Anyone want to critique a PS?

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TheOcho
Posts: 394
Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 9:46 pm

Anyone want to critique a PS?

Postby TheOcho » Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:13 pm

I have school specific paragraphs to add at the end of this for targets and reaches that don't specifically ask for a "Why X", as well. Thanks in advance.


It’s 6:30 in the morning. Sweat drips from my shirtless body as the awakening sun pounds on my neck and back. After a few minutes of rest outside, it’s time to go back to work. I walk into the shaded comfort of my garage, pick up my tools and continue to hone my skill. The shots I fire ripple the tattered netting hanging from the aluminum goal. After years of repeating this exact routine, the process is instinctive. As one of roughly two hundred and forty hockey players my age chosen to attend the national select festival and a college hockey recruit, I am statistically one of the best players in the nation. This fact provides no comfort, however. My desire is not to blend in with the most talented players in the nation; my desire is to stand out. After an hour, my initial workout of the day is complete. After a brief stretch, I will head to the local YMCA where the strength of my legs will be tested. Walking up the stairs after the completion of the workout is frequently the most difficult aspect of the entire endeavor. My legs are unstable and increasingly tremble with each successive step I take. The burning sensation and soreness that corresponds with this process is not something I fear. On the contrary, the presence of those feelings during such a rudimentary task is assurance that I have pushed myself. The more pain I feel after a workout, the more pain a competitor will need to endure to keep up. This brings a smile to my face.

It’s 6:30 in the morning. The rich scent of the coffee bean is spread throughout the room by a cool breeze flowing through the window. The pages lying in front of me are stained with the strokes from my Quill highlighter. The book, The Road to Serfdom by Nobel Laureate F.A. Hayek, is not required reading. As a political science major the possibility of a partisan message is ever present. For this reason, I often supplement class material with other relevant documents from different scholarly perspectives. The next book in line comes from the opposite end of the spectrum with Paul Krugman’s The Conscience of a Liberal, another Nobel Laureate.

I finish the chapter I’m reading and begin reviewing the material that will be covered in class today. The process is eerily similar to the one I followed when training to be an elite athlete. My day starts early, I work long hours, and I reap the benefits. Although the routine and end goal are entirely different, one aspect never changes; my desire to improve is like an unquenchable thirst. It did not matter how skilled I became on the hockey rink, as I always wanted to improve more. This theme recurs in my pursuits as an aspiring academic and scholar. The honors and Dean’s List awards I receive are appreciated, yet I still cannot restrain my desire to expand my knowledge base. Although the pursuit towards athletic superiority has ended for me, as it will eventually for everyone, the pursuit for greater knowledge can continue indefinitely. My passion for this intellectual growth is the defining factor that has pushed me to seek acceptance to law school and will ultimately guide me towards success during my legal career.

Steppinchoi
Posts: 22
Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2008 4:09 am

Re: Anyone want to critique a PS?

Postby Steppinchoi » Tue Oct 19, 2010 10:12 pm

TheOcho wrote:I have school specific paragraphs to add at the end of this for targets and reaches that don't specifically ask for a "Why X", as well. Thanks in advance.


It’s 6:30 in the morning. Sweat drips from my shirtless body as the awakening sun pounds on my neck and back. After a few minutes of rest outside, it’s time to go back to work. I walk into the shaded comfort of my garage, pick up my tools and continue to hone my skill. The shots I fire ripple the tattered netting hanging from the aluminum goal. After years of repeating this exact routine, the process is instinctive. As one of roughly two hundred and forty hockey players my age chosen to attend the national select festival and a college hockey recruit, I am statistically one of the best players in the nation. This fact provides no comfort, however. My desire is not to blend in with the most talented players in the nation; my desire is to stand out. After an hour, my initial workout of the day is complete. After a brief stretch, I will head to the local YMCA where the strength of my legs will be tested. Walking up the stairs after the completion of the workout is frequently the most difficult aspect of the entire endeavor. My legs are unstable and increasingly tremble with each successive step I take. The burning sensation and soreness that corresponds with this process is not something I fear. On the contrary, the presence of those feelings during such a rudimentary task is assurance that I have pushed myself. The more pain I feel after a workout, the more pain a competitor will need to endure to keep up. This brings a smile to my face.

It’s 6:30 in the morning. The rich scent of the coffee bean is spread throughout the room by a cool breeze flowing through the window. The pages lying in front of me are stained with the strokes from my Quill highlighter. The book, The Road to Serfdom by Nobel Laureate F.A. Hayek, is not required reading. As a political science major the possibility of a partisan message is ever present. For this reason, I often supplement class material with other relevant documents from different scholarly perspectives. The next book in line comes from the opposite end of the spectrum with Paul Krugman’s The Conscience of a Liberal, another Nobel Laureate.

I finish the chapter I’m reading and begin reviewing the material that will be covered in class today. The process is eerily similar to the one I followed when training to be an elite athlete. My day starts early, I work long hours, and I reap the benefits. Although the routine and end goal are entirely different, one aspect never changes; my desire to improve is like an unquenchable thirst. It did not matter how skilled I became on the hockey rink, as I always wanted to improve more. This theme recurs in my pursuits as an aspiring academic and scholar. The honors and Dean’s List awards I receive are appreciated, yet I still cannot restrain my desire to expand my knowledge base. Although the pursuit towards athletic superiority has ended for me, as it will eventually for everyone, the pursuit for greater knowledge can continue indefinitely. My passion for this intellectual growth is the defining factor that has pushed me to seek acceptance to law school and will ultimately guide me towards success during my legal career.


I would change increasingly tremble to tremble increasingly

"The more pain I feel after a workout, the more pain a competitor will need to endure to keep up. This brings a smile to my face."
This sounds extremely cynical haha... I would consider rewriting that part

You did a good job of "showing, not telling" in the first paragraph... but it doesn't seem to carry over as well in the second. The second paragraph feels a bit empty so you might want to add some more about pushing yourself and striving for academic excellence.

I would also consider not mentioning dean's list or honors... Sort of sounds like you're bragging although I know that is probably not your intent... Something really special like the college recruit I can understand pointing out, but I don't think dean's list or honors falls in the same category

Hope this helped!

antonin
Posts: 130
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2009 7:44 pm

Re: Anyone want to critique a PS?

Postby antonin » Tue Oct 19, 2010 10:26 pm

It’s 6:30 in the morning. The rich scent of the coffee bean is spread throughout the room by a cool breeze flowing through the window. The pages lying in front of me are stained with the strokes from my Quill highlighter. The book, The Road to Serfdom by Nobel Laureate F.A. Hayek, is not required reading. As a political science major the possibility of a partisan message is ever present. For this reason, I often supplement class material with other relevant documents from different scholarly perspectives. The next book in line comes from the opposite end of the spectrum with Paul Krugman’s The Conscience of a Liberal, another Nobel Laureate.

This paragraph is plain horrible. Name-dropping, where are your argumentative skills...?
Me saying I read Einstein for breakfast, and wittgenstein for lunch does not make me a better law candidate, especially when i also mention the books and the awards of the personalities. Millions of people read books, no point to mention titles.

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Cupidity
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Joined: Sun Jun 07, 2009 10:21 pm

Re: Anyone want to critique a PS?

Postby Cupidity » Tue Oct 19, 2010 10:31 pm

Starts like cheap erotica.

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Shooter
Posts: 474
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 1:39 am

Re: Anyone want to critique a PS?

Postby Shooter » Tue Oct 19, 2010 10:36 pm

^This.

At least it ends with a smile on his face...

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$1.99
Posts: 684
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2010 1:49 am

Re: Anyone want to critique a PS?

Postby $1.99 » Tue Oct 19, 2010 10:52 pm

this PS brought a smile to my face because it was poorly written.

too many unnecessary details that don't add to telling who you are. i think you are trying to be a drama queen. describing sweat flowing down your naked body doesn't make you seem more athletic and name dropping books doesn't make you seem more scholarly. both of these things make you seem like you attempted to write poetically but you were just too incompetent to succeed in doing so.

try being more simplistic and focusing on one thing instead of trying to connect hockey to reading an irrelevant book. if you can't do this, then i suggest you continue to sweat shirtless by yourself every morning, but not at law school.

TheOcho
Posts: 394
Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 9:46 pm

Re: Anyone want to critique a PS?

Postby TheOcho » Wed Oct 20, 2010 8:26 am

Is the theme itself inherently bad? I'm considering re-writing (or at least editing out the erotica) it, but am unsure if it's worth it. Any help is appreciated.

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Shooter
Posts: 474
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 1:39 am

Re: Anyone want to critique a PS?

Postby Shooter » Wed Oct 20, 2010 8:32 am

I don't think the theme is bad. Mentioning how you are a star hockey player is a cool fact that I think adcoms will like. I would just find a more relevant way to tie it into law school, and I would definitely drop the erotica.

TheOcho
Posts: 394
Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 9:46 pm

Re: Anyone want to critique a PS?

Postby TheOcho » Wed Oct 20, 2010 8:39 am

Okay. I edited the erotica and am eliminating unnecessary descriptive words. I'm also trying to find better way to tie it into law school and my education. These applications are going out in the next 10 days (roughly), so I'm stressing a little bit. Further input is appreciated. I'll post the updated and edited portions as well.




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