first post, first draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
smoomerz
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 12:45 am

first post, first draft

Postby smoomerz » Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:14 pm

Duly noted. Thanks for your input.
Last edited by smoomerz on Sat Oct 23, 2010 5:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

smoomerz
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 12:45 am

Re: first post, first draft

Postby smoomerz » Sat Oct 23, 2010 12:49 pm

27 views and no comments... I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I'd be glad to trade or review the PS of anyone who asks. Thanks in advance.

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eliekedourie
Posts: 216
Joined: Sun Jun 20, 2010 6:27 pm

Re: first post, first draft

Postby eliekedourie » Sat Oct 23, 2010 12:54 pm

My gut reaction to the first paragraph was to roll my eyes. I felt cheated by the revelation that you were involved in a re-enactment rather than actual conflict. I don't think the hook is effective. You set the reader's expectations very high and then...ta da! You fail to meet them. It made me want to stop reading then and there. I would start your revisions by more honestly portraying your experiences that day or finding a more honest hook.

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bk1
Posts: 18407
Joined: Sun Mar 14, 2010 7:06 pm

Re: first post, first draft

Postby bk1 » Sat Oct 23, 2010 1:00 pm

Things that are bad (in no particular order):

1. Resume regurgitation.

2. Overdramatizing a war reenactment.

3. Bringing up the US Constitution.

4. Talking about your family for no reason.

5. Not having a focus.

6. Being vague.

7. Resume regurgitation (might have mentioned this earlier).

8. Saying "the real world."

Probably more but this really needs work. Scrap and start over.




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