comments to my first draft ps are sincerely requested.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
flyfree
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 12:49 pm

comments to my first draft ps are sincerely requested.

Postby flyfree » Fri Oct 22, 2010 2:47 pm

First, many thanks to whoever offers comments. After years of studying and researching in engineering schools, I have lost my ability to write an emotional story. Also, as a non-native English speaker, it is also unwise to push my English writing skills to a new level on this important document. So, my personal statement is a plain and succinct narration of my strength. I hope it is not too boring.

Second is my ps.

INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY AND BEYOND

I am currently working as a Scientific Advisor at Blank Firm, a New York based boutique firm specializing in intellectual property law. The primary responsibilities of my job mainly include drafting patent applications, prosecuting patent applications, conducting due diligence, and counseling clients on their patent portfolios. I have impressed my colleagues by showing great intelligence, high integrity, and an absolute commitment to delivering the highest quality of service. Under strong encouragement from my colleagues and several partners of the firm, I have decided to dedicate my time and efforts to obtaining a law degree with a specialty in intellectual property.

My prior academic experiences will ensure me, with full confidence, that I will excel in Blank School. I have successfully obtained multiple degrees from top universities in the U.S. and China. I have a Bachelor degree in Blank School, which is one of the top universities in China. I also have a Master degree in Blank School, which is the most prominent research organization in China. More importantly, I successfully obtained a Doctor of Philosophy degree in Blank School, whose engineering school is among the best ranked in the U.S.

I would like to emphasize that my journey toward obtaining a Ph.D. in the U.S. was quite challenging. 10 years ago, with the excitement of pursuing a Ph.D. degree in one of the best universities in the U.S., I left China while in my twenties. However, both cultural and language barriers were obstacles that I would have to overcome first, especially before I could fully commit myself to the required in-depth knowledge and technology associated with my Ph.D study. I remember the nervousness and embarrassment during the first year when I presented my research in English at every public opportunity. Each time, I felt shameful for not being able to express myself accurately and articulately. Regardless, I began to realize that my communication was improving each time I persevered and pushed myself to my limit. Gradually, both the cultural and language barriers became the least significant obstacles in my path to success. It is also worth noting that my Ph.D. dissertation involved the study of mechanical and chemical responses of a polymeric microactuator under electrical stimuli, which was a substantial shift from my undergraduate major. I spent more than 50 hours each week studying and researching during my years at Blank School. Eventually, my efforts and dedication paid off. As a result, in addition to obtaining a Ph.D. degree, I have published 4 articles in the most prestigious journals, as well as numerous proceedings in highly-respected international conferences.

What I will bring to the student body of Blank School is not only my extensive academic experiences, but also my unique views and perspectives that are originated from my relatively rich life experiences. In the past decade, I have transformed from a Chinese student arriving here with only a few suitcases to a father of two children and employed as a patent professional responsible for the counseling of clients. The social and economic transformation of my life based on the integration of both Chinese and U.S. cultural and societal values and norms has indeed allowed me to view and analyze issues from a unique perspective that may not be perceived by a fresh college graduate. I believe such a view will be invaluable to the spirit of Blank School.

My goal of obtaining a law degree reaches beyond just becoming a patent attorney. Throughout all the years that I have pursued my life in the U.S., society has accepted me and rewarded me generously. Whenever I faced important moments in my life such as defending my dissertation, interviewing for a job, and adjusting my immigration status, people have evaluated my requests and applications solely based on my experiences, achievements, and character, rather than my skin color, nationality, or other prejudices. Having a deep appreciation in my heart, I have decided to attend Blank School in order to greater understand the fundamental value system of this great society. In my pursuit of a law degree, what is beyond the intellectual property lies in a profound commitment that aims at learning, preserving, and promoting the great spirit of life in the American society.

tourdeforcex
Posts: 428
Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2010 2:19 pm

Re: comments to my first draft ps are sincerely requested.

Postby tourdeforcex » Sat Oct 23, 2010 4:11 pm

1) you write very well for a non-native English speaker. my parents immigrated to the States in their late twenties and their grasp of English is clearly not as strong as yours.

2) i understand the Chinese culture very well. it is understandable how your personal statement is a logical result of that background and that of an engineer.

3) comments: it is a good PS. adequate. you are correct that it risks being too boring. it is not an exciting story. note that a story can be exciting without being emotional. is this personal statement personal? in some ways, yes. it is your story (an admirable one) but do we get to understand you as a person--a person behind all the degrees and achievements?

4) the heart of your PS is in the 4th and 5th paragraphs. everything that the first, second, and third paragraphs offer can be understood from a glance at your resume. i want to know more about this: "In the past decade, I have transformed from a Chinese student arriving here with only a few suitcases to a father of two children and employed as a patent professional responsible for the counseling of clients." and this "Throughout all the years that I have pursued my life in the U.S., society has accepted me and rewarded me generously." and "In my pursuit of a law degree, what is beyond the intellectual property lies in a profound commitment that aims at learning, preserving, and promoting the great spirit of life in the American society."

what is the great spirit of life in the american society? write about that from your unique perspective.

5) small tactical things: in your second paragraph you qualify your schools as being "one of the top universities in China," "the most prominent research organization in China," and "whose engineering school is among the best ranked in the U.S." i feel this is excessive. it is fine to specify and explain for the Chinese schools but is the final U.S. engineering school necessary? if it is really one of the best ranked, it should be known. If you were speaking to another person from China, one would not need to qualify "Tsinghua Da Xue" as "one of the best schools in the China" "Tsinghua" would be sufficient and possibly stronger. Same if you were speaking to another prospective law student, one would not need to qualify "Harvard Law School" as "one of the best schools in the US." Everyone considering a career in law should know HLS is a great school.

change this: "I would like to emphasize that my journey toward obtaining a Ph.D. in the U.S. was quite challenging." to "My journey obtaining a Ph.D. in the U.S. was challenging." that is stronger.

zhu ni hao yun. feel free to PM w/ a response. i check my account once in a while.




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