critique my rough draft ps

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
PearlGood
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 2:20 pm

critique my rough draft ps

Postby PearlGood » Mon Oct 18, 2010 2:21 pm

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Last edited by PearlGood on Tue Oct 19, 2010 1:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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crysmissmichelle
Posts: 399
Joined: Thu Oct 08, 2009 8:39 am

Re: critique my rough draft ps

Postby crysmissmichelle » Mon Oct 18, 2010 2:52 pm

It just feels forced. The opening paragraph is irrelevant and you never go back to it. The PS could make the same point without it. The Wikipedia quote could be condensed, not all of it is pertinent.

Honestly, it lost me from the very beginning. I'm sorry.

Also, the PS is really supposed to tell something about you. . .this tells about your goal but doesn't tell me anything about you.

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orangebluewhitered
Posts: 43
Joined: Tue May 20, 2008 7:29 pm

Re: critique my rough draft ps

Postby orangebluewhitered » Mon Oct 18, 2010 2:54 pm

Yeah dude. Cut all of the irrelevant details- they confuse and bore the reader.

mst
Posts: 925
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2010 3:01 am

Re: critique my rough draft ps

Postby mst » Mon Oct 18, 2010 2:56 pm

Super awkward transition between the 2nd and 3rd paragraph. And by super awkward I mean non-existent.

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mr_toad
Posts: 669
Joined: Wed Jan 27, 2010 9:08 am

Re: critique my rough draft ps

Postby mr_toad » Mon Oct 18, 2010 2:56 pm

I learn a lot about community planning. Are you sure you don't want to go into city planning? Great profession, have a friend doing that for a firm in Portland, OR, and she loves it.

No, seriously, telling a story is great if we learn about YOU from it, but I don't feel like I learned much until you spelled it out explicitly at the end. Agree with first poster, feels forced. If you could expand a part of the anecdote into a gripping first-person narrative, then maybe. Don't tell me you're a leader, show me how you led.

It sounds like you're doing really interesting work. But show clearly that this makes you a really interesting person.

PearlGood
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 2:20 pm

Re: critique my rough draft ps

Postby PearlGood » Tue Oct 19, 2010 1:29 pm

All valid points, i had been struggling trying to somehow weave the two elements together. I feel like if I focus more on myself and my experience that it just becomes a narrative of a job I had... I feel that going straight from college to being in charge of a group of people twice my age in a brand new place was a tough challenge and I excelled at it but I cant think of how to convey it without it becoming boring and cliche. Some schools say write about whatever basically, but others ask for more concrete why you want to study law etc etc which makes it hard to combine the two.




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