Brutality Requested

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
X_Soda
Posts: 92
Joined: Sat May 22, 2010 6:41 am

Brutality Requested

Postby X_Soda » Tue Oct 19, 2010 8:18 pm

!
Last edited by X_Soda on Thu Oct 21, 2010 5:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Destined
Posts: 65
Joined: Sun Aug 08, 2010 3:55 pm

Re: Brutality Requested

Postby Destined » Tue Oct 19, 2010 8:29 pm

might want to tone down the nerd-words buddy. I had the same problem when I first wrote my PS too. Theyll be able to tell you are smart from youre LSAT & GPA not the words you use in your PS

X_Soda
Posts: 92
Joined: Sat May 22, 2010 6:41 am

Re: Brutality Requested

Postby X_Soda » Tue Oct 19, 2010 8:53 pm

Hm, any specific passage that seem particularly undermined by my diction? I'm definitely not attempting to be pompous or prove my intelligence with my word choice, just trying to use precise language and variety in rhythm, but if it comes off as pretentious I'd like to know which parts I should "tone down."

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capitalacq
Posts: 639
Joined: Thu Feb 05, 2009 2:42 am

Re: Brutality Requested

Postby capitalacq » Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:23 pm

X_Soda wrote:Hm, any specific passage that seem particularly undermined by my diction? I'm definitely not attempting to be pompous or prove my intelligence with my word choice, just trying to use precise language and variety in rhythm, but if it comes off as pretentious I'd like to know which parts I should "tone down."

the last paragraph for sure.

IMO, I read this and feel like I still know almost nothing about you. I really don't think the first two paragraphs add anything that couldn't be expressed in 1-2 sentences. All I know is that you played a musical instrument and undertook learning spanish. Other than that, I know nothing.

...began to recognize an aspect of my job at XXX that I had long overlooked: a burgeoning Hispanic clientele using XXX as a resource for learning English. Building on our shared necessity to strengthen our communication, I forged numerous fruitful relationships within the Hispanic community... I attempted to help immigrants with little work experience find jobs, heard tales of anti-immigration violence, and witnessed the results of families torn apart by merciless deportations, the same suffocating ignorance I felt at my girlfriend’s house returned to me


Maybe you could be more illustrative of who you are if you focus on one of these things and can show who you are through your narrative of that experience? I'd just take a step back and think of what you can talk about where you can really show the adcomms who you are

firemed
Posts: 1195
Joined: Wed Aug 11, 2010 7:36 pm

Re: Brutality Requested

Postby firemed » Tue Oct 19, 2010 10:29 pm

Too many adjectives and adverbs is worse than not enough. You could increase meaningful content by decreasing flowery language and replacing. Now, I love flowery language... but not for a PS for law school. Direct, hard, powerful language. Like a quickey... not like romantic, you know?

X_Soda
Posts: 92
Joined: Sat May 22, 2010 6:41 am

Re: Brutality Requested

Postby X_Soda » Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:45 pm

capitalacq wrote:
X_Soda wrote:Hm, any specific passage that seem particularly undermined by my diction? I'm definitely not attempting to be pompous or prove my intelligence with my word choice, just trying to use precise language and variety in rhythm, but if it comes off as pretentious I'd like to know which parts I should "tone down."

the last paragraph for sure.

IMO, I read this and feel like I still know almost nothing about you. I really don't think the first two paragraphs add anything that couldn't be expressed in 1-2 sentences. All I know is that you played a musical instrument and undertook learning spanish. Other than that, I know nothing.


Yeah, I'm finding it somewhat difficult to develop a comprehensive view of "me" given this topic and space. If I focus on what I actually did with the Hispanic community, I'm afraid it'd just look like some pretentious do-gooder brownie point seeking nonsense. The function of the first two paragraphs was to exemplify the emotional shock of that moment and discuss a radical shift in my world view. Does it fail in this regard? And, if so, what could I add/subtract to get that point across?

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2014
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Re: Brutality Requested

Postby 2014 » Wed Oct 20, 2010 9:59 pm

I think you are overly dramatic with the importance of spanish. To call a lack of spanish knowledge ignorance or humiliating is excessive in my opinion.

I think your intro could be stronger, it didn't really grab me and it didn't reflect the direction the rest of your passage went. If you really want to focus on a total shift from music to language, it should be more clear.

I would not say you "abandoned" philosophy and literature. Abandoning something is almost universally a negative concept and if you don't have to shine a negative attitude on yourself, why do it?


Bring out more of you in it overall too. Like someone above said, I don't feel like I know you now. I feel like I know why you are dedicated to spanish, and your story is a very good example, but you don't really paint a picture of yourself other than someone who might change their life's direction on a whim and who really likes spanish.


Well written though, some good imagery in there.




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