PS Draft - tear it apart

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ATR
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PS Draft - tear it apart

Postby ATR » Fri Oct 22, 2010 1:09 pm

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Last edited by ATR on Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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plenipotentiary
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Re: PS Draft - tear it apart

Postby plenipotentiary » Fri Oct 22, 2010 1:20 pm

It's well written, but try to minimize your use of jargon, and cut the last paragraph altogether.

ATR
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Re: PS Draft - tear it apart

Postby ATR » Fri Oct 22, 2010 1:22 pm

plenipotentiary wrote:It's well written, but try to minimize your use of jargon, and cut the last paragraph altogether.

Thanks for the input.

I tried to use jargon to make the reader empathize with being unfamiliar with a position yet having to take on extensive responsibility. I guess it didn't work :lol:

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Re: PS Draft - tear it apart

Postby plenipotentiary » Fri Oct 22, 2010 1:33 pm

atresia wrote:
plenipotentiary wrote:It's well written, but try to minimize your use of jargon, and cut the last paragraph altogether.

Thanks for the input.

I tried to use jargon to make the reader empathize with being unfamiliar with a position yet having to take on extensive responsibility. I guess it didn't work :lol:


I think it works if you only do it one time (in the third sentence). But take this sentence: "My honors thesis, which investigates the social elements inherent in American struggles of compulsory health insurance, is supplemented by the research I help conduct as a co-investigator at the XYZ."

Don't you think there might be a less clunky way to say that? What are the "American struggles of compulsory health insurance?" Don't you think your thesis and your research each deserve their own sentences?

ATR
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Re: PS Draft - tear it apart

Postby ATR » Fri Oct 22, 2010 1:36 pm

plenipotentiary wrote:I think it works if you only do it one time (in the third sentence). But take this sentence: "My honors thesis, which investigates the social elements inherent in American struggles of compulsory health insurance, is supplemented by the research I help conduct as a co-investigator at the XYZ."

Don't you think there might be a less clunky way to say that? What are the "American struggles of compulsory health insurance?" Don't you think your thesis and your research each deserve their own sentences?

Good point. I'll try to simplify those concepts in two different sentences. I describe my thesis in detail in my resume, so I guess it could be better to give a very simple description of it in the PS.

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Re: PS Draft - tear it apart

Postby plenipotentiary » Fri Oct 22, 2010 1:38 pm

atresia wrote:
plenipotentiary wrote:I think it works if you only do it one time (in the third sentence). But take this sentence: "My honors thesis, which investigates the social elements inherent in American struggles of compulsory health insurance, is supplemented by the research I help conduct as a co-investigator at the XYZ."

Don't you think there might be a less clunky way to say that? What are the "American struggles of compulsory health insurance?" Don't you think your thesis and your research each deserve their own sentences?

Good point. I'll try to simplify those concepts in two different sentences. I describe my thesis in detail in my resume, so I guess it could be better to give a very simple description of it in the PS.


I think it might be better to reverse those, actually (short description in the resume, long description in the PS). Though I guess it depends on what else is on your resume.

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Re: PS Draft - tear it apart

Postby ATR » Fri Oct 22, 2010 1:40 pm

I should clarify - by "long description," I mean basically what I put in the PS, plus further definition of the data collection time periods. So, essentially one extra sentence.

elonlawgrad
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Re: PS Draft - tear it apart

Postby elonlawgrad » Fri Oct 22, 2010 1:55 pm

I think you’re trying to explain why you want to go practice law…

I understand writing in present tense; but I think it may read better if you change it to past tense.

I would take this paragraph out: This is how I stay calm, by constantly thinking about my next obligation, plotting my next action… I think it’s good to say how you keep your composure under stress; but I the lunch and chairs and hugs are unnecessary for what you’re trying to convey.

Three months later…. Don’t like that sentence. They don’t care that it was three months later. I think it would read better to say XYZ’s goal is ABC (start the paragraph with this). Then discuss how it played a part choosing your thesis topic (assuming that is what happened). Then discuss how the two interact and how those experiences solidified your interest in healthcare law. Don’t like the last sentence of that paragraph.

I’m not sure the purpose of the “hearing a knock on my door” paragraph. At one point you are talking about increased responsibility and then you are talking about a decline in responsibility. It seems to indicate you are confused about what you want.

Overall I think it really needs some work.

ATR
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Re: PS Draft - tear it apart

Postby ATR » Fri Oct 22, 2010 1:59 pm

elonlawgrad wrote:I think you’re trying to explain why you want to go practice law…

I understand writing in present tense; but I think it may read better if you change it to past tense.

I would take this paragraph out: This is how I stay calm, by constantly thinking about my next obligation, plotting my next action… I think it’s good to say how you keep your composure under stress; but I the lunch and chairs and hugs are unnecessary for what you’re trying to convey.

Three months later…. Don’t like that sentence. They don’t care that it was three months later. I think it would read better to say XYZ’s goal is ABC (start the paragraph with this). Then discuss how it played a part choosing your thesis topic (assuming that is what happened). Then discuss how the two interact and how those experiences solidified your interest in healthcare law. Don’t like the last sentence of that paragraph.

I’m not sure the purpose of the “hearing a knock on my door” paragraph. At one point you are talking about increased responsibility and then you are talking about a decline in responsibility. It seems to indicate you are confused about what you want.

Overall I think it really needs some work.

Thanks for your input.

I'll consider changing that. I've read that it's preferable to write in an active voice and in the present tense, but if I can't make it work, I'll adjust.

I mention the decreased responsibility because I started back as a full-time student in August. That's why I included the information about my summer hours. It's not that I'm wishy-washy about my goals, it's that I simply don't have time to work full-time while being enrolled as a full-time student. If that's how it came across to you, though, I need to work on conveying that.

elonlawgrad
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Re: PS Draft - tear it apart

Postby elonlawgrad » Fri Oct 22, 2010 2:05 pm

atresia wrote:
elonlawgrad wrote:I think you’re trying to explain why you want to go practice law…

I understand writing in present tense; but I think it may read better if you change it to past tense.

I would take this paragraph out: This is how I stay calm, by constantly thinking about my next obligation, plotting my next action… I think it’s good to say how you keep your composure under stress; but I the lunch and chairs and hugs are unnecessary for what you’re trying to convey.

Three months later…. Don’t like that sentence. They don’t care that it was three months later. I think it would read better to say XYZ’s goal is ABC (start the paragraph with this). Then discuss how it played a part choosing your thesis topic (assuming that is what happened). Then discuss how the two interact and how those experiences solidified your interest in healthcare law. Don’t like the last sentence of that paragraph.

I’m not sure the purpose of the “hearing a knock on my door” paragraph. At one point you are talking about increased responsibility and then you are talking about a decline in responsibility. It seems to indicate you are confused about what you want.

Overall I think it really needs some work.

Thanks for your input.

I'll consider changing that. I've read that it's preferable to write in an active voice and in the present tense, but if I can't make it work, I'll adjust.

I mention the decreased responsibility because I started back as a full-time student in August. That's why I included the information about my summer hours. It's not that I'm wishy-washy about my goals, it's that I simply don't have time to work full-time while being enrolled as a full-time student. If that's how it came across to you, though, I need to work on conveying that.



I guess each person has a preference for present or past tense....whatever makes you happy. I would work on clarifying, but I'm still not sure what you're trying to say when you're talking about work hours anyway. What is your main purpose?

ATR
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Re: PS Draft - tear it apart

Postby ATR » Fri Oct 22, 2010 2:08 pm

elonlawgrad wrote:I guess each person has a preference for present or past tense....whatever makes you happy. I would work on clarifying, but I'm still not sure what you're trying to say when you're talking about work hours anyway. What is your main purpose?

What I'm trying to convey is that, while I was nervous to assume an increased responsibility, that experience has solidified my interest in pursuing a career in health law. The hours part is to hint at the fact that, as an undergraduate, I am executing tasks at work which previously were done by someone with an advanced degree and published research. I've risen to the occasion, essentially.

elonlawgrad
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Re: PS Draft - tear it apart

Postby elonlawgrad » Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:09 pm

atresia wrote:
elonlawgrad wrote:I guess each person has a preference for present or past tense....whatever makes you happy. I would work on clarifying, but I'm still not sure what you're trying to say when you're talking about work hours anyway. What is your main purpose?

What I'm trying to convey is that, while I was nervous to assume an increased responsibility, that experience has solidified my interest in pursuing a career in health law. The hours part is to hint at the fact that, as an undergraduate, I am executing tasks at work which previously were done by someone with an advanced degree and published research. I've risen to the occasion, essentially.


Then say that. Tell them what you want them to know. Don't ask them to read between the lines. I think what you just wrote was a lot more clear than what is actually in the PS as of now.

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$1.99
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Re: PS Draft - tear it apart

Postby $1.99 » Fri Oct 22, 2010 5:20 pm

I think the jargon is ok with your ps because it isn't necessary for the readers to know what they mean to understand your message and story. they know what your job is and what your tasks were.




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