First draft of PS - adoption and autism

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
novab
Posts: 82
Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2010 12:27 pm

First draft of PS - adoption and autism

Postby novab » Fri Oct 22, 2010 2:41 pm

...worried about if it comes off well.


..pm if you would like to read (i'll read yours too and critique if you like!)
Last edited by novab on Fri Oct 22, 2010 9:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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gdane
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Re: First draft of PS - adoption and autism

Postby gdane » Fri Oct 22, 2010 2:52 pm

Its a nice statement, but the theme is overused. The "why I want to be a lawyer" theme is one that admissions committees see over and over.

Also, correct me if Im wrong, but you yourself didnt do anything other than becoming a self professed "autism guru". Schools want to see that youve actually had some experience in what you say you want to do. Simply saying "I want to save the world" without having done anything toward that end makes your personal statement weak.

Form wise, its very good. It flows well and its interesting. While this may be a good story or character sketch, its not a good law school personal statement. Im sorry.

Try to find something that you did that would give your statement credibility. Remember that you dont just want to tell law schools what you would/want to do, you want to show them that youve already done something to that end. Show, dont just tell.

novab
Posts: 82
Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2010 12:27 pm

Re: First draft of PS - adoption and autism

Postby novab » Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:00 pm

Right I totally understand what you are saying. Like I mentioned this is the first draft and it was more about getting the story part down on paper.

I volunteer for Autism Speaks, have spoken at functions, ran three marathons for Autism Speaks, have raised over $15,000 and have hosted a charity golf tournament. My life (especially since graduating from UG three years ago and Grad school two years ago) has revolved around raising awareness about autism and raising money for charities to fund research and assist families.

In my situation I do what I can now, but without a law degree I am unable to as much as I know I am capable of doing.

Would it be better if I add a section in the PS about what I have already been doing to help the cause?

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sundance95
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Re: First draft of PS - adoption and autism

Postby sundance95 » Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:03 pm

novab wrote:I volunteer for Autism Speaks, have spoken at functions, ran three marathons for Autism Speaks, have raised over $15,000 and have hosted a charity golf tournament. My life (especially since graduating from UG three years ago and Grad school two years ago) has revolved around raising awareness about autism and raising money for charities to fund research and assist families.


Why aren't these included in your PS? I think adcomms would be more interested in this then the emotional pathos in your current draft.

novab
Posts: 82
Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2010 12:27 pm

Re: First draft of PS - adoption and autism

Postby novab » Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:11 pm

I guess I just wasnt sure about coming off as bragging about what I do and was instead trying to tell why i am passionate about helping families with disabilities.

I definitely understand what you both are saying though and will work on adding a paragraph on that in to my statement. I agree that it will help to show that not only do I have the desire to "do great things" but I am doing what I can now.

Thanks so much for the input :)

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gdane
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Re: First draft of PS - adoption and autism

Postby gdane » Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:24 pm

sundance95 wrote:
novab wrote:I volunteer for Autism Speaks, have spoken at functions, ran three marathons for Autism Speaks, have raised over $15,000 and have hosted a charity golf tournament. My life (especially since graduating from UG three years ago and Grad school two years ago) has revolved around raising awareness about autism and raising money for charities to fund research and assist families.


Why aren't these included in your PS? I think adcomms would be more interested in this then the emotional pathos in your current draft.

Correct. Put those in your statement. Youre not bragging. Youre adding credibility to your story. Any person could say "Yea I want to be a lawyer so I can help african babies", but that doesnt have as much an impact as "As a member of the peace corps I supplied food to impoverished children in Africa. Seeing the lack of legal resources that made getting aid to them difficult, I decided that I wanted to remedy that by becoming an attorney".

See the difference? The second statement is much stronger and shows that the person is committed.

Include your work. Also, thats awesome of you.




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