Feeding it to the wolves....

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tipler4213
Posts: 634
Joined: Thu May 29, 2008 11:16 am

Feeding it to the wolves....

Postby tipler4213 » Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:24 pm

Tear it apart my friends:(could use the slightest but of shortening too, for the schools that specifically state 1 inch margins, 2 pages, 11 font)

Clumsily rolling out of my half-deflated air mattress, I fumbled around for my watch. Eyes still adjusting to the rays of the nascent morning sun, I pull the watch to my face and squint: 4:47 AM. “What on earth is that noise?” I stumble across my empty apartment, back aching from seventeen hours of driving the day before. Peering out the window, I spot my impromptu-alarm: a procession of Haitian men fervidly singing, dancing, and playing steel drums. In less than twenty-four hours I had stepped out of the meandering pace of suburban life in Alabama into the middle of the J’Ouvert Caribbean carnival. Welcome to Brooklyn. Welcome home.
To most people raised in Mountain Brook, Alabama, Brooklyn would not simply feel like another city; it would feel like another world. A subdivision of the epicenter of the 1960s civil rights struggle, Mountain Brook has remained virtually frozen in the 1950s. My high school graduating class of 337 had zero minorities and most students’ only exposure to diversity came through the bus line that shuttles the neighborhood maids and yardmen to and from their downtown apartments. In college, I sought every opportunity to branch out from the confines of my youth. Despite no prior experience in either subject, I found my niche in Global Relations and the French language. Following a successful immersion program in France, I decided to up the ante and apply for the US State Department’s Critical Language Scholarship for beginning Arabic. A week after returning from France, I was once again airborne over the Atlantic. Destination: Tunis, Tunisia.
Any confidence I had developed in my linguistic capabilities while in France vanished about thirty seconds into the first lesson when my professor informed me that my notebooks were upside down. How else could you write from right to left? Undeterred, I embraced the language and the culture. When I first walked in the neighborhood café, twelve stern faces whipped around to glare at me, making it quite clear that I had intruded on their sacred space. After I timidly settled into a seat in the corner, I waited 30 minutes for service. Finally, when the owner, Fasaal, begrudgingly left his game of chess and approached my table, he noticed my copy of the Al-Kitaab textbook on the table and mumbled a greeting in Arabic. When I responded with the customary reply and my order, the full extent of my Arabic at this point, he cracked a smile and began spouting an incomprehensible cacophony of Arabic as I pleaded for him to slow down. Finally, using my French fluency as a crutch, I explained to him that I had only been studying Arabic for three days!
Over the course of the summer Fasaal and I became quite close, gradually incorporating more and more Arabic into our conversations. After a few weeks my “usual” of tea and shisha, a flavored tobacco, was waiting for me when I arrived for my nightly study session at the café. Those same twelve faces that had met me so harshly on my first night gradually softened and began to acknowledge my arrival with courteous nods. Nevertheless, four weeks into the program, not one had spoken to me despite the many evenings when I was the only other customer. Their argumentative voices and the haze created from their bevy of shishas seemingly melded in as a part of the cafés décor. However, one night, they waived me over and asked if I would like to join their game of chess. Tentatively taking a seat and surveying the board in front of me, I took a long drag of shisha and started to plan my strategy when it hit me: this suburbanite Alabamian was now a Tunisian “regular”.
Returning to the lull of life in Mountain Brook, I quickly became “homesick” for the excitement of my last ten months abroad. However, when I awoke to the clamor of steel drums announcing the start of the J’Ouvert carnival on my first morning in Brooklyn, I knew I was home once again. Wedged in the juncture of Brooklyn’s Caribbean, Jewish, Russian, and Arab quarters, a short walk from my doorstep transports you from one culture to the next, a truly global community. Moreover, my position with the Chertoff Group has proven to be the perfect opportunity to work in a global context. Formed by the former Federal Appeals Court Judge and Secretary of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff, the group provides strategic security and risk management advice to governments and corporations in fields such as counterterrorism, cyber security, border security, and intelligence. This has provided me with the opportunity to work directly on complex legal matters of global significance, such as the planned mosque near the 9/11 Memorial, wiretapping of online service providers, and surveillance of suspected terrorists. Furthermore, while working for the coauthor of the Patriot Act, I am constantly exposed to the intricacies of the balance between individual liberties and national security.
My desire to pursue a career devoted to seeking the ever-elusive balance between security and the legal rights of citizens at home and abroad has led to my decision to apply for a dual degree at XXXXX law school. This truly unrivaled degree option provides the perfect synthesis for my interests in international relations and law. Moreover, the educational environment at XXX, favoring classroom discussion and a globalized study of the law, perfectly match with my preferred learning style and career ambitions. I am also confident that my childhood experiences with racial injustice in Alabama, unique experiences abroad and in Brooklyn, and time with the Chertoff Group will allow me to make significant contributions to the diversified student body valued by XXXXX.

ck3ku
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 11:22 pm

Re: Feeding it to the wolves....

Postby ck3ku » Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:52 pm

tipler4213 wrote: A subdivision of the epicenter of the 1960s civil rights struggle, Mountain Brook has remained virtually frozen in the 1950s.


Change "in" to "since" and I think it's good to go! (:

tipler4213
Posts: 634
Joined: Thu May 29, 2008 11:16 am

Re: Feeding it to the wolves....

Postby tipler4213 » Fri Oct 22, 2010 4:11 pm

Thanks! Any other thoughts people, let's keep this train moving!

tipler4213
Posts: 634
Joined: Thu May 29, 2008 11:16 am

Re: Feeding it to the wolves....

Postby tipler4213 » Fri Oct 22, 2010 8:19 pm

Come on, there's gotta be someone else out there willing to take a gander

Hedwig
Posts: 835
Joined: Sun Jun 27, 2010 1:56 am

Re: Feeding it to the wolves....

Postby Hedwig » Fri Oct 22, 2010 9:00 pm

Just one minor thing - use of the word nascent. I'm not sure why, but it stuck out to me as weird. Do you usually use the word nascent? It's only because I take Latin that I even know what that word means, since it's so rare.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Feeding it to the wolves....

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:49 am

Very effective at taking the reader into your world. Although I don't wish to be argumentative with other posters, I think that "frozen in" (as in "frozen in time" which has a different connotation than a microwave meal that has been "frozen since") is better than the alternative suggested above & "nascent" is used correctly & poetically.

Your concluding sentence is weak.
CONSIDER: " Confident that my childhood experience with racial injustice in Alabama, unparalleled adventures abroad and in Brooklyn, and time with the Chertoff Group produced a wide-ranging perspective, I look forward to contributing my insight to the classes at George Washington University School of Law."

P.S. Thanks for breakfast !

tipler4213
Posts: 634
Joined: Thu May 29, 2008 11:16 am

Re: Feeding it to the wolves....

Postby tipler4213 » Mon Oct 25, 2010 9:54 am

Thanks for all the comments guys. Anyone else want to chime in?

tipler4213
Posts: 634
Joined: Thu May 29, 2008 11:16 am

Re: Feeding it to the wolves....

Postby tipler4213 » Mon Oct 25, 2010 10:39 am

And if anyone has any recommendations of one or two things that could be trimmed for the schools that strictly state 2 pages, 1-inch margins, and 11 font, that would be great.




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