Can someone look over this sentence?

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HopefulFish
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Can someone look over this sentence?

Postby HopefulFish » Tue Oct 19, 2010 2:29 pm

done
Last edited by HopefulFish on Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

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mr_toad
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Re: Can someone look over this sentence?

Postby mr_toad » Tue Oct 19, 2010 2:34 pm

My parents had worked... otherwise fine.

Edit: and at the end, "never had" -> "had never had".

Difficult stuff. In fact, I'm not completely sure of my corrections. Other ideas?

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DCDuck
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Re: Can someone look over this sentence?

Postby DCDuck » Tue Oct 19, 2010 2:45 pm

Since they were children, my parents needed to work to help support their families, so it was important to them that I be given the educational opportunities that they never had.

HopefulFish
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Re: Can someone look over this sentence?

Postby HopefulFish » Tue Oct 19, 2010 2:47 pm

i think that's good ^ except, i think the pronoun "they" lack an anteceedent, so i should switch it around with parents first, then the they.

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cofc2008
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Re: Can someone look over this sentence?

Postby cofc2008 » Tue Oct 19, 2010 2:48 pm

HopefulFish wrote:Just wanted to check for grammatical accuracy and if this sentence can be shortened somehow? Thank you for your help in advance.

My parents worked to help support their families since they were children, so it was important to them that I be given the educational opportunity that they never had.



I think it is grammatically correct, but you may want to break it into two sentences.

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mr_toad
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Re: Can someone look over this sentence?

Postby mr_toad » Tue Oct 19, 2010 2:51 pm

I'm not a fan of the complex-compound sentence being proposed here. It takes a relatively uncomplicated thought and complicates it, plus the fronting of the "since" clause assigns more important to it than I think the writer wishes. Of course, we're guessing here as to what the writer wishes the focus of the sentence to be. They were curious about the grammatical accuracy, not the sylistics.

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mr_toad
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Re: Can someone look over this sentence?

Postby mr_toad » Tue Oct 19, 2010 2:52 pm

I like the last idea. Break it up, then use therefore instead of "so" to connect... Therefore, it was important... (or: they thought it important that...: that way you have a more human agent than a "dummy" it)

HopefulFish
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Re: Can someone look over this sentence?

Postby HopefulFish » Tue Oct 19, 2010 3:00 pm

done
Last edited by HopefulFish on Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

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mr_toad
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Re: Can someone look over this sentence?

Postby mr_toad » Tue Oct 19, 2010 3:11 pm

My parents worked to help support their families since they were children. Therefore, they felt that it was important to give me the educational opportunities they never had.

->

My parents' dream had always been to give me the educational opportunities they had sacrificed to work and support their families.

Shorter. But perhaps not quite the same meaning nor the same focus. Just an idea. Not even sure I like it (my suggestion).

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Whatisthis
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Re: Can someone look over this sentence?

Postby Whatisthis » Tue Oct 19, 2010 3:23 pm

HopefulFish wrote:Just wanted to check for grammatical accuracy and if this sentence can be shortened somehow? Thank you for your help in advance.

My parents worked to help support their families since they were children, so it was important to them that I be given the educational opportunity that they never had.


Does your parents’ desire to help you succeed really stem from the fact that they worked as children or from their experience growing up and suffering from the consequences that a lack of education can bring?

The way your sentence is set up now, you imply the later but state the former.

I think the idea you’re trying to portray is more complicated than the sentence you wrote. I would break it up into two or more sentences.

jarofsoup
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Re: Can someone look over this sentence?

Postby jarofsoup » Tue Oct 19, 2010 3:47 pm

Maybe it is just because it is out of context but I hate how the word "families" is used in this sentence.

HopefulFish
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Re: Can someone look over this sentence?

Postby HopefulFish » Tue Oct 19, 2010 4:37 pm

done
Last edited by HopefulFish on Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

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mr_toad
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Re: Can someone look over this sentence?

Postby mr_toad » Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:44 pm

First of all, if you run with your newest iteration, you need to remove the "the" from educational opportunities because they're non-specific. Second, if they're still working, then "because they have worked..." and if they're not working anymore, then "because they had worked ....". Third, did they actually have specific hardships you or they trace to this lack of education, or is it more of a general feeling? I ask because I have family who are extremely successful who never finished college, to the point where they even discouraged their boys from studying. Kind of an example of the other side of the coin, I guess, but what I mean is, does your family see education as a general panacea or did they actively suffer hardships due to the lack of education, whatever that means (I assume you mean anything post-16 or post-18 years of age)?

HopefulFish
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Re: Can someone look over this sentence?

Postby HopefulFish » Tue Oct 19, 2010 8:15 pm

Thanks for the great comment.

Basically, I don't think I have to add this explanation on my PS at all. It's just that it may give a better context to why going to college was a big deal for me. I wanted to add it to give the reader a fuller picture of my background.
Last edited by HopefulFish on Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

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capitalacq
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Re: Can someone look over this sentence?

Postby capitalacq » Tue Oct 19, 2010 10:08 pm

HopefulFish wrote:Thanks for the great comment.

How does this sound:

My parents never had educational opportunities, because they have worked since they were children to help support their families. Therefore, it was important to them that I be the first in the family to attend college. I was grateful for their intentions but going to college was a long shot.........


Basically, I don't think I have to add this explanation on my PS at all. It's just that it may give a better context to why going to college was a big deal for me. I wanted to add it to give the reader a fuller picture of my background.


My parents educational opportunities were displaced by their need to work to support their families. It was important to them that I be the first in the family to attend college. I was grateful for their intentions, but going to college was a long shot...

note: I don't know where you're going with the underlined fragment, but I don't think it sounds great




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