Rough Draft, please rip apart if needed

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StillHerexxx
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Rough Draft, please rip apart if needed

Postby StillHerexxx » Tue Oct 19, 2010 8:12 pm

Here is my draft, it proably isn't too crisp because its a first draft, but I just want to know if it makes sense and what not. PLEASE, if it sounds condesending or asshole in any parts let me know. Thats exactly what I wanted to avoid.



It all began in a dank and crumbling garage during the frigid winter in 2003. Everyone was drinking alcohol for Joey’s birthday. As I sat there shivering, from the cold and nerves, I knew this was not what I wanted. When my friend Fuller cracked a beer open in my face, I said no. His response: “I got your brother to drink by hitting him until he did”. I clenched my small freshman frame in preparation for the beating the 6’5 350 pound senior was about to give me.

I have never drunk alcohol, smoked a cigarette, or consumed any drugs. This is known as a straight edge lifestyle—a movement originated in the underground music scene in the early 1980s. While it has almost been 8 years since I chose to follow this path, it all began on that faithful night.

Until that night I did not realize how strongly I was against using any mind altering substances. Soon after, I found out about the straight edge lifestyle from some of my older friends. I was instantly sold on this way of life. Of course, I was drawn to it because I would not be pressured to drink and because being straight edge gave me a whole new network of friends.

There is no denying that I began claiming straight edge partially to gain friends, but my commitment has stayed with me. While it started because I was against using any drugs and wanted to gain friends, it has morphed into more than that. I still have friends that claim straight edge, but many do not. I am not against other people drinking or using other substances. Through the years, friends and family alike have questioned whether I feel superior to others because of my abstinence. The answer is simple. No. If you are over 21, I will be the first person to buy you a drink and will toast to happiness with my root beer. Straight edge is my personal commitment.

Being straight edge has also led me to be a determined person. I have been told for 8 years that I will begin drinking—when I turned 18, when I went to college, and when I turned 21. This has yet to materialize. What has materialized for me is confidence. I realize that I can accomplish anything I want in life as long as I work hard and believe in what I am doing. No matter how many people tell me that I cannot be straight edge my whole life, how many people attempt to make me drink, and how many people believe that I am wasting my youth by not using alcohol or other substances, I will never give in. I am determined to make my lot in life better.

I believe that being straight edge has helped me a great deal. It has given me a clear perspective in which to view the world. My life is not ruled by addiction—except for football. My drive and commitment rule my life (chiasmus baby). This has given me a very positive view in life. Rather than caving in and losing myself when things are not looking good, I am determined to do my best. While I realize working hard and being determined only takes a person so far, I am willing to commit myself to making my life better; whether it is through staying straight edge or working hard in school.

Ultimately, I am straight edge because I am committed to reaching my potential, and for me, straight edge has helped me near this goal. Whether it is overcoming a mountain of a man or a mountain of law school books, I will overcome those obstacles because I am determined and will never stop believing in myself.

hairysob
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Re: Rough Draft, please rip apart if needed

Postby hairysob » Tue Oct 19, 2010 8:50 pm

The biggest problem here is your topic, not your tone. You're essentially telling adcoms: "I don't drink or do drugs. Admit me." That's not all that impressive - my guess is billions of people worldwide do the same thing.

I'd start over with a new topic.

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StillHerexxx
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Re: Rough Draft, please rip apart if needed

Postby StillHerexxx » Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:04 pm

Well in that case, I completely missed my point or you did. Not sure which one of us did. More comments, Please?

CanadianWolf
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Re: Rough Draft, please rip apart if needed

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:04 pm

"Fateful night" not "faithful night".

I agree 100% with hairysob.

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StillHerexxx
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Re: Rough Draft, please rip apart if needed

Postby StillHerexxx » Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:54 pm

I guess I need to do a better job on it then. The whole point is to use straight edge as a touchstone. I don't think its different than a PS discussing a death that caused change or any other struggle or life experience. In the end, each is using a life experience to exemplify a change that happened and how it affected each of us. I try to make it clear that I don't care if you drink, smoke, do crack, eat children, or if you agree with my lifestyle. What matters to me is the drive and commitment that my choice has given me.

I am not being defensive though, I just want to explain the though process behind it. Clearly, I made a disconnect between this. And maybe, it is boring because it does follow the same boring path as so many others.

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kaftka juice
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Re: Rough Draft, please rip apart if needed

Postby kaftka juice » Tue Oct 19, 2010 10:43 pm

StillHerexxx wrote:I guess I need to do a better job on it then. The whole point is to use straight edge as a touchstone. I don't think its different than a PS discussing a death that caused change or any other struggle or life experience. In the end, each is using a life experience to exemplify a change that happened and how it affected each of us. I try to make it clear that I don't care if you drink, smoke, do crack, eat children, or if you agree with my lifestyle. What matters to me is the drive and commitment that my choice has given me.

I am not being defensive though, I just want to explain the though process behind it. Clearly, I made a disconnect between this. And maybe, it is boring because it does follow the same boring path as so many others.


The issue is not so much about you caring about what others do (although I personally do not condone eating children), but rather that the topic does little to convince law schools to admit you. I understand you are trying to talk about how being straight edge affected your life positively, but I don't think this is enough to feature it as your main topic. If you want to include it, I would put it as an example of how you are disciplined/committed.

I think you will have a lot more success if you choose a topic that shows the law school more than just dedication and commitment. I recommend looking at Ken's advice here http://www.top-law-schools.com/chapter2.html to see what type of information you should be including in your ps.

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$1.99
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Re: Rough Draft, please rip apart if needed

Postby $1.99 » Tue Oct 19, 2010 10:57 pm

lol this is one of the worst topics i have read on TLS. that is saying a lot when i just read one about farts last night.

it is obvious that you completely missed the point of a PS. maybe you do need to crack open a beer and go get some fresh air. your straight edge lifestyle isn't that special. and most important, it does nothing to convince me that you would add to a law school environment or succeed in law school. actually it should contribute to you failing because drinking is a huge factor in the law school scene.

if you have trouble changing topics, go crack open a beer and relax.

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StillHerexxx
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Re: Rough Draft, please rip apart if needed

Postby StillHerexxx » Tue Oct 19, 2010 11:26 pm

Thanks Kaftka Juice, that was helpful. It makes sense, I was going for the commitment too strong. Back to the drawing board.
$1.99, you are an idiot. My straight edge lifestyle isn't that different, then you contend that I wouldn't fit in and would fail out because drinking is a huge part of the law school scene. Very impressive reasoning skills.

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esq
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Re: Rough Draft, please rip apart if needed

Postby esq » Tue Oct 19, 2010 11:38 pm

I agree with what has been said here. You should start over, pick another topic maybe - this one makes you seem very immature.

And one question:
Whether it is overcoming a mountain of a man . . .

What does this even mean, or are you trying to hint at some sort of lifestyle preference for diversity reasons? Either way, I don't get it.

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$1.99
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Re: Rough Draft, please rip apart if needed

Postby $1.99 » Tue Oct 19, 2010 11:40 pm

thanks, although my reasoning skills pale in comparison to your gaudy LSAT score in the 150s. and stop using the term "straight edge". it impresses no one.

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StillHerexxx
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Re: Rough Draft, please rip apart if needed

Postby StillHerexxx » Tue Oct 19, 2010 11:41 pm

haha no. I was trying to connect a narrative strand--the massive senior one from the beginning. I definitly have some work ahead of me, but its my first attempt, so its to be expected.

lolol10
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Re: Rough Draft, please rip apart if needed

Postby lolol10 » Tue Oct 19, 2010 11:43 pm

make yourself valuable to the program you want to be admitted to. im not sure i understand why you even want to go to law school. all i get is drugs and the like are bad mmmmmmkkkk. its a decent idea but i wouldnt construct your entire essay around this. use it as a supplementary point.

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StillHerexxx
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Re: Rough Draft, please rip apart if needed

Postby StillHerexxx » Tue Oct 19, 2010 11:46 pm

Congratulations for doing well on the LSAT. You can study how to take a test and do well on it, doesn't make you special or intelligent. Everyone on here that knew how to study for it seems to have gotten a 165 plus. I simply pointed out you are stupid. You made a claim and then completely opposed it right after. I don't think an LSAT score has anything to do with this. It's simple common sense.

lolol10
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Re: Rough Draft, please rip apart if needed

Postby lolol10 » Tue Oct 19, 2010 11:49 pm

$1.99 wrote:lol this is one of the worst topics i have read on TLS. that is saying a lot when i just read one about farts last night.

it is obvious that you completely missed the point of a PS. maybe you do need to crack open a beer and go get some fresh air. your straight edge lifestyle isn't that special. and most important, it does nothing to convince me that you would add to a law school environment or succeed in law school. actually it should contribute to you failing because drinking is a huge factor in the law school scene.

if you have trouble changing topics, go crack open a beer and relax.



haha poignant, quite true. +1

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$1.99
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Re: Rough Draft, please rip apart if needed

Postby $1.99 » Tue Oct 19, 2010 11:58 pm

buddy you need to take it easy. i just pointed out that you had a horrible PS. your self-righteous attitude just permeates throughout the whole PS. why don't you also claim to not watch porn in your room.

lastly, your LSAT score shows me you are borderline retarded. my practice test in 12th grade was higher than that. i am pretty sure blinding guessing would get you that score just as well. please stop wasting time here and go write a new PS.

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gin
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Re: Rough Draft, please rip apart if needed

Postby gin » Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:45 am

I don't think its different than a PS discussing a death that caused change or any other struggle or life experience


There is a big difference on losing someone you love and choosing not to drink or do drugs. Disclaimer: I don't drink or do drugs either but it has been far from a struggle.
I agree with everyone here: you need to change the topic. This one makes you seem kind of shallow

CaliforniaGurl
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Re: Rough Draft, please rip apart if needed

Postby CaliforniaGurl » Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:19 pm

There is no denying that I began claiming straight edge partially to gain friends


not a good look for you in a ps

[/quote]It has given me a clear perspective in which to view the world. My life is not ruled by addiction—except for football.[/quote]

as one who enjoys a good glass of wine or a beer here and there, i think this is where your ps sounds arrogant and ignorant. drinking and smoking recreationally don't distort your perspective in which to view your world, nor does consumption = addiction. also, rethink the word "addiction" because i'm not sure your love of football falls under the definition.

Ultimately, I am straight edge because I am committed to reaching my potential


you'll probably see the guy or girl drinking on MTWTHF destroying the curve in 1L.

btw, is "straight edge" now a culturally accepted standard term for abstinence? is sex included too?

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StillHerexxx
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Re: Rough Draft, please rip apart if needed

Postby StillHerexxx » Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:41 pm

Not really. Its actually a lifestyle that stems from the hardcore music scene. So most people have no clue what it is, or if they do, they consider it as a gang--which it is in Salt Lake and the city of Rheno. They have constructed massive gang files on it, but straight edge is in no way a gang. Thats kind of what I wanted to tackle, the perceptions that people have on the lifestyle, but I missed the mark. As far as no sex, in the original creation of straight edge by the band minor threat, it was part of it--their singer's phrase was "I don't drink, smoke, or fuck". But today, not many people care about that part. I figured that was somethign to stay away from in it, I am sure no one reading it wants to hear about sex.

I threw the football thing in there to try to show we all have things we are in a sense obsessed with, but you are correct that addiction was the wrong word and I never discussed addiction so it was rather useless to add it at the end.

But, I am scraping the whole thing.

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esq
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Re: Rough Draft, please rip apart if needed

Postby esq » Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:49 pm

they consider it as a gang--which it is in Salt Lake


When did the Mormons reach gang status?

shoop
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Re: Rough Draft, please rip apart if needed

Postby shoop » Wed Oct 20, 2010 6:33 pm

I don't know if adcomms hung out with the same sort of people I did in high school, or even if straightedge was a "thing" when adcomms were in high school, but I know that I have a very specific impression/preconception in my head from every straightedge kid I've ever met. And the thing is, you don't know if that impression is a) favorable or even b) remotely close to how you really are. Do you want to risk it?

I just glanced over the rest of the comments and it seems maybe others have alluded to some of the stuff that comes to MY mind when I think sXe.




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