Diversity Statement Critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
volcom_sig
Posts: 15
Joined: Wed Jun 16, 2010 10:49 am

Diversity Statement Critique

Postby volcom_sig » Mon Oct 18, 2010 11:16 pm

First draft...I'll admit I have some issues with punctuation (commas don't seem fitting so I've used a lot of hyphens/dashes...input on this would be great) and some parts seem a bit choppy, but I'm doing my best to try to keep this to a page (although it's currently a bit over).

I appreciate all of the harsh (constructive) TLS input so thanks in advance guys!
Last edited by volcom_sig on Mon Oct 25, 2010 11:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

Steppinchoi
Posts: 22
Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2008 4:09 am

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby Steppinchoi » Mon Oct 18, 2010 11:43 pm

I think this is excellent!

jjlaw
Posts: 299
Joined: Thu Dec 31, 2009 1:43 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby jjlaw » Mon Oct 18, 2010 11:48 pm

Great statement. I liked the flow of the writing, how it moved from your cultural identity to the realization of your sexual orientation, especially how you believed the latter completed your "patchwork identity." Really well-written, mature, down-to-earth, and honest.

If anything, I would rework this sentence. It is a bit long and poorly worded, especially what is inside the parentheses.

Adopted by an American family a few months before my third birthday, my memories of life in the orphanage have long been forgotten, save for a pair of mementos in the form of two inch-long vertical scars that run across my face (punishment from my caretakers for being “unruly”) that act as visible reminders of where I come from and the gift of opportunity I was given at a young age.


Otherwise, great job! If you get the chance, I'd really appreciate if you could take a look at my DS: http://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=18&t=133590. I'd really appreciate any insight you could provide.

Aqualibrium
Posts: 2011
Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2009 5:57 am

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby Aqualibrium » Mon Oct 18, 2010 11:58 pm

I think this is fantastic. The flow is great, and the closing sentece really ties it together well.
I didn't pay attention to fixing the punctuation; there are definitely some issues there. I really love this story though.

volcom_sig
Posts: 15
Joined: Wed Jun 16, 2010 10:49 am

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby volcom_sig » Tue Oct 19, 2010 12:04 am

Thanks guys! I could really use some input on my punctuation though. I'm really lost on the best way to use it without messing with the flow.

@jjlaw, I'm going to read your DS now.

volcom_sig
Posts: 15
Joined: Wed Jun 16, 2010 10:49 am

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby volcom_sig » Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:26 pm

bump.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:54 pm

I don't think that any changes are needed. This is an outstanding personal statement in many respects including that it truly supplements your law school applications showing who you are rather than what you have accomplished.

JJDancer
Posts: 1564
Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2009 7:41 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby JJDancer » Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:04 pm

Ending is quite strong. I was expecting this to be a cultural DS and was a little blindsided by the gay thing, maybe it's just me but I think somehow hinting at something more in the beginning would be better. Also the first paragraph has a lot of passive voice that can be re-phrased. Great job overall with details/specific imagery.

volcom_sig
Posts: 15
Joined: Wed Jun 16, 2010 10:49 am

Re: Diversity Statement Critique

Postby volcom_sig » Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:57 pm

Thanks guys, I really appreciate the feedback. Still hoping for some technical/punctuation suggestions if anyone feels like they have a good grasp on that.

@JJDancer: I'm talking a lot about my LGBT activism in my personal statement so I figured they'd read this after so it's not as much of a surprise in that context although it brings up the question of whether or not this will have the same impact if I've already addressed the gay thing in my PS...

Still working on the PS so we'll see how they play together.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.