing but the clothes on their backs, living in a free housing complex and receiving clothes from a local church. His parents worked in a sewing factory to sustain the family and he too eventually found himself with the same occupation. Eventually, the factory began to get fewer and fewer contracts as companies began to utilize factories in other countries to capitalize on the cheaper cost of labor. While most people would have seen this as an impossible hurdle, my father saw it as an opportunity. His status as a citizen gave him a chance not afforded to many of his coworkers which would change the course of his life forever. He took a night class and obtained his real estate license and mortgage broker license. He worked two jobs, dedicating every day he had off from the factory to practice real estate. This double life became the norm until he was able to quit his job and work as a realtor full-time. His career quickly blossomed, and his sales awards began to line the walls of his office.
As a child, the highlight of my week was the chance to ride the forklift at the factory. I would often go to work with my father since my family could not afford a childcare program. We would leave each morning before the sun came up and not return until nightfall. The meager pay did not make up for the long hours he spent toiling over rolls of fabric. The Florida heat was unbearable in the factory. I distinctly remember the stench of the sweat that would drip off the workers as they slaved away over steaming irons and other piping-hot machinery.
It was difficult for me when I came to the realization that the other workers that I had grown to adore in the factory would never get the same opportunities as my father. I watched him go from an immigrant worker, slaving away in a hot, overcrowded factory, bringing home a paycheck that was barely enough to pay the bills, to the skilled businessman he has become today. These experiences have given me a drive and perspective on life that motivates me to want to make a difference, not only in my life but in the lives of others.
Life was difficult for my family during my childhood, however, I cannot help but appreciate the experience. I recall my first day of fourth grade when my teacher asked us to introduce ourselves one by one. As I watched each student stand up, I realized all of their clothes were new. I remember the embarrassment I felt as I looked down at my newly purchased from Goodwill jumper. Until that point I had not realized that things had been different for my family. That was the life I was I was used to. However, as our standard of living rose along with my father’s paychecks, I began to recognize the injustices the factory workers were facing. I saw my father change his life through honest hard work and determination and I could not help but develop the same ambition.
When I discovered a local Habitat for Humanity development in my hometown, I became inspired to do something to help these people who were working so hard to help themselves. It motivated me that they were making a better life for themselves despite all of the obstacles. After a long day of laying sod and painting baseboards I realized how much I had affected a family’s life by helping to build their future home. I imagined the immigrant family I had met finally moving to their new home and realized I had helped to make their transition to America a little easier. My interest in law developed out of these experiences. As a child I witnessed many immigrant workers who were not able to achieve the same success as my father. They spent their entire life working in terrible conditions, with no hope for a better life. Some found their way to a comfortable life, but most would be stuck in the vicious cycle of survival. It was this realization that led me to my decision to pursue a career in which I could help these people to realize the injustices they were facing and take a stand against them. It is therefore my desire to pursue a career in law. I believe the knowledge I would attain at _____ Law School would provide me with an excellent foundation to act as an advocate for those living or working under unfair conditions.

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Re: Personal Statement Draft

Postby bk1 » Fri Oct 22, 2010 4:22 pm

I stopped reading halfway through the second paragraph when you were still talking about your father.

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