i refuse to write another draft after this.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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i refuse to write another draft after this.

Postby ck3ku » Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:19 pm

Last edited by ck3ku on Fri Nov 05, 2010 3:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: i refuse to write another draft after this.

Postby deadpoetnsp » Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:57 am

The flow is great and compelling, but at the end, I still had a question: "Why Law School?" May be you can add a transition towards the end indicating when and why you got interested in law school and what are your goals as a lawyer ... won't be too much work :)

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Re: i refuse to write another draft after this.

Postby whymeohgodno » Sat Oct 30, 2010 8:40 pm

I would focus more on stuff after highschool. It seems like more than half of your PS was related to middle/high school.

But other than that it seems really well written.

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Re: i refuse to write another draft after this.

Postby mst » Sat Oct 30, 2010 11:58 pm

A lazy critique is better than no critique so I figured I mention this:

-I agree on the why law school comment
-Find a friend who has good grammar and writing ability and run this by them. For example, "Yet his words echoed in my head while the weight of them sank in my stomach and surrounding noises became inaudible as I trudged on, my thoughts becoming reminiscent" is quite possibly the worst sentence I've ever seen. OK, I'm exaggerating, but it's not alone in this essay. This sentence in particular serves as the key transition between the holocaust survivors story/lesson and your own. I'd suggest (paraphrased): "I still couldn't fathom how he endured it. But, as I walked away, my own struggles came to mind. While they don't compare to his, reminiscing over my struggles began to provide me with the understanding of how he moved on from such trauma to become a better man." -> New paragraph.... Whereas coming to the United States.... *Middle paragraphs here* -> *Rewrite final paragraph to incorporate law school path more, AND to centralize more on the theme of facing adversity, realizing that you have a choice on how to approach it (admirably as your mother and the survivor did), and moving on to accomplish great things.
-I'm stuck at odds with your mothers role in this. From one light you want to paint her as a hero who overcame adversity, and in the other you want to paint her as an abusive mother. I think you can do both in this personal statement, but tie/parallel it into your own story of being faced with adversity, realizing the choices you have available, and moving on.
-Stupid note here: I really didn't like the "light at the end of the tunnel" cliche, but perhaps that's just me.

It's a good story, and I really got a feel for your life in it, it has a lot of potential if you clean up the writing (with an English professor or student, maybe). You just need to stick to your theme and incorporate law school into it I think (AKA Why law?)

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Re: i refuse to write another draft after this.

Postby Bankhead » Sun Oct 31, 2010 12:41 am

you need to talk about why/how law school has anything to do with what you've written. i also dont see how the holocaust survivor has anything but the most surface level connection with your story. also how the hell can you say taht his struggle ended when he came to the u.s. i'm sure it never ended.

the adcomms nor i need to like it simply because it deals with sensitive subject matter.

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Re: i refuse to write another draft after this.

Postby ck3ku » Sun Oct 31, 2010 12:56 pm

I was told by an admissions committee member that 2/3 of personal statements have to do with how people took a class or had a life-changing experience that led them to consider law school. He told me that unless I have something bewilderingly interesting, I should write about how I overcame adversity and matured, to make the admissions committee consider me an eligible candidate. Otherwise, if I wrote about why I want to go into law, it would simply be cliche.

This personal statement has nothing to do with why I wish to pursue my studies in law, it has to do with the latter in order to show what I have learned and how I had coped with difficulties.

Bankhead, the Holocaust survivor literally said that coming to the U.S. was the end of his troubles and beginning of heaven. I wouldn't assume such on my own. I included him because I was inspired by how he said that one must always do the right thing even in the face of death and remain objective, which many people forget to do as a result of being blinded by short-term outcomes and profits.

mst, believe it or not, that sentence does not have any grammatical errors. I also abridged the two paragraphs together in order to make my personal statement fit within two pages. My Mother is supposed to depict a normative human being--one with flaws but still humane after all, and overcoming domestic violence is my adversity in this essay. As I mentioned above, my aim is not to show why I wish to pursue my studies in law but to come off as a mature candidate.

It may seem as though I'm opposing all kinds of criticism here, but I really do welcome constructive criticism and would revise my essay if needed. I'm simply not complying with your commentaries and advices because I am not in accordance.

Thanks, guys.

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Re: i refuse to write another draft after this.

Postby Non-Chalant1 » Sun Oct 31, 2010 1:30 pm

I would work on your sentence structure more than anything. The subject matter is fine if you believe in it. Some of those sentences early on were hard to read though. I knew what you mean, but it made me feel as though A) you were trying too hard to be wordy or B) you didn't edit it. It takes away from what is pretty decent narrative. Don't try to stuff so much information into one sentence. Other than that good luck! Where are you looking to apply?

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