1st draft of PS: Success in overcoming near-fatal injuries

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
User avatar
overyourhead
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Oct 15, 2010 12:19 am

1st draft of PS: Success in overcoming near-fatal injuries

Postby overyourhead » Mon Oct 18, 2010 10:41 am

Thank you. :)
Last edited by overyourhead on Sat Nov 13, 2010 2:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
gdane
Posts: 12418
Joined: Sat Sep 26, 2009 2:41 pm

Re: 1st draft of PS: Success in overcoming near-fatal injuries

Postby gdane » Mon Oct 18, 2010 12:15 pm

Too many "I", "I", "I's". It reads like a monotonous piece of prose. Dont start with "because". This is just a no-no. Wheres the heart? The emotion? The passion? Put some razzle dazzle in there so you can better captivate your readers.

Also, a 3.65 and an LSAT above 160 will definitely get you into UMiami. Dont worry so much about the personal statement. Make it coherent and all that, but dont kill yourself.

Good luck!

SupraVln180
Posts: 883
Joined: Mon Apr 19, 2010 10:50 pm

Re: 1st draft of PS: Success in overcoming near-fatal injuries

Postby SupraVln180 » Mon Oct 18, 2010 4:24 pm

don't use contractions.

trudat15
Posts: 900
Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2010 11:57 pm

Re: 1st draft of PS: Success in overcoming near-fatal injuries

Postby trudat15 » Mon Oct 18, 2010 4:32 pm

SupraVln180 wrote:don't use contractions.


Though I tend to agree, Anna Ivey says it's fine, for what that's worth.

User avatar
overyourhead
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Oct 15, 2010 12:19 am

Re: 1st draft of PS: Success in overcoming near-fatal injuries

Postby overyourhead » Mon Oct 18, 2010 7:59 pm

Thanks, guys.

Yeah, I wasn't sure about the contractions. Afterward I started to remove them, but then decided I would research the issue first. In some cases it made my writing seem stuffy. I will remove them just to be safe.

Is it really that blah though? I was never expecting it to be amazing. I'm only applying to mediocre schools: Miami, UF, and Nova (which I'd only attend if they gave me a 100% scholarship). Miami is certainly my top choice, however. Can you envision adcoms reading it and thinking I will be a successful law school student?

I'd hate to change topics because the accident really was the catalyst for change in me. I remember thinking in bed one night how lucky I was and that I might not have a second chance at life, so I had better stop stalling and start doing the things I wanted to do-- in this case, return to school, pursue law, etc.

User avatar
Shooter
Posts: 474
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 1:39 am

Re: 1st draft of PS: Success in overcoming near-fatal injuries

Postby Shooter » Mon Oct 18, 2010 8:19 pm

It's not "blagh" per se, but I really think it could be more concise. If you are going to elaborate, elaborate on the accident/healing process - not on your early college experiences.

I like your conversational style (using contractions, adding hyphens, starting paragraphs with "because," etc.) but I don't think the adcoms will appreciate it.

Personally, "I remember the moment I regained consciousness..." would be an AWESOME opener.

Overall, your story is really amazing. After reading it, I can't imagine anyone seriously doubting your ability to compete in law school.

User avatar
Shooter
Posts: 474
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 1:39 am

Re: 1st draft of PS: Success in overcoming near-fatal injuries

Postby Shooter » Mon Oct 18, 2010 8:39 pm

And by "concise" I don't mean cutting out any details - just combining sentences.

For example:

"I remember the moment I regained consciousness. Surrounded by a swarm of surgeons, I tried to make sense of my surroundings. When a doctor informed that I had been in an accident - that my car had flipped several times before violently crashing into a canal - I could hardly believe it. That is, until I felt the searing pain."

See what I did there? It's not perfect by any means, but I made it a little easier to digest. I also added some alliteration, because I was bored.

User avatar
rinkrat19
Posts: 13918
Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: 1st draft of PS: Success in overcoming near-fatal injuries

Postby rinkrat19 » Tue Oct 19, 2010 12:52 am

I think there's too much about your accelerated education. It could be summed up in a sentence or two, after using your story about the accident (or waking up afterward, as someone suggested) as a hook.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.