Would someone please critique my ps pls? Thank you. Forum

[newbie123]

Thank you

[CGI Fridays]

Cut, down, the sentences. Lost me quick.

[newbie123]

Cut, down, the sentences. Lost me quick.

Thank you. I will go back and try again.

[CGI Fridays]

I am sitting in a small cubicle at my place of employment and thinking about the work on my desk and how it is not enough time in a day for all the work that I need to work on. I am watching other people in this small office working and complaining about the company in which they have been employed for several years and mentioning how things could be better. I am thinking to myself instead of complaining why do they not go to the owner or the Vice President of this Accounts Receivable/Medical Billing Company as I did to bring their attention to to some developments that I came across. I discussed how I think it would be easier if we assisted the medical office personnel on how they should enter certain information and what information needed to be entered in order for the physician's claims to get processed in a more timely fashion.

Use punctuation.
This reads in a robot monotone.

[CGI Fridays]

Is English is your second language?
I tried reading through more of this & I'll be honest: It's absolutely terrible. You don't have command of the English language. I think you should consider waiting on law school for a year and working on your English writing. If you don't, and get enough help to send off passable writing samples, odds are you'll be in the bottom 5% of your class.

I'm not trying to be mean, but you should realize that this is not even written at a 6th grade level. I'm being totally serious.

[rinkrat19]

It sort of has a decent subject, but the writing needs a 250% overhaul.

I am sitting in a small cubicle at my place of employment and thinking about the work on my desk and how it is not enough time in a day for all the work that I need to work on. I am watching other people in this small office working and complaining about the company in which they have been employed for several years and mentioning how things could be better. I am thinking to myself instead of complaining why do they not go to the owner or the Vice President of this Accounts Receivable/Medical Billing Company as I did to bring their attention to to some developments that I came across.

Just looking at the first three sentences:
-- The first sentence ("I am busy at work.") has nothing to do with the rest of the paragraph ("I don't understand why my co-workers whine instead of trying to fix things.")
-- You use the word 'work' three times in the first sentence, and it could've been four, except you broke out the ol' thesaurus and replaced one with 'employment.' So awkward.
-- I am, I am, I am, I am, I am. No variation in sentence structure. If you're doing it on purpose to build a mood in a semi-poetic way, it's risky and you frankly don't have the writing chops for it. If you're not doing it on purpose...well, just stop it, either way.
-- If you're thinking something to yourself, it needs to either read as dialog, or (preferably) not. Not this unpunctuated stream-of-consciousness.

I'd suggest waiting a cycle before applying to LS and taking a heavy dose of writing classes in the interim. Fiction writing, technical writing, writing for business, writing for advertising, copy editing, whatever. I took all of those (everything except technical writing was an elective, totally unrelated to my major) and they were all valuable in different ways.

If English isn't your first language, then mad props to your current level of fluency. I have total respect for anyone who can operate at all in more than one language, since my linguistic skills are limited to counting and swearing in German and ordering alcoholic drinks in Spanish. But you still don't have the command you'll need in law school, let alone as a lawyer.
(If English is your first language, then...yikes.)

[lalalawya]

[quote="newbie123"]I am sitting in a small cubicle at my place of employment and thinking about the work on my desk and how there is not enough time in the day for all the work that I need to work on.This sentence just drags on way too long and sounds confusing. Read it outloud, you will see what I mean. I am watching other people in this small office working and complaining about the company in which they have been employed for several years and mentioning how things could be better.Again, this sentence drags on I am thinking to myself instead of complaining why do they not go to the owner or the Vice President of this Accounts Receivable/Medical Billing Company as I did to bring their attention to to some developments that I came across. This whole paragraph needs to be cut out actually. It makes you seem like a complainer and really adds nothing to your PSI discussed how I think it would be easier if we assisted the medical office personnel on how they should enter certain information and what information needed to be entered in order for the physician's claims to get processed in a more timely fashion. You need to start with this story and find a better introduction for it. Perhaps discuss what led you to feel the company needed adjustments.I suggested this to this company since I have had the experience from working at several health care insurance companies and knew what their process was and could tell them what would make this operation run smoother in this aspect. My suggestion was heard and now has been put into place and as gone very well. I believe with me having the expeience from working for several insurance companies and paying attention to the process as to how to make the claims process a little more efficient, this was almost a guarantee to the owner of the company if he wanted this dollars to make sense. I was a little skeptical of making the suggestion but each day when entering the building and knowing what I am in store for made this easy for me. I also knew I had to make some type of impact in order for my process and job to get accomplished daily. Although I have only been employed with the company less than a year, I knew I could make several suggestions with the type of background I had in order for him to get his company back up and running like he stated it had been. Since employed here, I have helped his company bring in over $600, 000 in revenue from very old claims that could not be previously done. This paragraph does A LOT of showing not telling. It is hard to follow and comes off somewhat boring.
As I am rolling (????)back my life and knowing that this job is not for me, I am thinking of how I need to be doing what I believe I should be doing which is practing law. I have worked in the corporate field for a while and every job that I have had, I was able to assist with strenthen some processes as well as assisting with streamlining some policies and procedures to conribute to the company's growth. I am also glad that I have had the power of persuasiveness and also the people I have propositioned were receptive to my suggestions. I know that this was a very good thing since all the company's that I made suggestions to saw a tremendous difference in their bottom line. I am know ing that I do not want to do this forever and that I am unhappy and I am not feeling satisfied with the accomplishments that I have gained thus far.
Now I am asking myself what I can do that I can feel fulfilled? This needs to be re-structuredSo now I decided that I wanted to assist with what I see is a problem in society. I want to help with teaching, training and organizing some job skills to low income persons. I decided to establish a non-profit organization that would allow me to assist with job skills training. I also wanted to assist people with obtaining their GED and also to help and mentor children who have parents in jail to offer some type or source of encouragement and to let them know that people still care. I think of how many people lives I could touch or impact if was actually doing what I truly believe God created me to do. I would be in a place where I could really be influential. I truly believe that I am on the right path for two reasons. As I am sitting in the attorney's office and I am providing him information on the type of non-profit organization that I would like to establish and I am being asked my background and what is it that I have always wanted to do career wise and I communicate to him, an attorney.This is a very confusing sentence. When the statement was made and so eloquently stated, do you know what are you waiting on and do you realize how many people you could really help if you were walking in what God wants you to do. I realized at that moment that this has always been a part of me and very close to my heart but this was only yet another confirmation for me.
There have been several professors that I have taught me and stated to me they thought I would be good at this. I believe the best example I can share is a well known attorney that works for Sirote & Permutt indicated to me that I should go back to school because and mentioned that I have missed my calling with documents that I prepared for someone.
I have always cared for people and wanted to assist people and I would like nothing more than to do what has always been my dream and provide for my mother whom has provided and has given me the opportunity that she never had.[/quote]

Overall, this needs work. I like the story you are sharing, but the way you are presenting it is very confusing. You have a ton of grammatical errors along with numerous syntax errors. I would suggest going to your writing tutorial services on campus and asking for help. Also, concentrate more on your transistions, they are almost non-existant.

[newbie123]

No