Could someone help me work on this sentence?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Steppinchoi
Posts: 22
Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2008 4:09 am

Could someone help me work on this sentence?

Postby Steppinchoi » Tue Oct 19, 2010 4:59 pm

-Thanks guys!
Last edited by Steppinchoi on Tue Oct 19, 2010 5:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

HopefulFish
Posts: 200
Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 2:27 pm

Re: Could someone help me work on this sentence?

Postby HopefulFish » Tue Oct 19, 2010 5:08 pm

the semi colon does not belong there. use it when you have an independent clause to follow it.
Last edited by HopefulFish on Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

OmbreGracieuse
Posts: 254
Joined: Mon Apr 05, 2010 10:39 pm

Re: Could someone help me work on this sentence?

Postby OmbreGracieuse » Tue Oct 19, 2010 5:08 pm

I think you should move the word delicate, it seems out of place and instead say something like " I discovered a deep interest in delicate issues such as the struggle between..."

I am not sure what you mean by 'in the same poor countries' so I am guessing it ties in with the rest of your statement. This sentence alone though, I would take out 'the same' ('the testing of novel treatments in poor countries')

Since I am sure it ties in with the rest of your PS, I think it fits. All things aside, I think your sentence flows well (despite its length) and is easy to follow. Still, personally, I'd move 'delicate' over. It just reads easier to me that way, but that is just IMO.

Good luck!! :)

Steppinchoi
Posts: 22
Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2008 4:09 am

Re: Could someone help me work on this sentence?

Postby Steppinchoi » Tue Oct 19, 2010 5:22 pm

HopefulFish wrote:I would take out "deep" and just say an interest. Unless you want to say you are deeply interested, it sounds weird to have "discovered" a deep interest.

Also I'm not sure about "provisions of". Are you interested in producing medical break throughs or the provisions?

the semi colon does not belong there. use it when you have an independent clause to follow it.


I was using the semi-colon as a separator for a list. My only concern was that I only listed 2 reasons, so I don't know if this constitutes a "list". I feel like things would get really complicated if I replaced it with a comma instead; especially because the list items already contain commas




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