4th draft. Getting close?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
mrwarre85
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4th draft. Getting close?

Postby mrwarre85 » Tue Oct 19, 2010 3:46 pm

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Last edited by mrwarre85 on Wed Dec 15, 2010 12:30 pm, edited 2 times in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: 4th draft. Getting close?

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Oct 19, 2010 4:53 pm

Do you want the honest version or the sugar-coated review ?

I'll go with the sugar-coated critique: This essay should be better. It seems as if you are trying too hard to impress the reader that you see yourself as an open-minded intellectual.

CONSIDER: DELETING the first four sentences & the last three sentences.

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capitalacq
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Re: 4th draft. Getting close?

Postby capitalacq » Tue Oct 19, 2010 10:21 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Do you want the honest version or the sugar-coated review ?

I'll go with the sugar-coated critique: This essay should be better. It seems as if you are trying too hard to impress the reader that you see yourself as an open-minded intellectual.

CONSIDER: DELETING the first four sentences & the last three sentences.

I didn't make it to the last three, but I completely agree on deleting the first four. I'd also grab a grammar/style guide because there's random hyphenations and capital letters that shouldn't be there. http://www.amazon.com/St-Martins-Guide- ... 0312446241 I've never used this, but I remember my UG forced us to buy it. You should check it out to see what it is/what you could learn from it. Also, there's nothing wrong with having a certain ideology/being opinionated, but realize that it could turn people off, especially if not well-reasoned.

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ShuckingNotJiving
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Re: 4th draft. Getting close?

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Tue Oct 19, 2010 10:34 pm

no reason to quote the palm-pilot guy. His field has nothing to do with your interests. Moreover you quote him only to disagree with his sentiments. Why do that?


This lacks honesty and depth. Some parts read like a textbook. You use the word "complex" more than necessary. Your experiences are rich, but I read your essay and wonder if you had these experiences just to write a personal statement about them. You've dwindled everything to a formula, and what's left is like cardboard.

mrwarre85 wrote:I propose to the admission council that my future grade point average will be bolstered by the intellectual curiosity I possess


What? No.

mrwarre85
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Re: 4th draft. Getting close?

Postby mrwarre85 » Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:26 am

haha ARG! Ok I'll repost a different one in a sec I'm hoping it is worthy of one positive comment.

Thanks for your help guys.

mrwarre85
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Re: 4th draft. Getting close?

Postby mrwarre85 » Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:41 am

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Last edited by mrwarre85 on Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:47 am, edited 1 time in total.

mrwarre85
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Re: 4th draft. Getting close?

Postby mrwarre85 » Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:44 am

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Last edited by mrwarre85 on Wed Dec 15, 2010 12:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: 4th draft. Getting close?

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:47 am

Seems to be more of the same. It is clear that you like your theme & it is your personal statement, but this essay is more appropriate for a junior high school social studies assignment than it is for one applying to an intellectually demanding graduate school.

jarofsoup
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Re: 4th draft. Getting close?

Postby jarofsoup » Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:14 pm

Who cares about Jeff Hawkins? This is about you.

If you invoked this and talked about how you were a reporter for cnet or something it would be relevant.

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lalalawya
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Re: 4th draft. Getting close?

Postby lalalawya » Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:16 pm

I think that this is an interesting piece of writing, but there is not a single thing "personal" about it. The only thing I have learned about you from reading it is that you are a good writer and lived in Oklahoma.

mrwarre85
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Re: 4th draft. Getting close?

Postby mrwarre85 » Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:19 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Seems to be more of the same. It is clear that you like your theme & it is your personal statement, but this essay is more appropriate for a junior high school social studies assignment than it is for one applying to an intellectually demanding graduate school.


That can't be constructive. My LSAT is in the 90% and I'll do fine in Law School, there must be a way for me to improve this paper.

What about the essay without the intro? I'm assuming that is a large part of the problem. That, or the fact that I demonstrate very little, and focus on writing an essay about ideas. This is difficult to do, but like you said, it is my personal statement. I had hoped to write well though.

The essay will be read next to a resume with tons of easily explainable work experience. I didn't write about the coolest thing I've done because I wanted to stand out, but if I can't make this work I'll certainly cut my losses and re-draft about working for the UN or being SGA pres.

Maybe with enough help from friends and family on this complexity jr high thing I can avoid that... I"m not ready to give up not idea just yet.

mrwarre85
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Re: 4th draft. Getting close?

Postby mrwarre85 » Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:21 pm

jarofsoup wrote:Who cares about Jeff Hawkins? This is about you.

If you invoked this and talked about how you were a reporter for cnet or something it would be relevant.



Yeah I need to take that out and re-write the intro/conclusion. I may try to leave Mr. Hawkins in there for my essay to Cornell.

Thanks.

mrwarre85
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Re: 4th draft. Getting close?

Postby mrwarre85 » Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:34 pm

Ok working on a new draft that kills off Jeff... One sec..

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sayruss11
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Re: 4th draft. Getting close?

Postby sayruss11 » Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:18 pm

teen-ager??? never seen it written like this ever

mrwarre85
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Re: 4th draft. Getting close?

Postby mrwarre85 » Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:20 pm

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Last edited by mrwarre85 on Wed Dec 15, 2010 12:33 pm, edited 2 times in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: 4th draft. Getting close?

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:26 pm

Much better without the Jeff Hawkins worship. Not a particularly strong personal statement, but at least it isn't likely to harm your law school applications.

jarofsoup
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Re: 4th draft. Getting close?

Postby jarofsoup » Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:44 pm

It still needs some work. I would not submit it yet. Try to make it read better. Reduce the size of the sentences. The intro could be said in less words and more clarity.

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aesis
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Re: 4th draft. Getting close?

Postby aesis » Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:12 pm

according to its usage, the first letter after the colon should be lower-case. also after breaks " -- "
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/marks/colon.htm

what I got:
- your experiences around the world give you some unique perspective
- you're open minded and recognize the complexity of broad and relevant issues
- you write well and can assess a problem critically and thoughtfully

Biggest problem:
- you spend too much time outlining an issue and not enough on yourself

was there anything else you were trying to convey? you should hammer on those if so.
and avoid using "has" -- provided is better than has provided, and the pluperfect "had" is appropriate if it really needs to be used that way
Last edited by aesis on Thu Oct 21, 2010 3:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

jamiLAW
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Re: 4th draft. Getting close?

Postby jamiLAW » Wed Oct 20, 2010 8:10 pm

Some say that beginning your PS with a quote from somebody else is one of the worst mistakes you can make.

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JerrySeinfeld
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Re: 4th draft. Getting close?

Postby JerrySeinfeld » Wed Oct 20, 2010 10:10 pm

jamiLAW wrote:Some say that beginning your PS with a quote from somebody else is one of the worst mistakes you can make.


+1

One of the main problems I got from this is that it doesn't tell me enough about YOU. I hear a lot about Cairo, which may be important to you, but it isn't you. If I could give you any advice, it would make it seem more personal and revolve around you as a person.




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